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...even me, but I'm sure that most of you have seen it in my writing before.  Anyway, the point of this is that I've disappointed myself.  I'm not the worst person in the world, but I've totally dropped the ball on a number of friendships and such... and while apologies probably mean little to many of you, it's a start.  This post was triggered by one of my friends dropping me from his MySpace friends list in the last day or so.  I noticed immediately, as he was on my Top 8... and after writing him a message to ask why, I started to realize it for myself.  I'm a shitty friend, to a lot of people.  If I can't just call or text message you every once in a while to check in, I often don't make any further efforts beyond that... and for many more of you, I don't even get that far.  I'm okay at responding and replying, stuff like that... but I'm horrible at being proactive.  I'm even like this to my family... and it isn't that I don't care, it's that my mind is everywhere but where it should be.  I've spread myself too thin... and while I'm not just now recognizing that, I am now finally trying to do something about it.

These are just words... don't treat them as anything more.  If we haven't talked in a while, maybe it's my fault... maybe it's yours.  Maybe it's both of ours... but regardless, I'm going to try to hold myself accountable for the friendships I should care more about.  Oh, and while I'm at it... I'd like to be honest with all of you about what kind of person I really am right now, and let you re-evaluate your opinion of me.  I try to be a good person... and while many of you might generally find me to be one, many of you are also likely not to.  Pick your reason... I'm arrogant, an attention whore, and even known to some as untrustworthy because of how I flirt.  Some of you know all about me, and see me as I really am... and have accepted my flaws, yet still remain my friend.  That means the most to me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Unfortunately, some of you have simply judged me... and while that may not make me happy, you do have the right to choose your friends.  I just hope that you'll stop pretending, and drop me from your friends lists if you don't really like me.

Now's your chance.  I won't give you shit about it if you do... I'll just wish you well, and that will be that.  I don't think of you as just another name on a list, I promise you that... but if that's the way I treat you, then parting ways with me just might be the best for both of us.

I don't even know why I'm writing this any more.  I feel like I'm just venting about nothing because I currently feel a bit depressed.  My life isn't shit, either... I love my job and the company takes care of me, I've seen quite a bit of my closest friends lately, my family is healthy and safe (as am I), I like my living situation, and I feel loved.  It's as someone said about me once, though... I just can't stand being rejected, though it's actually only under specific circumstances that it really upsets me like this.  If I've treated someone well, I expect the same in return... but life isn't like that.  It fucking never is, for anyone... you don't give what you get, nor get what you give.  Accepting that is a sudden step in maturing.  The people you want to be with won't always want to be with you, and it doesn't matter what you do for them... you can't change that.  It only hurts to try... and it only hurts them more to give them the impression that their good deeds are moving them closer.  That's why we all struggle so... for approval we may never receive, for unavoidable heartache that we convince ourselves isn't coming.

I'm not really sure what else to write... but as I haven't really let many people know exactly what's going on with me, here's a recap of the past six months or something.  I'm living and working in Santa Clara, and I visit San Francisco quite frequently... despite that I still don't have a car, and public transit down here (VTA, Caltrain) sucks horribly compared to any other public transit I've ever used.  On the bright side, I'll be able to afford a car in no time thanks to this new job.  The new apartment is nice, and I'm planning to have a party down there at some point once the place is the way I want it.  I'll also be planning and funding another weekend LiveJournal party, though I've ultimately decided to keep them small and friendly (around 25 people, Metreon or Golden Gate Park... same as always) until I can afford to quite literally get a San Francisco permit and make it a national event.  It'll probably be a year before I can do this, but I do intend to throw a national LiveJournal party one day to celebrate the LiveJournal purchase by SixApart which caused them to move to San Francisco.

In other news, I still occasionally play Dance Dance Revolution and In the Groove.  I can pass some 11 difficulty songs now on Single mode (Charlene and Utopia on Expert), and I expect to pass Xuxa next.  I hear Robotix Expert is easy, too... so I'll also have to try that one.  Besides that, you should see me at Fanime this year (I live so near by that I have no excuse to miss it), though I'm not sure that I'm going to remain on staff due to work.  I may not be able to get enough time off to staff again, but I'll definitely at least go as an attendee.  I'll be requesting time off for Anime Expo as well, though that's a way off still.  Speaking of staffing anime conventions, I very recently resigned as the Deputy Chief Director of JTAF4 and Con Ops at Jrock Connection.  I will not be staffing any conventions in the future, except under very special circumstances... and it's simply because I no longer have the time.  I will miss having the chance to contribute, though I will try to find other ways to do so... perhaps as a sponsor, Web host, or something else.

There's other stuff going on in my life right now, including some drama that I'd much rather avoid amongst some people that I used to spend a fair amount of time with.  While there are obvious disagreements between us, I just want to take this time to apologize for my own varying and inconsistent shortcomings.  I'm patient at times, short at others.  Also... I suspect that I sometimes come across as ready to commit to a relationship, but I'm most certainly not ready.  This is also my own fault, and an apology is again only the first step towards making such things right.  As part of my atonement for this, I'm making an effort to be very clear with people... and instead of allowing some people to be led on, I'm cutting off intimate physical contact with anyone I'm not planning to be with in the future.  There will be no more broken hearts placed on my shoulders, whether it's someone else's fault or not.  I'm sick of that bullshit, and I will do whatever it takes to cut that fucked up drama completely out of my life.  Don't blame me if you see me as who you want me to be, or if you ignore my words.  I'm not leading anyone on in any way any more.

I will fix my life with your help, or without it.  I know it's not perfect, and I don't care to hear the words of anyone who hasn't listened (or heard) my words when I've spoken them first.  That's all for now... expect more phone posts from me in the future, to make up for the general lack of time I have to post with words.

- Chris (cK1)

Edit: I totally forgot to mention something important.  I believe that one of my friends who lives in San Francisco is still looking for work... but she needs something where she'd get paid "under the table" because she has a student visa, and legally isn't allowed to work or something.  If you know of any such jobs for a hard-working individual living in San Francisco, please let me know... I'll put you two in touch.

Comments

( 73 comments — Leave a comment )
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kaylea
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:31 pm (UTC)
hey you! I'm still here for you! *hugs* I have moved yet again. Er. I have a new phone number too. email me at ddrangel@gmail.com and i'll send you the updated number. :) Things will get better for ya! I know it. :)
tidus
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:45 pm (UTC)
You and I sure move around a lot... XD
You could always just text message your number to my cell.  It's (415) 302-8869 if you don't still have it handy.
ganymedefox
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:38 pm (UTC)
Long time, no post *^_^*. Well not that i'm top of your list or anything lol, but i don't get the net that much anymore, so i'm less likely to email anyone... i haven't emailed you in a while, but then, you haven't emailed me either..

but i do when i can check to see if you've written a lj entry and i am still interested in being your friend, so i guess its up to you to decide if you still want me around ^__^
tidus
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:44 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it has been a while...
Of course I still want to be friends with you, Liz... and everything between us is totally cool.  I just don't want people who don't feel that I'm a good friend to feel obligated to "play along", as if things are okay.  I want them to speak up to me about it... and if they feel the need, to remove me as a friend on LiveJournal as well.  I'm glad to hear from you.  *hugs you*

- Chris
dynastessa
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:46 pm (UTC)
Good to see you posting, even though it's like...twice in a year. Hmm...we don't really talk anymore, so I'm kind of unsure what to say since I don't know the full story of things, but from reading this, it's good to hear that you have a good job and apartment and all that, despite the current melancholy you felt writing this post.

Yeah. I really suck at this so forgive me for sounding really...distant or something. Hopefully we can keep in touch somehow. It's been forever since I last talked to you. Take care! :)
tidus
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:48 pm (UTC)
You're one of the people I owe an apology to, Jen...
Shanny still talks about you every time she calls me from China.  Thanks for continuing to think of me... and know that I miss being closely in touch with you, though I'm apparently really shitty at making that fact known.  I'm glad that you still care about an old friend.  *hugs you*  I do still hope to meet you one day.

- Chris
lady_kitsune
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:50 pm (UTC)
you are kinda like me (personality wise). I miss talking to ya and will never drop u as a friend. I would give u a call...but a 2 month daughter and not having ur number is the miain reason.

call me sometime (or I will see u at fanime)
(707)585-3329

ask for Randi and no calls after 9pm (parents will hang up on ya)
tidus
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC)
(415) 302-8869 is my cell number, still... so you have it again now.  I added your new number to my cell's phone book, and I'll try and give you a call later this week.  Thanks for thinking of me... and congratulations on your new baby girl.  I look forward to seeing you at Fanime, if not sooner.  ^^

- Chris
celtic4
Mar. 26th, 2006 05:27 pm (UTC)
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, dear! It's so easy to keep up friendships when one is younger and basically stuck with the same people all day, but when one gets older, life gets in the way a lot. If I were a proper friend, I wouldn't have time to do anything else in life, like work or hobbies. And your friends know and realize this, since they're going through the same life process as well.

So please, don't feel bad about yourself or sell yourself short. We all have our flaws, but we have our good points too, and yours are more wonderful than most, so...don't worry. Your true friends will stick with you no matter what, and the ones that fall by the wayside probably aren't worth it, in the end.

*hugs* It's great to see you posting again, I've missed you!
tidus
Mar. 26th, 2006 05:51 pm (UTC)
*sighs happily*
*hugs you back*  You're always so thoughtful, Mara.  :D  Thanks for cheering me up... that really was just what I needed to read.  It's nice to hear from someone who can related to being spread thin, and such.  I'd still love to hang out with you (and eventually meet your cats!!!) one day... we have so much in common, from owning a Treo to the gaming stuff.  No pressure though, of course... I know you're a busy lady.  Have a wonderful week, and know that it always makes me so very happy to hear from you.  ^___^  By the way, I'm very happy that your cat was returned to you~!

- Chris
Re: *sighs happily* - celtic4 - Mar. 27th, 2006 07:21 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: *sighs happily* - tidus - Mar. 27th, 2006 02:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
sweetmegumi
Mar. 26th, 2006 05:55 pm (UTC)
Just dropping a hi!
Just wanted to say hi!
Remember there are different level of friends and how often one stays in contact with them and how one stays in contact with them.

I have people who I see every once in awhile but keep in touch through LJ and there are some who I see every week or so and keep in touch through phone.

It doesn't not mean that you're no less of a friend.

Drop me a hello some time since I now live in Marin (no to sure where you are at now).

I changed my cell number so drop me an email or I can give you a call.

*hugs*

Meg
tidus
Mar. 26th, 2006 06:00 pm (UTC)
Re: Just dropping a hi!
Wow, Noah and I were just talking about you on Friday night.  It's good to hear from you... and I must admit that I'm surprised to hear that you're in Marin now~!  Santa Clara is about an hour's drive south of San Francisco, so I'm unfortunately nowhere near you now.  I'm much closer to San Ramon, but of course that doesn't do us any good now... does it?  XD  I do head up to San Francisco from time to time, so perhaps I'll catch you at some point.  If you'd like to talk, feel free to text message my cell so that I'll have your new number.  It would be nice to catch up with you on stuff.  ^^

- Chris
(Deleted comment)
tidus
Mar. 27th, 2006 03:02 pm (UTC)
*loves back*
I'm glad to hear that... and I hope that we'll always be friends, despite that we occasionally butt heads and such.  *grin*  I think that might be part of the reason why our friendship is so interesting, though... and even though I've said it before, I want to remind you that I'll always be here for you if you need me.  I look forward to visiting you along with BART Boy in the near future.  ^^

- Chris
(Deleted comment)
Re: *loves back* - tidus - Mar. 28th, 2006 12:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
dante_cosplayer
Mar. 26th, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC)
Wow Sorry forthat dint know :p well that was added back before I read this but i still read LJ post :D more XD, yes onesty is the way to go :D.

Hope to have a drink with you in a con comeing up :D.
tidus
Mar. 27th, 2006 03:06 pm (UTC)
Hells yeah... ^^
I'm always happy to have a drink with you, my friend... especially if you don't get sick.  ;)  Thanks for being so cool about everything, especially understanding how I felt as a result of what happened.  I apologize, again.  ^^  Yay for everything being out in the open~!  I'll do my best to let go of any angst for now... and be a better friend to you, while I'm at it.  :D

- Chris
soygirl
Mar. 26th, 2006 06:45 pm (UTC)
I feel much the same way as that first paragraph.

...but, I haven't been in Marin (and apparently neither have you!), since I live down in Santa Cruz now (for school). I will be at Fanime, though, so see you then. :)
tidus
Mar. 27th, 2006 03:08 pm (UTC)
Ah, cool...
...I'm planning to be in Santa Cruz in the near future, like on a Friday or something.  I'll try and give you a call when I arrive, and perhaps we can meet up and grab a bite to eat or something if you're not too busy.  I look forward to seeing you at Fanime as well.  ^^

I still miss Starbase and the giant gatherings there... but I miss it even more now that I've moved away, and basically never get there any more.

- Chris
Re: Ah, cool... - soygirl - Mar. 27th, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
wordless_whisp
Mar. 26th, 2006 06:45 pm (UTC)
I don't know you, per se, but you sound like a beautiful person through and through. To feel so much regret and concern for your actions, reconsidering them and your behavior- that's truly impressive. Most aren't nearly half as willing to do this as you are.

I do hope things go well for you.


-----

http://Discarded.deviantart.com
tidus
Mar. 27th, 2006 03:13 pm (UTC)
*smiles really big*
What you wrote was really kind, and I appreciated it greatly.  I'd love to be your friend, and have added you to my LiveJournal friends list and DeviantArt watch list.  I'll try and say hi from time to time, too.  Thanks for the well wishes, and I hope the same holds true for your life.  May you share in the happiness you create.  :)

- Chris
tidfu
Mar. 26th, 2006 07:41 pm (UTC)
Hmmm. I was wondering where you were! I know that I'm one of the people on your friends list you don't talk with so often, but... I can relate to you with spreading yourself thin when it comes to friendships. I think I'm generally just not that social, so in my case, I don't really have an exucse. ^^; But you, you're nice. At least from what I can see. And you have... a lot of friends. o.o I don't think talking to some of them more than others makes you a shitty friend. XD But it's good that you realize it's not your fault that you're not close-close with everybody.

._. I don't like to be rejected either. But as for people getting what they give... I still believe in that, only because I think that even if we give and reach out to people who don't want to return our feelings, our efforts are returned in some form eventually. Maybe just from somebody else. Or... I guess what I mean is that even if we get rejected, there are still people who care about us. Somehow remembering that makes me feel better.

Anyway, I'm glad that you updated! I was thinking about you the other day when I was going through my friends list. And I remembered the time I did a friends cut, and how you were one of the people I removed at the time and then you left me a really nice and unexpected comment. ^^' It's okay if you don't remember. Anyway, I'm not removing you. I like you. And I hope that life gets better for you soon.
tidus
Mar. 27th, 2006 03:20 pm (UTC)
*grin*
I remember, Tifferz.  *hugs you*  Thanks for thinking that I'm nice.  :)  Coming from you, that holds significant weight in my eyes.  I see your point about what we get from giving, and you're right... it's just really tricky when you break it down to a level that simply involves people who love eachother.  That's when it hurts the most, as it's so rare that two people will share in equal concern for eachother.  The way I see it, a relationship is only perfect when two people give equally.

It's really good to hear from you.  Just seeing your user name makes me smile some times, because of the way that I equate it with you.

- Chris
jeffreyatw
Mar. 26th, 2006 07:49 pm (UTC)
Oh hello! I think you're being too hard on yourself but I understand what you feel.

I am also going to Fanime, I'll be hangin' with Sophie, but I'm also wandering around the Bay Area aimlessly this week. I don't know, maybe next weekend we could hang or something!

Oh and I'm looking for work too, so hook me up! Pronto! :P
tidus
Mar. 27th, 2006 03:36 pm (UTC)
It's just good to know that people can relate...
I can't believe that we haven't already hung out by now.  XD  It would be great to see you again, though it might be a challenge to make it up there during some of my free time due to my carlessness... well, and how freakin' busy I am all the time as well.  On the bright side, I know that I'll be in San Francisco on Friday to join some people for lunch and DDR afterwards... and I'll be at a Fanime message board gathering the next day at noon, which I believe kicks off at San Jose State University's Japanese Tea Gardens.  Perhaps you could join us...?  *puppy dog eyes*

As for work, have you learned FreeBSD and Linux?  If you're good with Apache and other Web server software, I could ask around fo sho.  ^^  I like the user picture that you used for this comment, by the way... and I'm wearing a beanie myself right now, so we look kind'a similar.  *grin*

- Chris
lipstickcat
Mar. 26th, 2006 07:51 pm (UTC)
You know, sometimes its hard to run a full life and keep in contact with everyone in it. Of course, I'd like to hear from you more often, but we're not close and I know you have other things in your world, so I can understand that. Everybody's lives go on and if people can't understand that, that's their problem not yours. I certainly have no intention of unfriending you just because you're trying to make it in life and are not glued to the internet.

As for the flirting, I wouldn't accuse you of being untrustworthy for it. A little ego boosting attention does no-one no harm ^_~

.... A national LJ party? I'd be up for that, any excuse to get back to San Fran again....

-Kerry
x
not_on_weekends
Mar. 26th, 2006 08:13 pm (UTC)
My short attention span means I only got through some of your entry, but I think I got the idea. I feel the same way about friendships but realised a lot of the ones I dropped were just the ones I couldn't stand. That's not to say I can't stand you Chris, you're adorable. It's just too difficult for us to keep in touch because I hate talking on the phone and you're barely around or if you are you have other plans.

I'd like to think that some time again we'll pick up our friendship but for now it's kind of impractical. Some day we'll hang out all the time and go drinking and play video games, preferably before I move. :/
anjelchan
Mar. 26th, 2006 08:22 pm (UTC)
Really the only contact we have is through LJ and no, you don't particularly update often - but that certainly doesn't mean that I'm not interested in what's going on in your life when you do post. Every now and again I go directly to your journal to see if I actually missed an entry. I've started getting complaints that I am being distant and anti-social, but work eats time and real life has to be dealt with, so it's perfectly understandable if you don't always have the time to check in with your infinity^1 friends or update regularly. You at least give a summary of your time (long posts.. very long posts). Beh. You need "you" time as well. Maybe I'll see you at Fanime, maybe we'll even talk - but I'm not dumping you as a friend because our schedules don't always mesh. Just remember to say hello every once and again and know your friends are missing you when we don't hear from you in awhile. *hugs*
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