Chris Kraynik (tidus) wrote,
Chris Kraynik
tidus

Everyone's a little bit angsty, sometimes...

...even me, but I'm sure that most of you have seen it in my writing before.  Anyway, the point of this is that I've disappointed myself.  I'm not the worst person in the world, but I've totally dropped the ball on a number of friendships and such... and while apologies probably mean little to many of you, it's a start.  This post was triggered by one of my friends dropping me from his MySpace friends list in the last day or so.  I noticed immediately, as he was on my Top 8... and after writing him a message to ask why, I started to realize it for myself.  I'm a shitty friend, to a lot of people.  If I can't just call or text message you every once in a while to check in, I often don't make any further efforts beyond that... and for many more of you, I don't even get that far.  I'm okay at responding and replying, stuff like that... but I'm horrible at being proactive.  I'm even like this to my family... and it isn't that I don't care, it's that my mind is everywhere but where it should be.  I've spread myself too thin... and while I'm not just now recognizing that, I am now finally trying to do something about it.

These are just words... don't treat them as anything more.  If we haven't talked in a while, maybe it's my fault... maybe it's yours.  Maybe it's both of ours... but regardless, I'm going to try to hold myself accountable for the friendships I should care more about.  Oh, and while I'm at it... I'd like to be honest with all of you about what kind of person I really am right now, and let you re-evaluate your opinion of me.  I try to be a good person... and while many of you might generally find me to be one, many of you are also likely not to.  Pick your reason... I'm arrogant, an attention whore, and even known to some as untrustworthy because of how I flirt.  Some of you know all about me, and see me as I really am... and have accepted my flaws, yet still remain my friend.  That means the most to me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Unfortunately, some of you have simply judged me... and while that may not make me happy, you do have the right to choose your friends.  I just hope that you'll stop pretending, and drop me from your friends lists if you don't really like me.

Now's your chance.  I won't give you shit about it if you do... I'll just wish you well, and that will be that.  I don't think of you as just another name on a list, I promise you that... but if that's the way I treat you, then parting ways with me just might be the best for both of us.

I don't even know why I'm writing this any more.  I feel like I'm just venting about nothing because I currently feel a bit depressed.  My life isn't shit, either... I love my job and the company takes care of me, I've seen quite a bit of my closest friends lately, my family is healthy and safe (as am I), I like my living situation, and I feel loved.  It's as someone said about me once, though... I just can't stand being rejected, though it's actually only under specific circumstances that it really upsets me like this.  If I've treated someone well, I expect the same in return... but life isn't like that.  It fucking never is, for anyone... you don't give what you get, nor get what you give.  Accepting that is a sudden step in maturing.  The people you want to be with won't always want to be with you, and it doesn't matter what you do for them... you can't change that.  It only hurts to try... and it only hurts them more to give them the impression that their good deeds are moving them closer.  That's why we all struggle so... for approval we may never receive, for unavoidable heartache that we convince ourselves isn't coming.

I'm not really sure what else to write... but as I haven't really let many people know exactly what's going on with me, here's a recap of the past six months or something.  I'm living and working in Santa Clara, and I visit San Francisco quite frequently... despite that I still don't have a car, and public transit down here (VTA, Caltrain) sucks horribly compared to any other public transit I've ever used.  On the bright side, I'll be able to afford a car in no time thanks to this new job.  The new apartment is nice, and I'm planning to have a party down there at some point once the place is the way I want it.  I'll also be planning and funding another weekend LiveJournal party, though I've ultimately decided to keep them small and friendly (around 25 people, Metreon or Golden Gate Park... same as always) until I can afford to quite literally get a San Francisco permit and make it a national event.  It'll probably be a year before I can do this, but I do intend to throw a national LiveJournal party one day to celebrate the LiveJournal purchase by SixApart which caused them to move to San Francisco.

In other news, I still occasionally play Dance Dance Revolution and In the Groove.  I can pass some 11 difficulty songs now on Single mode (Charlene and Utopia on Expert), and I expect to pass Xuxa next.  I hear Robotix Expert is easy, too... so I'll also have to try that one.  Besides that, you should see me at Fanime this year (I live so near by that I have no excuse to miss it), though I'm not sure that I'm going to remain on staff due to work.  I may not be able to get enough time off to staff again, but I'll definitely at least go as an attendee.  I'll be requesting time off for Anime Expo as well, though that's a way off still.  Speaking of staffing anime conventions, I very recently resigned as the Deputy Chief Director of JTAF4 and Con Ops at Jrock Connection.  I will not be staffing any conventions in the future, except under very special circumstances... and it's simply because I no longer have the time.  I will miss having the chance to contribute, though I will try to find other ways to do so... perhaps as a sponsor, Web host, or something else.

There's other stuff going on in my life right now, including some drama that I'd much rather avoid amongst some people that I used to spend a fair amount of time with.  While there are obvious disagreements between us, I just want to take this time to apologize for my own varying and inconsistent shortcomings.  I'm patient at times, short at others.  Also... I suspect that I sometimes come across as ready to commit to a relationship, but I'm most certainly not ready.  This is also my own fault, and an apology is again only the first step towards making such things right.  As part of my atonement for this, I'm making an effort to be very clear with people... and instead of allowing some people to be led on, I'm cutting off intimate physical contact with anyone I'm not planning to be with in the future.  There will be no more broken hearts placed on my shoulders, whether it's someone else's fault or not.  I'm sick of that bullshit, and I will do whatever it takes to cut that fucked up drama completely out of my life.  Don't blame me if you see me as who you want me to be, or if you ignore my words.  I'm not leading anyone on in any way any more.

I will fix my life with your help, or without it.  I know it's not perfect, and I don't care to hear the words of anyone who hasn't listened (or heard) my words when I've spoken them first.  That's all for now... expect more phone posts from me in the future, to make up for the general lack of time I have to post with words.

- Chris (cK1)

Edit: I totally forgot to mention something important.  I believe that one of my friends who lives in San Francisco is still looking for work... but she needs something where she'd get paid "under the table" because she has a student visa, and legally isn't allowed to work or something.  If you know of any such jobs for a hard-working individual living in San Francisco, please let me know... I'll put you two in touch.
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