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...is discovering that people you care about have been deceiving you.  It's one of the things in life that matures us almost instantly, and teaches us either to expect disappointment or be more guarded with our trust.  However, I refuse to change when it comes to trust by default... and that means that I will continue to expect to be hurt.  While I unfortunately have too many examples of this to put in this one post, I can definitely think of a few.  It hurts to find out when a "friend" writes something about you like, "...he tried to do his usual kinda trashy-creepy pickup..." or "...not to talk trash, but he's extremely self-righteous..." and talks shit about you at work, then invites you out to dinner later that week.  Not to talk trash, heh... but what an asshole.  It feels even worse when you've let said person back in to your trust, as well... and you suddenly realize (over the past month, for me) that the person never really changed at all... and only pretended to, while trying to get on the best terms possible with people who I have history with.  Deception like that is just plain devious.  What I'm most tired of is much simpler, though.  This person constantly accuses me of things which are in fact their own mistakes and faults... which is not only hypocritical, but also quite inaccurate once again.

It hurts, but sometimes I just go on pretending that I don't know what you're writing about me.  I don't want our friendship to be ruined by little things... but little things add up.  If you're reading this and you suddenly realize that it's at least partially about you, perhaps it's time to stop hurting me.  I know that many of you think that I won't find out about what you said, because it was written on a post that I can't see... or you wrote it off LiveJournal... or you wrote a post that only specific users can read.  However, this isn't the way the world works... and as more time goes by, most of it gets back to me simply due to the sheer number of people I know.  Unfortunately... the more people you know, the more likely it is that one will talk shit.  I've seen so many screenshots and saved Web pages that really, really hurt... and thanks to the friends who share them with me, I can move forward and focus on the people who are actually improving my life instead of slowly unraveling it.  It feels good to finally understand why someone that I've never met doesn't treat me well when I've treated them well, but I understand the lies that their opinions are based upon now.  I try not to begrudge them once I figure it out, though I wish they'd form their own opinions based on what they see... instead of what they hear.

It's a really weird feeling... stopping to reflect on one's life, and piecing things together.  I don't highly recommend it, as it can really hurt... but I'd rather know the truth than just close my ears and eyes, hoping that people are honest.  I know a lot of people, and it's been difficult to find the time for them all... so instead of assuming that all of my friends are just that when evidence points in other directions, I'm confronting them and calling them on their bullshit.  They have their side of any issue, just as I have mine... but when it all boils down to what's going on, I find that I keep the friends who don't sacrifice the feelings of others for their own happiness.  That's why I've been removing some people from my friends list lately... and others will follow once I speak with them as well.  Still, this doesn't wrap it up... there's something more, and it's been weighing on me.  It's love... and specifically, the one girl who those of you who know me used to hear a lot about.  There's a whole story that I can't tell about how I met her, and how I fell in love with her... and as you may have read in my journal before, it's for her protection.  I wish that I could say more, especially why... but what I can tell you is the result.  I'm still alone.

On a Valentine's Day post here on LiveJournal years ago, I got a random comment from another user.  After checking out her profile, I realized that I knew of her already due to her phenomenal artwork that I'd seen online.  Unfortunately, she lived on the other side of the USA.  We flirted a bit, apparently instantly attracted to eachother both physically and mentally... and I one day realized that I was thinking about her every time I woke up, and every time that I went to sleep.  Not positive that I was in love, I continued to confess strong feelings for her... despite a general lack of frequent communication from her, due to an art-related stress injury.  After a year or so, she risked calling me on the phone... and the conversation was unforgettable for many reasons, most of all because she told me that she had been in love with me for months.  In the later part of last year, we finally met... and things were equally amazing.  We made love, again and again... and it was the best sex that I've ever had.  We also learned a bit more about eachother, and resolved to eventually start a life together.  While I can't say why, she was forced to make a decision... between me and her life-long career in art.  Yes, she should be able to choose both... but in this case, she currently can not.

She didn't choose me.  After resolving to wait until she could change her situation, I waited... and waited... and waited some more.  It's been a year since I started waiting, and I still can't get over her.  The only relief I had was when I broke things off with her officially shortly after my last post here, and later got exclusively involved with my friend Danialle... who not only helped restore my sanity when it came to love, but also was a really wonderful person to be around in all of the differing times we spent together.  We were practically joined at the hip for two months, as we eventually became so close... but eventually, she dumped me.  I haven't been dumped since I was like 19, which was 7 years ago.  Though she cited a number of reasons including that she didn't want to change me, one reason continues to ring in my mind almost daily... that she believed I was still in love with my ex-girlfriend.  While I didn't see things that way at the time, perhaps she's right.  The hardest part about all of this is that I would've done and given up anything for her... all of my possessions, all of my freedoms... and I believe my life as well, if it would protect hers.  I remember when I almost went to buy her an engagement ring... and if she'd have me, I'd marry her tomorrow.

Love is blind.  I think about the fact that she'll be in California at the end of this week, and I can't see her.  It tears at me for so many reasons.  I want to tell all of you exactly why, and I hate that I can't.  The most difficult part is this feeling that I've had since I broke things off with her... that if I would give up anything for her, it's not possible for her to love me as much as I love her.  However... who am I to stand in the way of her dreams, or anyone else's?  Sadly, pressuring her somehow actually crossed my mind when I was feeling so lonely that I could barely take it... but truly loving someone means that you put them first, which I wish she'd also do for me.  The unfortunate thing about love is that it's rarely requited, and it's even more rare that the person happens to also be compatible with you.  All I have left is the hope that she will find a way to be with me... or if that hope is misguided, that she'll understand that it wasn't really love that she feels.  Perhaps another beautiful, talented woman is in my future... but I just can't see it.  I remember when I first realized that I constantly thought of my friend Sara (who I also met online, notice the trend?), mainly after dating Danialle... but again, disappointment hit me when I took a step back to try and see my situation for what it really was, and discovered that Sara's actions didn't actually coincide with someone who is in love with me.  I've been disappointed rather recently by others in very similar situations, as well.

So... if you're reading this, don't be too surprised if I don't seem very interested in a serious relationship.  As I've all but given up on being happy in love, I've decided not to pursue anything more than friendships in the future.  I don't mind dating... but I'm sick of being the one who thinks about commitment.  I also feel that being in a relationship hasn't ever really fully helped me in any way... it just causes jealousy, doubt, and a bunch of other shit that I really no longer want or need in exchange for a different kind of happiness.  I won't ever claim that I don't want to be in love, but I'm sick of the bullshit that goes along with it... so I've already begun doing all that I can to avoid it.  It appears to be working, as I'm happier... though the past month has also included a lot of disappointment from so-called friends.  I've been a bit down because of that, but generally happier to deal with the truth instead of any more bullshit of any kind.  To those of you who continue to masquerade as people who like me while you talk shit, FUCK YOU.  Expect no sympathy from me when I learn of your deception.  To those of you who continue to support me through it all, especially nominalsoul and jettcat... thank you, sincerely.  I've already begun to change, and with that change will come what appears to be forms of withdrawal in comparison to my typical extroverted appearance... but it's okay.  I'll make it.

So, now all of you know why I haven't written anything in my LiveJournal for around nine and a half months.  I apologize for that... but it's painful for me, to the point where I cried a little when I wrote this.  I won't promise to write frequently in the future... though I will stop hesitating to write because of the girl I continue to long for, or because I see kind public comments from people who I recently discovered writing harsh ones about me elsewhere.  It's even worse that I can trace it back so accurately to only a few people.  Even when it makes me bury my face in my hands at the friendships I may have lost the chance to even create, or even when I cry thinking about how my constant love for one person may not be fully requited... it's better to know.  I hope that in the future, people will judge me on the person they meet instead of the person they may have heard of... but that choice is theirs, as I can't make it for them.  No, I'm not okay... but I will be.  I just need more time to finish this.

Remember me near... there may be times when it's not right for me to be there... but remember me near...

- Chris (cK1)

P.S.  I have an interview for a $55,000/year salaried job tomorrow.  Wish me luck.


( 109 comments — Leave a comment )
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Sep. 13th, 2005 04:22 am (UTC)
I am sorry people are such wankerfaces, Chris. :[ Feel free to call and harass me if you need tooo~!
Sep. 16th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Selphie-chan...
It's been nice seeing so much more of you lately, as opposed to simply at conventions and occasional social events.  I'm honored to be a member of the Final Fantasy: Shiny Things, and I look forward to doing more to help out.  Now, I just have to figure out whether or not to try and attend Ani-Magic... well, that and sort out the other 20 things going on in my life.  ;)  Please call me some time soon, as I have something important to discuss with you.

- Chris
Sep. 13th, 2005 04:28 am (UTC)

good luck..

take care
Sep. 16th, 2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
Thankfully, I'll be seeing you soon...
According to your profile page, it's only one month and a week until Yaoi-Con.  I must admit that I'm very, very, very, very very VERY VERY ***VERY*** much looking forward to that.  ;)  Could ya tell?  *lol*  Anyhow, I can't wait to see you there once more... I miss you.  I hope that we can spend some big chunks of time together.  *softly kisses your cheek*

- Chris
Re: Thankfully, I'll be seeing you soon... - sharachan - Sep. 16th, 2005 07:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Thankfully, I'll be seeing you soon... - tidus - Sep. 16th, 2005 07:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 13th, 2005 04:28 am (UTC)
Wow...welcome back to LJ. I hope you remember me; if not, no worries.

That was a hard post to read, mostly because having one's heart smashed to bits is not an unfamiliar feeling >< Not at all. I found that my friends were very comforting during times like that; I hope you've got people to take care of you as well.

Keep smiling; it will get easier. If you've still got the #, I'm there to listen should you ever need to rant.
Sep. 16th, 2005 06:39 pm (UTC)
Forget YOU...?
I'm not really sure how I could forget you, Natalie.  *hugs you close*  I hope that I can make my way over to New York to visit you one day, in fact.  :)  I still have your cell and home number as well, so I guess that I should try calling one or both of 'em to see if they still work.  If not, I suppose that I can try asking you for an update on 'em.  Do you still live over there, and everything?

I'd like to add how sorry I am that you're familiar with having your heart kind'a... crushed... in to this shriveled mass of attempted brilliance.  It's never, ever easy for me to deal with... and I do so every day.  *rubs the tip of his nose against yours*  I can't promise you that you'll be truly happy one day, though I sincerely hope you are... but I can promise you that you'll always be in my heart, and that I will wish to be with you one day.

- Chris
Re: Forget YOU...? - yesmyqueen - Sep. 17th, 2005 04:39 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 13th, 2005 04:29 am (UTC)
So sorry to hear about the bad things happening to you. It really sucks when someone just breaks your heart like that. :/ Don't listen to those that just talk crap behind your back, they are not worth your time.

Sorry that I have called you to say I was in the area but my phone service was getting wonky tonky in the area that I called in. ;;o;; I really need to get verizon plan when my phone plan dies with Cingular.

I hope you take care call me if you want to bug me! :3 I'll be there to listen to you.
Sep. 16th, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC)
*nods* Indeed...
Will do, Stella.  I do hope that you switch to Verizon... and if you ever need a phone or accessories, just contact Yours Truly for the hookups.  ^_^  I got you covered.  I miss hanging out with you.

- Chris
Sep. 13th, 2005 04:31 am (UTC)
You ARE always welcomed to give me a call. I appreciate you coming down to Fremont for my BBQ party and it was cool hanging out with you. If you want to hang out in Sanfrancisco, I'm up for it. Take care of yourself and be safe.
Sep. 16th, 2005 07:08 pm (UTC)
*smiles big*
I'm sorry that it took me so long to get to Fremont, but I'm glad that I was able to finally make it.  Thanks for coming to pick me up at BART, and dropping me off as well.  I do know that you'll be on the other end of the phone if I call (well, when you're not working) and I greatly appreciate that.  I'm not sure when I'll be free to hang out in San Francisco next, but I'll try and work that out with you.  Please do take care, and thank you again for allowing me to meet your amazing friends.  It was cool getting to chill with Renee's brother, too~!

- Chris
Sep. 13th, 2005 04:32 am (UTC)
**hugs** So sorry to hear about what happened to you.

You've posted though...and that makes this Quisty very happy. :)
Sep. 16th, 2005 07:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Nikkie...
*hugs you back*  I appreciate you thinking of me.  I should call you a lot more often, but we've had mixed luck at connecting with eachother in the past.  Ah well, I've never minded trying.  *grin*  I wish that you didn't live so far away.  Our phone calls always put me in a wonderful mood, though I'm sure you understand why.  ;)

- Chris
Sep. 13th, 2005 04:32 am (UTC)
Hey Chris, I miss talking to you.. *hugs* Good luck on your interview tomorrow
Sep. 16th, 2005 07:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Owen...
You're always so encouraging.  ^_________^  I never take that for granted.  I still have a cell phone number of yours, so hopefully it still works.  I'll give it a shot at some point.  Thanks for wishing me luck on my interview, bro.  Remember that you will always be the equivalent of family to me.  :)

- Chris
Re: Thanks, Owen... - ligaa - Sep. 16th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 13th, 2005 04:34 am (UTC)
Take it from one who knows - it's very, very hard to know that you're always going to be second best to someone else in the heart of someone you love. There are only two things one can do - shoulder the pain with dignity and wait for them to heal, or walk away before the pain destroys you. It's hard to blame someone for choosing the latter.

FWIW, I think that you're doing the right thing, and that taking time for yourself is the best possible course. I've been there, too -- and it took me nearly five years to find myself and to reach out again. I think that you are rather more resilient in such matters than I, being a better-socialized human being. ^~ Accordingly, your healing will probably be faster. But take your time. Being alone is not always a bad thing; sometimes it gives you the perspective you need.

And now I'll get off my "Aged Voice of Experience" soapbox and just wish you well. ^~ *hugs*
Sep. 16th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC)
It's a difficult thing... being totally ready to give all of yourself, but repeatedly not finding someone who's ready to do the same.  *hugs you back*  Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this... I do always appreciate your unbiased voice of reason, in any situation.  Your maturity is why I've always found you so attractive.

- Chris
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 16th, 2005 09:53 pm (UTC)
I appreciate you thinking of me once again, Adam...
Being stabbed in the back sucks.  True friends stab you in the front, so to speak.  *grin*  Eh, I guess that I just need to figure out how not to get stabbed any more.  Thanks for being one of those people who I know will always have my back... you're phenomenally loyal, and also a very cool guy.  :)

- Chris
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 16th, 2005 09:57 pm (UTC)
You've helped me so much lately...
...and I really appreciate it, Tara.  :)  I wish that you hadn't been through what I was... I wouldn't wish it on anyone who has any good in them whatsoever.  At any rate, I'm glad that we're back in touch.  Thanks for being here for me, Tara... and thanks for being a reminder that there is hope for me.  I can't wait to be with you again, as you clearly know by now.

- Chris
Sep. 13th, 2005 05:01 am (UTC)

and good luck!
Sep. 16th, 2005 10:17 pm (UTC)
It's really great to hear from you.  ^____^  Hungarian pride~!  *grin*  Thanks for wishing me well... I'll update my journal when I hear back one way or another on the job.  *hugs you back*  By the way, I wanted to ask you for a favor... if it's not too much trouble.  I seem to have misplaced your brother Robert's cell number... and I was wondering if you could you give him mine if it's not too much trouble, and ask him to call me?  It's (415) 302-8869.  You are also welcome to give me a ring any time, or send me a text message.  Have a wonderful time at NDK~!

- Chris
Sep. 13th, 2005 05:16 am (UTC)
To you I wish best luck on your interview. As far as everything else be strong. I do not really know you well, but we have met. You added me to LJ friends list long time ago. :) I will say that...sadly in life there is those who go behind the back of a friend, but keep in mind the ones who do not and who care for you. Also keep in mind you learn of true friends when life becomes difficult because the true friend is always there for you. And for love....it is just difficult subject sometime. I however hope you to take care. :)
Sep. 13th, 2005 05:18 am (UTC)
Though things are painful about the relationship thing, i can understand the one you love's choice. If I had to choose between love and my career, I would choose my career. I know it sounds cold and heartless.. but there are some things a person must do. I've always had a life long dream of being an artist, I'm about to submitt my comic in week and start my dreams (which is teh moment i've bene waiting for my entire life.) It's something thats apart of you, and what you must do to validate your existence, before you can love others. Think of it as being apart of this life's trek. If you don't have your initial dreams that you had when you were a kid, you have nothing. You are a failed being. I'd feel failed if i couldn't suceed in my own art work. And if your love is an artist, I'm sure she has the same kind of passion and drive. We artists (and anybody who's ever had a life long dream) have to achieve our dreams before the 2nd, the love, comes into play. -It should never be a one or the other situation, but these things happen. To an artist, if they are not creating, or doing what they enjoy the most, they are dieing, and not living. I know it seems extreme, but I can't begin to tell you how real this dream is. I know it's hard to deal with such dissions, I'm I'm happy that I myself have not had to make such hard disicions in my life. That would be a very painful thing. But if your love is anything like me, I'm sure that she is only happy when she can get things out on paper, or canvus.. what ever she does.

This strangely reminds me of me and my cousin growing up. I remmeber the 2 of us drawing to the wee hours of the morning for fun. We'd get so much enjoyment our of drawing. We had fun doing what we did, and we were truelly preparing for our lives ahead.. we never knew how important that was.. til now. Me and my cousin have always had this drive and love for what we do. I wonder if your love ever had a moment like that? You know where from start to finish, life and art are one in the same, your recreation is your art work you make. Just a random thought I'd thought I'd share with you.

Where was I going with this?
Well thats what I can say for your love.. just try to understand an artists discsion.. it's a very important one. For example,I guess it would be like a Christian and their God and Jesus. HArdcore Christians will not give up their religious thought for love. If they can, they will figure out how it will lend itself to their life style.. but seldomly will they marry a Satanist. Only if it meant converting them would they.

-however the people who back stab you.. thats a fucked up thing. I'm sorry this is occuring. Also don't hold the one person to blame because they are recieving bad information. They don't know this person can't be trusted with information. Usually people take someone's word when it comes to information liek that, in order to aviod a conflict, or a bad person. So I wouldn't take their actions personally.
Sucks though. : (

Sorry I talked your ear off about an artist's dream. I felt it important when it comes so close to my own passion.

Hope you are feeling better soon, and don't cross off love so easily, just learn from what you've went through, and take things easier. Love will find away, just let things be natural.. swear off nothing, and be cool about it.

take care!


p.s. sorry for the jumbled sentences, fragments, run-ons, spelling mistakes. I should proof this stuff.. but i'm a lazy panda. ^^;; sorry sorry!
Sep. 13th, 2005 05:34 am (UTC)
Aww, Chris... Cheer up, sweetheart. I know what you mean, I just broke up with my man, and it's pretty hard to get through the days. It's getting better. Not much, but it is getting better. It'll get better for you, too.

Hope to talk to you a bit more, drop me a line if you'd like.


Also, good luck on the job. I'll say a little prayer for you.
Sep. 13th, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)
it's a cruel world we live in man but like you said, all your real friends will be behind your back no matter what =D

good luck on your interview!!! get that job!!!!! =D
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