Chris Kraynik (tidus) wrote,
Chris Kraynik

"Man, if you pack food like you pack fudge..."  - Jimbo (staplerx)

As usual, I've got a plethora of things to discuss... and only one LiveJournal entry I want to discuss them all in.  I'll start with some good news, though.  As many of you already know, the Appleseed movie is on its way to theaters next month.  I was recently contacted by a kind gentleman from Soulkool... a New York-based company that created the official Appleseed Web site, and also does publicity work for Appleseed and possibly other state-side anime releases through Geneon Animation.  The sites they do are amazing.  I'm not aware of how I was discovered online, though I suspect it was through LiveJournal... but I was quite flattered to be contacted by a representative from Soulkool, at any rate.  After talking to him on the phone, we agreed that I would do promotional work in San Francisco for the movie launch.  So... if you see Appleseed flyers and general branding throughout Japantown, the Metreon, San Francisco State University (especially at AnimeFX), and many other centralized locations throughout San Francisco and Daly City... well, odds are that they had something to do with me.  I'll be busy next month.  :)

Since I want to do a really good job of helping to promote the movie, and this has been way too long overdue anyway... our next LiveJournal party will almost definitely be to go Appleseed upon it's North America theatrical launch.  This seems like a good time of the year to do it... some people are on break from school, and there isn't too much going on at this time of the year except for post-Christmas sales.  We might need to buy tickets in advance, and we may not be able to do Karaoke afterwards if the movie's showing too late at night... but one way or another, we'll figure it out.  As always, I'll try to organize something DDR-related... and bring us some food and drink.  Additional details on the party will be posted as they're determined, behind an LJ-cut for those of you who live too far away to possibly attend.

On a much more personal note, I've been going through an especially difficult emotional time lately.  To make a long story short, I've been close to crying a little when people ask me when my girlfriend will be coming out here to live with me... because I honestly don't know.  I don't even know how she's been doing lately.  While some people are being really supportive, and just keep encouraging me to hang in there and be strong for the both of us... I also get a lot of advice that falls contrary to that, and it's beginning to take its toll on me.  I'm a patient person.  I waited months for the most basic of things in this relationship, time and again... but now I'm at the finish line, and I feel like the line's moving away from me as I approach it.  I've offered everything of myself, every moment of my time and everything I've got... but nothing appears to be enough.  Right now, it's really just a matter of how much longer I can hold on to the memories her and I have made... memories that were better than any moment in any part of my entire life.  Knowing what it feels like to be so happy, then being denied it for months... it's nearly too much for me to bare.

All of you have been wonderful people to me, with the exception of some of you who have (rightly so) challenged me about this situation.  There's nothing easy about not being able to answer basic questions about a girl I speak of as my current exclusive relationship.  What I do know, because I feel it in every inch of every part of my body, is that her and I are completely in love with eachother.  What I don't know is if she'll have to choose me over her career, and thus give up her dreams... or if she'll have to choose her career over me, and break both of our hearts.  It shouldn't be this way, and I'm working to help give us both a better option... but in the meanwhile, I feel so adrift and alone.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but one night I quite literally curled up into a ball on my couch... shuddering with fear and undirected rage at why things couldn't simply be normal and okay, after all the work I'd done to make my relationship perfect and enduring.  I've never been so afraid of anything in my entire life as I was of my relationship crumbling, and the thought of losing her.  That was quite definitely the worst night of my entire life.  Good things have come of this... I quit smoking, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm making choices that benefit my future.  Bad things have come of it, too... I've hurt a number of women who were very close to me, simply because I speak of my love for someone they've never seen and heard little of.  I feel censored... withdrawn.  I can feel my spontaneity slipping away, and can feel that I have no choice... it's the way it has to be.  I can't keep doing stupid little things that might prevent my future from going smoothly... and thus I spend more time being generally more bored, and thinking about a girl that I love... but haven't seen in so long.

I'm going to need the help of my friends to get through this.  I can't do this alone any more... it's tearing at my heart, grating it away like little strips of perfect memories.  I can't pretend that nothing's wrong in company, yet break down in solitude.  Something needs to give... something needs to work.  I've bent as far as I can go... and I fear that if I don't hold firm any longer, I'll break in two, and be worthless to everyone.  I can't stand crying as I write of this any more, as I am now.  There's so much love bottled up in my heart... and I feel as if someone hammered a cork in so tightly that I'll have to be broken to let it out again.  Amazingly... if I had ever imagined such pain coming from this relationship, I still would do it all over again just this way.

I can't imagine a life without her... not any more.  I've had a taste of what my life could be, and I give my word that I will never go back again if I have a choice left in my heart... and breath left in my body.  It hurts me to smile, and torments me to cry.  My love hasn't got much time left.

100 True Things About Me

1. In high school, I ran the "Fantasy Gaming Club" where we tried to play a pen and paper game of Dungeons and Dragons and watch anime.  Due to the immaturity of my friends who attended it, the club was so unsuccessful that even *I* eventually abandoned the idea.

2. I used to sing in the shower.  I think that I gave it up when I realized how bad I sounded singing some songs.

3. You can ask me anything.  A total stranger can ask me the length and width of my penis, and I'll answer it truthfully... as well as without hesitation.  I might look at the person oddly, though.

4. My favorite color is blue, my favorite food is sashimi (raw Japanese fish), my eyes are green, and I wear clear contact lenses.  If I ever get colored contact lenses, I'll probably get a tint that makes my eyes look a bit purple.

5. I believe that part of the reason that I always seem so happy (and in fact am happy) is because of the upbeat music that I listen to.  Oddly enough, that music is not pop... and in fact, it's mostly trance remixes, drum 'n bass, and underground breakbeats.  I still don't like most country music, but I'll listen to anything else.

6. Up until my sophomore year in high school, I used to be nearly the most shy person I've ever met.  I wouldn't even look people directly in the eye unless I knew 'em, and all of my friends were gamers and computer nerds.

7. Back when I was too young to even remember what grade I was in, my friend talked me into leaving a Lucky's supermarket before paying for my Skor candy bar.  I didn't even realize that I was stealing until I thought about it as soon as I was outside.  I was too worried to bring it back in... so I left the area with him, and ate it.  It still tasted good, despite how shitty I felt.  I got over it when I realized that it costed about 60 cents.

8. Four years ago, I owned a brand new 2000 Chevy Camaro.  Now I take two buses, a train, and walk for a total of about 30 minutes to one of my jobs because I can't afford another car yet.

9. The only women I've ever fallen in love with were all women I first met online.

10. I once got arrested for not paying a traffic ticket.  I was led out of my apartment in handcuffs by a pair of rookie cops.  One of them even stuttered as he asked me to turn around.  I made bail almost immediately, and never made it past the waiting room.  Please don't hate me.

11. I paid $100 for my permanent account here on LiveJournal, during a brief window of opportunity when they sold them a couple of years ago.  I doubt they'll ever sell them again.

12. I've never fallen as deeply in love as I am right now.  I know this because it's never hurt as much as it does right now to not be with her, and I feel it more than once during every single day of my life.

13. I used to wear a retainer, which helped to correct an overbite.  I once left it on a stone in my school's playground on a Friday evening, and came back and found it on Saturday.  Today, my teeth have some pretty deep cavities which no one ever seems to notice.

14. I'm one of the biggest attention whores I know.  I struggle desperately with my desire for the approval of my peers.  This is part of the reason why I feel hurt when people remove me from their LiveJournal friends lists.  It's also the main reason I play Dance Dance Revolution so much.

15. My favorite movie is The Princess Bride, which was directed by Rob Reiner.  As cheesy and formulaic as it might be, it embodies the very spirit of who I wish I was... and what I would do to protect the totally gorgeous girl I'm in love with right now.  In fact, she reminds me greatly of Princess Buttercup in terms of physical appearance.

16. I gave my ex-girlfriend over 40 orgasms in a row, while having intense sex for something like 7 or 8 hours straight.  We were going for a record, and she was trying to keeping track.  She lost count at around 40.</b>

17. I've had some real assholes for roommates, though they didn't start out that way.  One of them stole $300.00 and personal stuff from me, causing me to have to move out.  The other moved out after a short time, and forced me to do the same.  These two roommates both lived in different apartments in the same building, so I've had to leave that address twice.  My current roommate John (l33tsysadmin) is the best roommate I've ever had, and one of the most wonderful people I've ever known in my entire life.

18. When I say the words "I love you" to a person, it's forever.  You are like family to me from then on.

19. I write HTML in Windows Notepad, and color-coded text editors.  When I look at HTML that's been hand-typed written by a person, I see it rendered... even if there are tons of nested tables in it.  To see some of my work, check out the official BART Web site... the site for a public transit system used by thousands of San Francisco Bay Area residents (which includes me) every day.  The code I wrote is being used on that site today, and I spent months working on that project.

20. I spend a lot of time with nominalsoul, who no longer uses his LiveJournal.  He's also one of the kindest and most intelligent (despite being younger than me) people I've ever known, and has done more for me in a year than some of my friends have in a lifetime.

21. Cleavage, long smooth legs, clear skin on a girl's face, and pretty hair turns me on.  I apologize if that makes me sexist for in some way objectifying a woman by her physical features, but I believe that every man in this world is sexist in that case... as is every woman.  I believe that no matter how hard we try to suppress it, we are all in some way driven by sexual desires.

22. I once briefly drove my car over 120 miles per hour around a bumpy corner on a busy freeway in the rain, with a co-worker I carpooled with, on my way to a salary job in Foster City from my home in Corte Madera.  If there was no one on the road and I sped the entire way there or back, I could get from home to work or vice versa in 35 minutes.  When I did that, I averaged over 90mph for the entire trip.  Sadly, those aren't even anywhere near the worst driving stories I've had.  My friend Guillaume (who formerly went by the nickname Will, and also has a LiveJournal) still remembers me for catching air in my old '94 Chevy Cavalier, when we landed in the middle of a curve in the road over 50 feet from the point my wheels left the ground... and no, I didn't do any discernible damage to the car or anything else.  I drive like a saint now in comparison to the way I used to, and barely even speed.

23. I once chose to end my friendship with my best friend Jordan, a guy who I wound up being best friends with for about 12 years.  My cousin and his friends talked me into doing this.  This was back before I started high school, less than a year after meeting him.  My reasoning for this was that he was too much of a dork, which made no sense since I was just as much of one as he was.  After ending our friendship, I went to the bathroom to hang out with the people who had talked me into this in a bathroom... and talked shit about Jordan.  Shortly after that, I heard someone crying in one of the closed stalls... and immediately realized who it was.  To this day, I've never felt the same way as I did at that moment.  I believe that was the worst thing I ever did.  A week later, I apologized and fixed things between us.  Today, he's too busy playing games to return my calls.  Payback's a bitch.

24. I was the top speller in my class in a catholic private school I attended for a few years in San Francisco, called Notre Dame de Victoires... which means "Our Lady of Victory" in French, if I remember correctly.  However, I lost a school-wide spelling bee on the first word when I was there.  They asked me to spell the word "anklet" which I knew how to spell, but couldn't understand the idiot woman who was reading the word.  Everyone else got words like "cupcake" and "birthday", I shit you not... and I was in the earliest grade of the entire competition, so everyone was older as well.  I walked out of the auditorium, and cried softly to myself.  I would have won that spelling bee if I had understood her, as I knew every word in it that I heard.  I learned to speak and write some French there.  I'm also nearly fluent in Spanish, partly due to my mom being born in Lima, Peru.  I've visited there three times, though I was too young to remember 99.5% of the first visit.

25. I may one day join the Peace Corps, or do something similar to what they do... as I have a strong desire to travel to less developed countries so that I can teach lots of people about contraception, health, irrigation, and farming.  I don't yet know much about irrigation and farming, though.  ^_^;;

26. My friend Shiki (who has a LiveJournal, but I haven't asked his permission to link to it) is the only man I've ever been attracted to.  If he were to ever kiss me while I was single, I actually might not try to stop him.  To this day, I don't know why that is... other than my notice of how good he looks and smells.  He's going to read this and blush.  I should call him again some time, as I miss him.  If this means that I'm not 100% straight, then that's what it means... and if you can't deal with that, you should probably remove me from your friends list.

27. I bring my laptop everywhere with me, so that I can watch stuff or work on it when I get bored.  I use it more than any other gift I've ever been given.  I also bring my cellular phone everywhere with me, and sometimes even interrupt my shower to answer it if I can hear it.  I probably use my cell as a flashlight once per day, on average.  If it's not bright enough, I use my front-lit Gameboy Advance SP.

28. I've been a staff member for nearly every Japanese animation convention in California, and I'm still a director for JapanTown Anime Faire.

29. I've only been in what I'd consider a single "real" fight, which was when I was in fifth grade.  A guy who was getting me in trouble finally upset me to the point of anger, and I "called him out".  Yup... 3:10, at the bike rack.  ;)  Lots of people came and formed a ring around us, just like in the movies... and I waited for the punk to make his first move.  When he rushed in, I let the blow glance off my shoulder and immediately tackled him to the ground... sitting on his stomach and hitting him until I broke his nose and caused him to cry desperately.  He was about my size, so I'd say I did well... and I took off when I saw the school's senior administrative staff coming towards us.  When I got home, I learned that I had been suspended.  The guy never messed with me again, and him and I became good friends afterwards... so I guess violence was the answer in that particular case.  It was still one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

30. I once wrote a love poem to a very sweet friend that I thought I was in love with during high school.  Her name was Sabrina, and she was in a poetry class with me... though she would graduate a year before me.  I showed the poem to her, unable to bring myself to let her know that I wrote it for her.  She hugged me very tightly, and to this day I wonder if she ever knew I wrote it while thinking about her.  At the end of the year, both her and I were the only two students to each publish a poem anonymously in the anthology made by the class... which I prepared.  I published that very poem, so that she would take a copy home with her.  Every poem I've ever written has been inspired by either love or disdain.

31. I didn't lose my virginity until I was nearly 23.  I had many offers before even turning 18, but I felt that I should only give myself fully to someone I truly loved.  That didn't happen.  I did manage to have pretty much every other basic form of sexual activity long before then, though... and I've had desires to be intimate with women as far back as I can remember anything at all, long before even understanding the basic concept of sexual intercourse.  I actually made out with girls in my class when I was four, one of my earliest memories, shortly after I learned to read.  Back then, I even read the newspaper.  I thank my late grandmother Rosemary, who I miss dearly, for teaching me so well by reading to me so very often.

32. I think that one or more people reading this will reconsider their friendship with me after reading this.  That makes me very sad.

33. I barely ever dream of people I know.  My current girlfriend is the first girl I've ever dreamed of more than once... and in fact, I've dreamed of her five times.  I can usually figure out why I dreamed of things after I wake up, by trying to find similarities between what happened in my dream and what happened the previous day.  I used to have nightmares often, but have stopped having dreams that scare me ever since I changed my life and stopped being afraid during my sophomore year of high school.  In my dreams, I am always the hero or person in control now.

34. I hope to start my own business one day.  I'd elaborate on the ideas I have, but I'd prefer to simply show you instead of tell you.

35. I'm a Democrat, simply because I dislike Republicans more... because I hate politics in general, due to the corruption that plagues it.  I voted for Kerry, as did most California voters.

36. I like pie.  I also like sex.  However, I do not like sex with pie.  Actually, I think there was a movie about that.

37. I have a horrible habit of stuffing huge quantities of small items into the pockets of my pants, which is especially annoying when I want to play Dance Dance Revolution... since I have to take everything out of my pockets each time I get on the stage, or else it all falls out when I play any of the more difficult songs.  I can generally pass a song called MAX 300 (on Single mode, Heavy difficulty) in that game, which is rated at 10 feet.  While it's not the most difficult song in the game, it's damn close to it.

38. My idea of a perfect day would be going out camping with a girl I love, cooking food and roasting marshmallows to make Smores, and then making love all evening and night long before falling asleep under the stars and a full moon... then waking up the next day, and taking a shower under a waterfall together with her.

39. Once, I got an e-mail from a girl who wanted to buy one of the coolest domain names I owned at the time.  I was bored and showing off to a friend sitting nearby, so I managed to get her exact physical address and phone number by simply using the information from her e-mail.  I also got her class schedule at MIT, found out what else she did at school and for fun, and even found pictures of her.  I did this in about fifteen minutes, despite that she had never posted her phone number or address... nor her class schedule.  My friend pressured me into calling her, so I did.  Her and I became friends after that, though I haven't called her in a long time.

40. I don't mind almost anyone (including total strangers) watching me have sex, though for some reason I don't particularly enjoy watching men having sex with anyone.  I guess that another man's penis is a turn-off for me.  Yes, I do enjoy watching two women.  I've been a part of two threesomes in the past, where both women got off rather loudly in both cases.  Only one of these two scenarios involved an ex-girlfriend, who was french kissed by another friend of mine who was interested in me.  When she went along with it, I decided to join in... which, as expected, was well-received.

41. I don't shave every day.  It's kind of a bad habit, but causes me to be mistaken for a girl less often.  Yes, I've been mistakenly referred to as female... though people almost always immediately correct themselves and apologize.  Yes, it's because of the hair.  Yes, it does sometimes bother me.  It's brought to my attention three or four times a year on average.

42. I've never lived anywhere but California, and the only time I wasn't living in the San Francisco Bay Area was when I was attending San Diego State University for a year.

43. If I had more money than I knew what to do with, I would give millions of dollars away to my friends and other people who needed it... setting them up with their own homes and cars, if they wished it.  I'd also allow my closest friends to live in a large house with me, also for free.  More importantly, however... I'd see if I could stabilize the economies of other small countries, and provide them with food and education.  That's always been my motivation to succeed financially in life, as opposed to spending the money on myself... which I'm sure I would do as well.

44. I've had sex in cars, a taxi, every part of a bathroom, way too many couches and beds, hotel rooms, hot tubs and pools in view of the public, backyards, the spot between the side of a house and the fence, a wall, the shadows made by bushes outside a convention right near a major roadway, a stairwell in San Francisco, five offices/rooms in two different jobs (one on camera, though I controlled that system anyhow), and many other places.  Naturally, I didn't have sex with different women in all of these locations... many were the same girl.  No, I've never been "caught"... and yes, I've had sex very near other people having sex.  I hope to someday make love out in the woods... and in a plane's bathroom, just because.  ;)

45. I'm writing this because I want people to feel that they have the ability to actually get to know me better simply by reading this journal.  This post is, and will remain, public.  In fact, all of my posts are public... and will continue to be.  I used to have one private post which contained my cellular phone number, but I finally made that one public as well.  My LiveJournal's public nature reflects my desire to not keep any secrets in my life, hence the reason you may ask me absolutely anything.  I'm not shy, and I don't feel embarrassed about my past... despite my mistakes, some of which I regret and all of which I've learned from.

46. I like romantic comedies.  I'm embarrassed to admit that for some reason.

47. I wear boxer shorts, not briefs.  Briefs are too constricting, and I find them to be rather... un-sexy.  My apologies to the men I know who do wear briefs.

48. I used to own some insane number of domain names.  I believe it was way more than 40.  I now own less than 15, I think.

49. I don't sleep as much as other people.  As an example, it's 3:00am and I'm still writing this.  Sometimes I go for days without sleep.  When I do this, I occasionally slur my words just a teeny bit... and my vision is slightly tinted white, as if there's a haze or fog over everything.  I also get sick a little more easily.

50. Any girl (and some guys) I get to know well in person eventually comments on how warm I always am.  I believe that it has something to do with my metabolism.

51. My mom had cancer, but it's in remission.  She went through chemotherapy, and lost all her hair... but it's all grown back, even more beautiful than before.  My grandmother (on my dad's side) died of cancer as well.

52. I'm an ex-smoker.  I consistently smoked Camel Wides and Clove cigarettes (yes, they really are like 20% cloves) for many years, and also smoked those yummy Bidis in college.  I've been 100% smoke free (not even a puff) for five months or so now.  I had a feeling my girlfriend wouldn't want me to smoke, so I decided to try quitting a third time... and it's the first time I've lasted two months.  Three months after I quit, I discovered that she's allergic to it... and I haven't even considered smoking ever again since.  I guess I just needed motivation to give those cancer sticks up.

53. I can swim laps underwater without coming up for air.  For some reason, I can hold my breath really well.

54. I'm very flexible from my six years of martial arts training in Kung Jung Mu Sul (a traditional Korean martial art, used by the royalty way back when), during which I eventually scored myself a second degree black belt.  I can still hold my hands straight out from my sides, jump up, and do the jumping splits (kick both of my hands with my feet simultaneously).  I can also break thick boards with jumping kicks, even if they're only held way above my head by only a few fingers.

55. I love going to clubs, and I'm sometimes the only guy who I see dancing.  I've also been the guy who gets everyone to get up and dance, by busting out all alone... on more than one occasion.  Being an attention whore and rather shameless has its advantages.

56. I have a very developed, potent tolerance for alcohol.  I developed it by drinking with co-workers in restaurants and bars ever since I turned 18, and drinking huge amounts of shots at parties... chasing them with beer when necessary.  I also got the nickname "The Beer Fairy", as I used to drop by my friend's house where I partied a lot... filling his fridge completely with beer.  I'm partial to unfiltered sake, drinking Jack Daniel's straight from the bottle, and good Vodka.  I'm also one of the happiest, most thoughtful inebriated people you'll ever meet... and am known for taking care of drunk people while pretty buzzed myself.  I once spent hundreds of dollars on alcohol for a party that lasted a night (it rocked, and we were dry in the morning), and have purchased alcohol while underage many times without even being asked to show my license.  To this day, I'm virtually never carded for anything... even in places which notoriously card people, such as Safeway supermarkets where I see much older people getting carded when they're in line right in front of me.

57. I fill up the phone book of every cellular phone I use for more than a month, manually.  No phone I've ever seen will have enough storage capacity to hold all the phone numbers and e-mail addresses I use.

58. I've worked at RadioShack, three corporate jobs, a cafe (as a barista), a baby store, a cabaret theater (as a waiter), and a summer school as a teacher's aide.  I also use to take care of younger kids (babysitter isn't quite the correct word) when I was in martial arts, and that was the job I liked most.  I still work part time at Starbase Arcade today, where I've been working for over three years.  You can spot me on their Webcam during my shifts.

59. I often don't bother taking off my clothes to sleep, and often don't get very undressed to have sex.  While I'm on the subject of sex (yes, again), I'm rather traditional... and don't really do anything that's considered "exotic" by most people.  My favorite position is having her on top of me, or the ever-friendly 69... and yes, that does mean I love going down on a woman.  I never once have hesitated to.  I've also never once asked a girl to go down on me, nor encouraged her to start doing so.  I've never been tied up for sexual purposes, nor tied anyone up... nor have I spanked, whipped, used a ball gag, whatever.  If my girlfriend asked me to do these things, I... I have no idea what I'd do.  I can't say I'm turned on by any of them, but I guess that I'd consider anything for her happiness.

60. My dad was what you'd call an ultra-marathon runner, and I believe he can still do most of what he used to.  By that, I mean he could run over 100 miles in a 24 hour period... and yes, I've seen him do it.  I used to train with him, and have above-average endurance (some have described it as exceptional) as a result of that and my martial arts training.  It comes in handy for all sorts of things... especially DDR, and the hot beef injection.

61. I got the phrase "hot beef injection" from my sister, in case you were wondering.  I don't know where she got it, but it always makes me smile to hear it or think about it.  If you can't figure out what that phrase means, you're probably too young to be reading this post.

62. Some things in my life are so beautiful to me that I don't even bother trying to put them into words, for words pale in comparison to my feelings.  One such example of this is when my girlfriend looks up at me while not saying anything, her eyes wide and bright... and I can tell that she's thinking about how much she loves me.  My heart feels like it's expanding when she does this... as if it will overflow and burst with love if she doesn't stop... and I stare back without speaking of the love I feel, enrapt by the empathy she exudes.  Words are superfluous in that moment.

63. I like to dress up as Irvine Kinneas from Final Fantasy VIII for anime conventions.  Even though the costume isn't as good as other people's, people still say "you make the best Irvine" (even though I disagree)... most likely due to my equivalent personality, and natural physical appearance.  My next costume will probably be Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII, Kingdom Hearts, and/or Advent Children.

64. I grew up using computers.  My grandmother's second husband owned a very early home computer that booted MS-DOS on 5 1/4 inch floppy disks... as it had no hard drive, 32KB of RAM, and 3 1/2 inch floppy disks hadn't been invented (or at least used) yet.  Shortly after messing around with his word processing program, I learned to hack the program... assigning keyboard shortcuts and customizing the menus, modifying DOS commands, and messing around in the configuration and executable files for the cute lil' text-based games I used to play on it.  I was around 6 years old at the time, and my grandfather was already giving me poetry to read... which I could generally understand.  I had to ask a lot of questions, though.

65. I generally consider myself a natural leader.  I tend to walk in front of most large groups, quite often suggest things to do and ways to do them, and organize groups of people.  I enjoy it, and feel no hesitation or doubt when I speak my mind.  I also have virtually no stage fright whatsoever... and only get at all nervous when I have had the opportunity to be more prepared to do something in front of people, but am still rehearsing before I go out on stage.  I would happily speak in front of millions of people at any time, on any subject I support, for any reason I consider worthwhile.

66. I am usually, if not always, the one person who actually takes action in a situation where one person is harassing one or more people.  If someone's being an asshole that I don't know, I usually call them on it.  If I see or hear a guy harassing a girl, I don't hesitate to do something... and put myself at risk, gladly.  I speak my mind to total strangers if I see them doing something stupid.  I also say, "Are you talking to me?" if I hear someone talking smack to no one in particular, and generally being an idiot.  I don't let people offend one or more people if they clearly have no reason to.  I've taken action most often during fights outside of bars, on buses, and on a BART train later in the evening/night.  Everyone else seems to ignore the problem, most likely out of fear of bringing attention to themselves.  It saddens me that people wouldn't stand together to protect others, but I understand that people feel scared as it is... and that they wouldn't risk their safety for a stranger.

67. I get migraines maybe once or twice a year on average, and they basically make me curl up in a ball and want to die.  They can last anywhere from a few hours to half the day, and I usually spend a lot of time in the shower if one strikes.  Nothing else really seems to help at all.  I don't feel like eating or drinking anything during these times.  I've only had one at work, which lasted for two hours right as I was getting ready to go home.  I was fortunate enough to simply curl up into a ball on the floor in extreme pain, and had some Advil nearby to take with the hope that it might help lessen or shorten the pain.  I doubt it helped with much of anything, but I did manage to pass out due to being so tired.  I woke up two hours later, a bit groggy but only feeling an acceptable amount of pain... and walked home rubbing my temples and eyelids, eager to inhale the steam from a hot shower.  I inherited this from my dad, who had much worse sinuses than I did which resulted in even worse migraines than I get, which he got more frequently as well.  He eventually had a scary-sounding sinus operation to fix this, which made his migraines much more tolerable and much less frequent.

68. I rarely eat breakfast, for some reason.  It probably has something to do with the way I plan my mornings.  I generally seem to not have the time or the desire to eat something before noon, though I'm perpetually hungry.  In fact, I only seem to not feel hungry right after a big meal, and that "full" feeling only lasts for about an hour.

69. I consider myself highly skilled at customizing, tweaking, and fixing Windows NT/2000/XP.  I used to be equally skilled at messing with the Mac OS, but that has changed since OS X was released... which I've barely used.  Back in the day, I used to use ResEdit on System 6 and 7 on my home and school computers to make them work the way I wanted to.  I'm also pretty good with Microsoft Office products and Photoshop 6/7/CS.  I also know my way around Linux/FreeBSD systems, though in no way do I consider myself skilled.  I know a bit about routing and networking in general, as well... and can crimp a homemade Category 5/6 cable.  I'm such a dork.

70. For the first time in my life, I can see myself raising children... because I think my girlfriend would make an amazing mother.  While that's a very distant future plan, my point is simply that I'd love to have a kid (or possibly more) someday.

71. Like the huge, vast majority of men (and people, for that matter) on the planet... I masturbate.  If I'm dating, I think about my girlfriend.  If I'm single, occasionally I look at hentai... or I simply think of a girl I think is interested in me.  I do not own any pornography, except for some free stuff I was given at Yaoi-Con 2003... and am entirely too fond of saying, "I don't buy porn, I make porn." when people ask if I own any.  If you're wondering if I make any form of movies (or take pictures) from anyone's sexual experiences, including my own... the answer is no, nor do I plan to.  Memories of making love are more than enough for me.

72. I don't use the Neopets Web site, but for some reason I collected a bunch of 'em.  I think the cat-like Aishas and Kougras are really quite adorable.  I don't sleep with them, in case you were wondering.  *grin*  I did sleep with a big black Kougra plushie I was given as a gift for a while, though... and a cheetah as well.  They always remind me of the people who gave them to me, who I care about very much.

73. My mom once got me a really gorgeous Rockhopper bike as a birthday gift, back around the time I was in middle school.  I think it was like $250.00 to $300.00 or so.  It got stolen less than a month later while I was in class and it was locked up, out of the fenced off enclosed bike rack right near our school... and naturally, the police really didn't give a rat's ass.  I've always hated bike thieves more than most people do since then.

74. I can quite easily eat a lot of food.  This becomes most apparent when I go to buffets with friends, or when people make way too much food... but it still disappears down my throat anyway.  If you need a guy for a contest in which someone needs to eat more food than someone else, I'm your man.  I just keep eating... and earned the nickname "Trash Compactor" for it once.  I also earned the nickname "Samurai" due to my long hair and sword collection that I brought to San Diego State University when I was there.  I sort'a did whatever I wanted down there after becoming intimate with the second floor resident advisor, Leslie... who had a thing for me at one point.  I learned the advantages of becoming close with a sexual education teacher from her.  ;)

75. I struggle every day to resist acting like the older people I know.  While I do my best to be responsible, I also resist the "atrophy" that I see in older people's spontenaity as they fall into daily habits.  I try to stay active, put myself in new situations during my free time, remain outspoken, and say "yes" to invitations from others.  I don't want to grow up... and despite the inevitability of it, I constantly fight against that feeling with all I've got.  I feel that I won't like myself if I give in... that I won't be the person I am now, the person I can look at in the mirror and smile at... the person my girlfriend fell in love with.

76. Every day, I wear a ring I found at Anime Expo in Los Angeles a year and a half ago.  It's shaped like a claw, made of .925 silver according to its stamp, and has a picture of a wolf howling at the moon on the side of it.  I constantly show it to people who ask about it.  There's a short story behind it, actually.  I was walking along one afternoon at the convention, and I hear the sound of a metal object hitting the ground.  I look down, finding this ring at my feet.  After briefly checking it out, I immediately held it up and announced, "Did anyone lose this ring?"  As no one immediately claimed it or showed interest, I repeated myself louder... then quite literally ran over to the two groups of people who had been closest to me when I heard the noise, and got them to look at it.  No one claimed it... and I've worn it ever since.  Many people tell me that it was meant for me, and I feel it just might bring me a little luck.  Who knows.  :)

77. I was out hiking with my grandmother's second husband and my sister once, and we were off somewhere in this nearby canyon where there were tons of trees.  Being the careless boy I was, I went wandering around... and discovered this huge hornet's nest, and froze when I saw it.  As soon as they started to get louder, I bolted.  My grandfather swung his outer shirt around in circles to try and keep the bees farther away as we all ran for our lives, but I think everyone got stung except me somehow!  Go figure.  I felt really bad about it.  I don't really remember much else about that.  I did get stung like 20 times on a Boy Scout trip once, though... which I didn't cause this time... and I rolled around in mud to get them off me and dull the pain, which worked a bit.  My poor cousin got stung over 10 more times than I did, but I think he was the one who disturbed their nest somehow.  Yes, I was a Boy Scout... though I sucked at getting many Merit Badges.  *grin*

78. I've never been as vulnerable in my entire life as I am at this moment in time.  Right now, I feel that all of my happiness is hinging on one person... that my fate rests in her soft, warm hands... warmed by the magnificent radiance of her gentle heart.  She holds every part of me, every energy reserve, every wish, every whisper... everything I have to give.  If she wished to crush me or hurt me, she could... like no one else in my life ever has.  However, I believe that she would never do such a thing... that she could not.  All I fear is losing her, for I do not believe my heart could bear the loss.

79. I eat a lot of chicken, and adore soy milk... avoiding cow milk whenever possible.  Rice milk is good, too.  I also drink an enormous quantity of orange juice at times, too.  I really like sour and spicy stuff, and have been known to snack on both fresh, raw lemons and jalapeño peppers.  I can also pop an entire ball of fresh Wasabi in my mouth, chew it up slowly, and swallow it all without flinching.  That usually results in some minor discomfort in my stomach a bit later on, though.

80. After my wallet was stolen on a MUNI bus in San Francisco while I was hanging out with Katie (fireflytrance), I purchased a wallet from Hot Topic with Stewie (the baby from Family Guy) on it.  It also has a chain, which should keep it from happening again.  For those of you who carry your social security card in your wallet, I suggest you refrain from doing so.  If you don't understand why, please leave a comment on this post asking me.  Despite my wallet being stolen, Katie's kindness and generosity made it an awesome day for me.  It was a memorable day for good reasons, not just bad ones.

81. I believe that people mature through pain and disappointment.  I also wish that I'm wrong about that.

82. I love cats more than almost anything in the world.  My mom's side of the family has had two cats... Mittens, and Ginger.  Mittens originally belonged to my stepfather's daughter, and was a gorgeous calico.  Ginger was a gorgeous golden tabby that was abandoned in our area.  After feeding her a number of times, she sort'a began getting used to staying indoors more and more... but still seemed to prefer being outside for years.  I miss them both... they both died of old age.  Neither of them were very friendly to me in general, as I didn't see them or take care of them much... but I loved them both dearly.  ;_;

83. I used to watch Thundercats, Snorks, Smurfs, Jem and the Holograms, G.I. Joe, Transformers, Captain N, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, Zelda, Denver: The Last Dinosaur, Silverhawks, and The Pirates of Dark Water cartoons when I was really young.  I bought a Thundercats wristband recently to show my respect for old-school cartoonage.  *grin*  I don't really remember the Silverhawks very well, though... and there was this panda or koala cartoon I had dreams about that I used to watch as well, where the cute lil' cartoon fluffy characters could make wishes.  Those awesome Zelda cartoons were my favorite, and I think about them a lot... even today.  I remember once being so upset that I had forgotten to watch the Zelda cartoon that I kicked my big toe into the drain of my grandmother's shower, and cut this absolutely enormous gash into it.  I guess it healed up nicely, as I don't see it now... but it was like this huge gaping wound at the time.  *lol*  Oops~!

84. I don't make New Year's Resolutions, because I know that I won't remember them or I'll break them.  Actually, it might simply have more to do with me not giving a damn.  ;)

85. If I had to pick a religious affiliation, I'd have to describe myself as agnostic.  That's correct... I'm not sure if there's a God, or some other onmipotent entity.  I'd like to believe that there is, but all of my life experiences have encouraged me to believe there isn't.

86. I have a really small wart on my right index finger, and one on the bottom of my right foot as well.  Few people seem to notice, fewer still seem to care.  I've had them both for many years, and they've looked the same for years.

87. I can't cook, practically.  What I do cook, such as pasta and rice... um, I can cook just fine.  The more complicated it is, though... the more inept I am at cooking it.  I can follow a recipe, but I for some reason seem totally unable to think for myself when it comes to anything from substitutions to slightly adjusting quantities of ingredients.  I've been learning quite a bit from my roommate John (l33tsysadmin), though.

88. I have a younger sister.  Her name is Maritza.  She's 23, and absolutely beautiful.  She's actually in one of my LiveJournal icons, too.  Also... after my dad remarried, he had four more kids with his new wife Louanne.  They're all beautiful, all boys, and all totally cool.  The oldest one who is only nine years old, John-Sebastian, can actually pose a threat to me in a game of chess.  I'm so proud of him.  :)

89. I think that I might be addicted to curry, like ijafe.  I think about it constantly, my mouth waters whenever I do, and I have to walk past my favorite restaurants that serve it reluctantly... always wanting to stop there and get more curry dishes.  I always get the spiciest curry any place sells, nearly without exception.  Japanese and Indian curries are my favorite.  :)

90. I've never done a single hard drug, at least to my knowledge.  The only exception might be weed (marijuana), which I don't in any way consider something that should be illegal.  Alcohol is a much more deadly drug, but it's quite legal in the USA if you're 21.  I think that makes absolutely no sense.  Anyhow, I smoked a great deal of weed while I was in my Freshman year at San Diego State University.  I haven't taken a single hit, puff, or anything else of weed for years... despite that I'm in the room with a number of people (mostly family) who are all smoking except for me.  I have no problem with it, as I used to do it... but it's not something that interests me any more.  It never did me any harm.

91. I can make a U shape with my tongue, but can't cause it to twist like some people can.  I also can nearly touch the tip of my tongue to the tip of my nose, but not quite.

92. I have a freakish appetite.  I go to Claim Jumper, order a main course, eat it all, then order one of their massive desserts... and eat it all as well, along with part of the other person's meal.  I do the same at Max's Cafe, and other places that serve you equally enormous portions of dinner entrees and dessert.  I serve myself seconds and often thirds when my mom cooks, without fail.

93. You can usually find me wearing a green 1up wristband on my left wrist.  I learned of the existence of this wristband from Sophie (soygirl), who always has cooler clothes and stuff than me.  She has an exquisite sense of taste, actually.  :)  Lately, I also wear a scarf and a thick leather jacket due to the colder weather.  The jacket was a gift from my mom.  During the summer, I tend to simply wear jeans and a t-shirt.

94. I don't seriously believe that anything happens to us after we die.  As much as I'd like to believe it, I think this is it... this is your life, nothing more and nothing less.  I believe that the only way that we live on is through the memories of others... the effect that our life has on theirs.  As a result, I try to affect others in a way that I believe will either make them smile, educate them, and/or somehow improve their life.  Unfortunately, there's something of a problem with that... as I'm definitely anything but perfect, and I won't always know or do what's best for others.  However, I do try... and I also make my intentions known as often as possible.  What I can say for myself is that I'm happy... and that living in this way works for me.

95. I want to make love in the rain, under the open sky in the middle of a field, one day... with someone I've just proposed marriage to.  I believe that would be just about the sexiest thing in the world.

96. I know that I'm alive when I laugh, and when I cry.  No two things could possibly make a person more sure that they know happiness, in seeing how sad they can be... or know sadness, having been so happy that they could feel such pain.

97. I expect to be hurt every day of my life.  I expect someone to say something rude to me, a friend to not call me back, not to hear from someone yet again, someone to bail on plans, or someone I trust to somehow betray that trust.  That's why I'm always so happy all of the time... because I have a pretty remarkable set of friends, who often don't let me down.  I see or hear about other people's friends do so quite often.

98. I'm a hopeless romantic.  When I think of dating, I think of candlelight dinners and holding hands during movies... kissing in the back alley of a coffee shop under the moonlit sky, and writing poetry during my free time at work.  I believe that true love is devotion, even unrequited... and holding on to the belief that you'll always do what's best for the person you love, even if it's not what's best for the both of you.

99. When I was at my most geeky in high school, I played a MUD named Necromium.  For whatever reason, people are still playing on it after ten years.  For those of you who are less geekish, a MUD is a Multi User Dungeon... or in English, a text-based role-playing game on the Internet.  Don't worry if you're curious about more details, you aren't missing anything.  *grin*  Just go play World of Warcraft.

100. Given enough time, I could easily do 100 more of these... and make them just as interesting.  A lot has happened to me throughout my life... and though a lot of it was bad, I have every reason to be very happy about my life to date.  I feel like one of the most lucky people in this world, to have felt as happy as I have recently... and to have loved as deeply as I do right now, despite it hurting me like nothing else ever has in my entire life.

Way Out West - Anything But You

Anything but you
Just won't do
I could carry on forever
Until I find the truth
Anything but you
Just won't do
I could carry on forever

And when my heart stands still for a reason
I'm in love with you

And my heart stands still for a reason
There's nothing that I cannot do
And my breathing follows you
In my mind, my actions too
And in everything I do
And my heart stands still
And my heart stands still for you

Anything but you
Just won't do
I could carry on forever
Until I find the truth

Anything but you
Just won't do
I could carry on forever

To dream
In a worn out world
In a plastic world is to win

To dream
In a sold out world
In a broken world is to begin

To dream
In a worn out world
In a plastic world is to win

To dream
In a sold out world
In a broken world is to begin

To dream
In a worn out world
In a plastic world is to win

To dream
In a sold out world
In a broken world is to begin

To dream
In a worn out world
In a plastic world is to win

To dream
In a sold out world
In a broken world is to begin

Anything but you
Just won't do
I could carry on forever
Until I find the truth

Anything but you
Just won't do
I could carry on forever

Anything but you
Just won't do
I could carry on forever
Until I find the truth

Anything but you
Just won't do
I could carry on forever

So... as this is already my longest LiveJournal post evAr, I'll wrap this up with two words... Merry and Christmas.  I'd also like to take a minute to wish my very special friend Chandra (spooky_chan) a happy birthday today.  May all of you have a very happy holiday season.  I'll try to write you all again before the year's out.  As always, it means a great deal to me that some of you have taken the time to read all of this.  To quote the poetry that Sarah McLachlan writes as lyrics, "your words keep me alive..."

One more thing... my friend Fonzi (white_rose_oni) is throwing a party in about a week!  Click here for details.  The entry is currently locked, but I've asked him to unlock it.  If he doesn't, bug him for me.  He asked me to post this for him.  Oh, and Lindsay is still looking for a digital inker to assist her with the second Peach Fuzz.  Please help her out by checking out the link, and reposting this link in your journal if you have talented artist friends.  It would really mean a lot to me.  :)

- Chris (cK1)
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