It hurts, but sometimes I just go on pretending that I don't know what you're writing about me. I don't want our friendship to be ruined by little things... but little things add up. If you're reading this and you suddenly realize that it's at least partially about you, perhaps it's time to stop hurting me. I know that many of you think that I won't find out about what you said, because it was written on a post that I can't see... or you wrote it off LiveJournal... or you wrote a post that only specific users can read. However, this isn't the way the world works... and as more time goes by, most of it gets back to me simply due to the sheer number of people I know. Unfortunately... the more people you know, the more likely it is that one will talk shit. I've seen so many screenshots and saved Web pages that really, really hurt... and thanks to the friends who share them with me, I can move forward and focus on the people who are actually improving my life instead of slowly unraveling it. It feels good to finally understand why someone that I've never met doesn't treat me well when I've treated them well, but I understand the lies that their opinions are based upon now. I try not to begrudge them once I figure it out, though I wish they'd form their own opinions based on what they see... instead of what they hear.
It's a really weird feeling... stopping to reflect on one's life, and piecing things together. I don't highly recommend it, as it can really hurt... but I'd rather know the truth than just close my ears and eyes, hoping that people are honest. I know a lot of people, and it's been difficult to find the time for them all... so instead of assuming that all of my friends are just that when evidence points in other directions, I'm confronting them and calling them on their bullshit. They have their side of any issue, just as I have mine... but when it all boils down to what's going on, I find that I keep the friends who don't sacrifice the feelings of others for their own happiness. That's why I've been removing some people from my friends list lately... and others will follow once I speak with them as well. Still, this doesn't wrap it up... there's something more, and it's been weighing on me. It's love... and specifically, the one girl who those of you who know me used to hear a lot about. There's a whole story that I can't tell about how I met her, and how I fell in love with her... and as you may have read in my journal before, it's for her protection. I wish that I could say more, especially why... but what I can tell you is the result. I'm still alone.
On a Valentine's Day post here on LiveJournal years ago, I got a random comment from another user. After checking out her profile, I realized that I knew of her already due to her phenomenal artwork that I'd seen online. Unfortunately, she lived on the other side of the USA. We flirted a bit, apparently instantly attracted to eachother both physically and mentally... and I one day realized that I was thinking about her every time I woke up, and every time that I went to sleep. Not positive that I was in love, I continued to confess strong feelings for her... despite a general lack of frequent communication from her, due to an art-related stress injury. After a year or so, she risked calling me on the phone... and the conversation was unforgettable for many reasons, most of all because she told me that she had been in love with me for months. In the later part of last year, we finally met... and things were equally amazing. We made love, again and again... and it was the best sex that I've ever had. We also learned a bit more about eachother, and resolved to eventually start a life together. While I can't say why, she was forced to make a decision... between me and her life-long career in art. Yes, she should be able to choose both... but in this case, she currently can not.
She didn't choose me. After resolving to wait until she could change her situation, I waited... and waited... and waited some more. It's been a year since I started waiting, and I still can't get over her. The only relief I had was when I broke things off with her officially shortly after my last post here, and later got exclusively involved with my friend Danialle... who not only helped restore my sanity when it came to love, but also was a really wonderful person to be around in all of the differing times we spent together. We were practically joined at the hip for two months, as we eventually became so close... but eventually, she dumped me. I haven't been dumped since I was like 19, which was 7 years ago. Though she cited a number of reasons including that she didn't want to change me, one reason continues to ring in my mind almost daily... that she believed I was still in love with my ex-girlfriend. While I didn't see things that way at the time, perhaps she's right. The hardest part about all of this is that I would've done and given up anything for her... all of my possessions, all of my freedoms... and I believe my life as well, if it would protect hers. I remember when I almost went to buy her an engagement ring... and if she'd have me, I'd marry her tomorrow.
Love is blind. I think about the fact that she'll be in California at the end of this week, and I can't see her. It tears at me for so many reasons. I want to tell all of you exactly why, and I hate that I can't. The most difficult part is this feeling that I've had since I broke things off with her... that if I would give up anything for her, it's not possible for her to love me as much as I love her. However... who am I to stand in the way of her dreams, or anyone else's? Sadly, pressuring her somehow actually crossed my mind when I was feeling so lonely that I could barely take it... but truly loving someone means that you put them first, which I wish she'd also do for me. The unfortunate thing about love is that it's rarely requited, and it's even more rare that the person happens to also be compatible with you. All I have left is the hope that she will find a way to be with me... or if that hope is misguided, that she'll understand that it wasn't really love that she feels. Perhaps another beautiful, talented woman is in my future... but I just can't see it. I remember when I first realized that I constantly thought of my friend Sara (who I also met online, notice the trend?), mainly after dating Danialle... but again, disappointment hit me when I took a step back to try and see my situation for what it really was, and discovered that Sara's actions didn't actually coincide with someone who is in love with me. I've been disappointed rather recently by others in very similar situations, as well.
So... if you're reading this, don't be too surprised if I don't seem very interested in a serious relationship. As I've all but given up on being happy in love, I've decided not to pursue anything more than friendships in the future. I don't mind dating... but I'm sick of being the one who thinks about commitment. I also feel that being in a relationship hasn't ever really fully helped me in any way... it just causes jealousy, doubt, and a bunch of other shit that I really no longer want or need in exchange for a different kind of happiness. I won't ever claim that I don't want to be in love, but I'm sick of the bullshit that goes along with it... so I've already begun doing all that I can to avoid it. It appears to be working, as I'm happier... though the past month has also included a lot of disappointment from so-called friends. I've been a bit down because of that, but generally happier to deal with the truth instead of any more bullshit of any kind. To those of you who continue to masquerade as people who like me while you talk shit, FUCK YOU. Expect no sympathy from me when I learn of your deception. To those of you who continue to support me through it all, especially nominalsoul and jettcat... thank you, sincerely. I've already begun to change, and with that change will come what appears to be forms of withdrawal in comparison to my typical extroverted appearance... but it's okay. I'll make it.
So, now all of you know why I haven't written anything in my LiveJournal for around nine and a half months. I apologize for that... but it's painful for me, to the point where I cried a little when I wrote this. I won't promise to write frequently in the future... though I will stop hesitating to write because of the girl I continue to long for, or because I see kind public comments from people who I recently discovered writing harsh ones about me elsewhere. It's even worse that I can trace it back so accurately to only a few people. Even when it makes me bury my face in my hands at the friendships I may have lost the chance to even create, or even when I cry thinking about how my constant love for one person may not be fully requited... it's better to know. I hope that in the future, people will judge me on the person they meet instead of the person they may have heard of... but that choice is theirs, as I can't make it for them. No, I'm not okay... but I will be. I just need more time to finish this.
Remember me near... there may be times when it's not right for me to be there... but remember me near...
- Chris (cK1)
P.S. I have an interview for a $55,000/year salaried job tomorrow. Wish me luck.