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As usual, I've got a plethora of things to discuss... and only one LiveJournal entry I want to discuss them all in.  I'll start with some good news, though.  As many of you already know, the Appleseed movie is on its way to theaters next month.  I was recently contacted by a kind gentleman from Soulkool... a New York-based company that created the official Appleseed Web site, and also does publicity work for Appleseed and possibly other state-side anime releases through Geneon Animation.  The sites they do are amazing.  I'm not aware of how I was discovered online, though I suspect it was through LiveJournal... but I was quite flattered to be contacted by a representative from Soulkool, at any rate.  After talking to him on the phone, we agreed that I would do promotional work in San Francisco for the movie launch.  So... if you see Appleseed flyers and general branding throughout Japantown, the Metreon, San Francisco State University (especially at AnimeFX), and many other centralized locations throughout San Francisco and Daly City... well, odds are that they had something to do with me.  I'll be busy next month.  :)

Since I want to do a really good job of helping to promote the movie, and this has been way too long overdue anyway... our next LiveJournal party will almost definitely be to go Appleseed upon it's North America theatrical launch.  This seems like a good time of the year to do it... some people are on break from school, and there isn't too much going on at this time of the year except for post-Christmas sales.  We might need to buy tickets in advance, and we may not be able to do Karaoke afterwards if the movie's showing too late at night... but one way or another, we'll figure it out.  As always, I'll try to organize something DDR-related... and bring us some food and drink.  Additional details on the party will be posted as they're determined, behind an LJ-cut for those of you who live too far away to possibly attend.

On a much more personal note, I've been going through an especially difficult emotional time lately.  To make a long story short, I've been close to crying a little when people ask me when my girlfriend will be coming out here to live with me... because I honestly don't know.  I don't even know how she's been doing lately.  While some people are being really supportive, and just keep encouraging me to hang in there and be strong for the both of us... I also get a lot of advice that falls contrary to that, and it's beginning to take its toll on me.  I'm a patient person.  I waited months for the most basic of things in this relationship, time and again... but now I'm at the finish line, and I feel like the line's moving away from me as I approach it.  I've offered everything of myself, every moment of my time and everything I've got... but nothing appears to be enough.  Right now, it's really just a matter of how much longer I can hold on to the memories her and I have made... memories that were better than any moment in any part of my entire life.  Knowing what it feels like to be so happy, then being denied it for months... it's nearly too much for me to bare.

All of you have been wonderful people to me, with the exception of some of you who have (rightly so) challenged me about this situation.  There's nothing easy about not being able to answer basic questions about a girl I speak of as my current exclusive relationship.  What I do know, because I feel it in every inch of every part of my body, is that her and I are completely in love with eachother.  What I don't know is if she'll have to choose me over her career, and thus give up her dreams... or if she'll have to choose her career over me, and break both of our hearts.  It shouldn't be this way, and I'm working to help give us both a better option... but in the meanwhile, I feel so adrift and alone.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but one night I quite literally curled up into a ball on my couch... shuddering with fear and undirected rage at why things couldn't simply be normal and okay, after all the work I'd done to make my relationship perfect and enduring.  I've never been so afraid of anything in my entire life as I was of my relationship crumbling, and the thought of losing her.  That was quite definitely the worst night of my entire life.  Good things have come of this... I quit smoking, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm making choices that benefit my future.  Bad things have come of it, too... I've hurt a number of women who were very close to me, simply because I speak of my love for someone they've never seen and heard little of.  I feel censored... withdrawn.  I can feel my spontaneity slipping away, and can feel that I have no choice... it's the way it has to be.  I can't keep doing stupid little things that might prevent my future from going smoothly... and thus I spend more time being generally more bored, and thinking about a girl that I love... but haven't seen in so long.

I'm going to need the help of my friends to get through this.  I can't do this alone any more... it's tearing at my heart, grating it away like little strips of perfect memories.  I can't pretend that nothing's wrong in company, yet break down in solitude.  Something needs to give... something needs to work.  I've bent as far as I can go... and I fear that if I don't hold firm any longer, I'll break in two, and be worthless to everyone.  I can't stand crying as I write of this any more, as I am now.  There's so much love bottled up in my heart... and I feel as if someone hammered a cork in so tightly that I'll have to be broken to let it out again.  Amazingly... if I had ever imagined such pain coming from this relationship, I still would do it all over again just this way.

I can't imagine a life without her... not any more.  I've had a taste of what my life could be, and I give my word that I will never go back again if I have a choice left in my heart... and breath left in my body.  It hurts me to smile, and torments me to cry.  My love hasn't got much time left.

I guess I'll finish off this post with 100 true things that you might not know about me... and more song lyrics that she'll know I wrote for her.Collapse )

So... as this is already my longest LiveJournal post evAr, I'll wrap this up with two words... Merry and Christmas.  I'd also like to take a minute to wish my very special friend Chandra (spooky_chan) a happy birthday today.  May all of you have a very happy holiday season.  I'll try to write you all again before the year's out.  As always, it means a great deal to me that some of you have taken the time to read all of this.  To quote the poetry that Sarah McLachlan writes as lyrics, "your words keep me alive..."

One more thing... my friend Fonzi (white_rose_oni) is throwing a party in about a week!  Click here for details.  The entry is currently locked, but I've asked him to unlock it.  If he doesn't, bug him for me.  He asked me to post this for him.  Oh, and Lindsay is still looking for a digital inker to assist her with the second Peach Fuzz.  Please help her out by checking out the link, and reposting this link in your journal if you have talented artist friends.  It would really mean a lot to me.  :)

- Chris (cK1)

Comments

( 86 comments — Leave a comment )
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staplerx
Dec. 26th, 2004 03:42 am (UTC)
Man, I knew that quote would come back some day. XD

16. I imagine that must've been a workout, felt sore after that? @_@
19. Wow, its like you're some kind of prodigy. O_O And you designed the BART website. Badass.
33. Never. You'll always be my friend, in fact this post convinces me even more that there will never be a reason for me to ever end our friendship.
34. Ah, then we share a dream, maybe we'll even be partners some day, hahaha.
52. Good for you, it takes a lot of willpower to give something like smoking up.
64. More proof that you're some kind of prodigy, that's just amazing.
65. Indeed you are, if you, me, and a bunch of other friends were ever in some sort of bind, I wouldn't be able to think of anyone more fit than you to lead us.
Lucky Number 69. See 19 and 64.
74. Wow, I never knew you collected swords.
76. So that's how you got that ring, very cool. There must be some kind of meaning behind this then. ^_^ Who knows, maybe you're a Power Ranger or something.
89. Curry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I gotta give you my scans of Addicted To Curry, awesome series with some recipes to try out.
93. I actually somehow have the 1up frisbee that's supposed to go with that wristband, remind me to give it back to you one of these days. ^_^

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting so bad. =( No matter what happens, you'll always have your friends right here by your side. If you ever need an ear to listen to you, don't hesitate to call, if I can hear my phone, I'll be on it faster than a fly on poo-on-a-stick.

And I'm a few hours late, but what the hell, Happy Christmahanakwanzaka and a Happy New Year.
the_sweet
Dec. 26th, 2004 04:04 am (UTC)
I can tell you where it all began
It began with Jimbo surprising me by telling me that you had a hand (either a big one or a small one, I'm still a bit lost on that ^_~) in designing the Bart site! Wow, that's amazing. I found out it was on this list of 100 (really 98) true facts, and in the end...

*hugs!* Really, I always liked to consider us friends, but the truth was, I never knew much about you. Now I know a bit more, and it's made me laugh, kind of made me tear up, and made me cheer. I'm totally 100% glad to be associated with such a cool, personable guy such as yourself! We have many differences of opinion and taste, but you're so much fun to hang around-- a true joy, and definitely non-replicable (there are no CK1 clones in Northridge! Waugh)!

I know I just saw you at the JTAF Season's Screenings, but I do hope I get the opportunity to see you again (hey, bonfire thingy on Jan 2nd, post LJ-party thingy? Wanna come?) soon. And we can actually like, hold a conversation! That would be tres cool.

:) I'm... zonked. Good night.
staplerx
Dec. 26th, 2004 10:53 pm (UTC)
Re: I can tell you where it all began
Correction, Project 760 presents Season's Screenings, not JTAF.
Re: I can tell you where it all began - the_sweet - Dec. 27th, 2004 01:29 am (UTC) - Expand
bekkypk
Dec. 26th, 2004 04:23 am (UTC)
Many, many hugs. Though i'll have to save the 100 things to read later as my eyes hate the pc screen O_o;;
xx
anjelchan
Dec. 26th, 2004 12:48 pm (UTC)
I read it all and didn't once think about defriending you.

And about your love, if she is your dream and makes you happy and you love her, grab onto that with both hands and don't let go. But, don't sacrifice all of yourself either, because it's you she fell in love with. If you sacrifice yourself, that person she fell in love with isn't there anymore. And it would make your friends sad who love you just as you are. Well, that's just my uninformed opinion, anyway.
simplycynical
Dec. 26th, 2004 02:12 pm (UTC)
I still heart you. I'm hopefully going to be done with college stuff soon and therefore free to maybe come to your lj partay. Keep writing.

~Asya
chibiendy
Dec. 26th, 2004 02:35 pm (UTC)
100 True Things About Me

1. "Fantasy Gaming Club" - mmm still funny =)

4. I didn't know you finally got contacts! Good for you

10. Why does the traffic ticket arrest not surprise me? :)

14. Whore =) Tru nuff, then again, anyone who's in the bishi auction is automatically qualified as an attention whore.

15. I need to buy princess bride. I was trying to rent it the other day but they only had one copy! wtf.

18. Doesn't mean they won't be ignored later though... but I'd probably do the same thing. It's hard sometimes. Just trying to be equally frank back to ya.

22. I'll still believe the "new safe driver" thing when i see it. =D

23. Ouch. We do some stupid shit for popularity in High School.

26. You and I both. Shiki is hot. Maybe it's just that he's so effeminate.

32. Dude, if anyone is reading this shit the entire way through, they're far, far too serious of a friend to bail cuz of what's in here. Or they're just really bored. Or they're both, like me.

33. Usually to dream about my GF I need to spend a lot of time with them. Like with me and Kat, we've finally been together enough that she's often with me in my dreams. At very least, she "exists" in the dream reality, even if she's not present. So I guess I'm surprised you didn't dream about Shannon but otherwise that's pretty normal. =)

34. Web Design? I still think you should maybe get back into that. There's decent openings out there, and you're very qualified.

40. LOL... I don't mind having sex publicly... but for me/us the idea is to NOT get found out. =) Otherwise I wouldn't like that.

41. Four times a year my ass. We used to give you shit about that 4 times a WEEK, Ms. Kraynik.

43. If you do get billions, buy me a 350Z please :) God I love that car.

45. This is probably the most significant comment from me. I think it's wonderful what you're doing here. Moreover, it's brave. It takes some guts to say some of these things, a lot are things I would typically try to hide. So props. Even though I typically hate giving people props. It takes a lot to get me to do it. =)

(subnote WOOT back over $300 on poker... crap nm lost a big hand. Fux.)

46. I like romantic comedies too. It's very unmasculine though, so I feel the same way.

47. Noone likes briefs.

(subnote FUCK four 6s and no one calls me. asshats.)

55. LOL.. I don't have the confidence to motivate people like that in general. But at anime cons I *love* doing that... just grabbing people and making them start dancing. It's great.

62. You just said the whole comment about beauty to make up for the hot beef injection comments, didn't you?

70. Work with kids. You will postpone you child-raising plans for another decade at least. =)

71. NO WAY YOU MASTURBATE?!?!?!?!!?!?

83. To this day, when I hear the "dun-dun-dun" in the SMB theme, I can't help but go "Just-Like-That"

86. I'd get those removed. They're contagious and spread by physical contact.

100. Jeez, I could never write this many. =)
sariasedai
Dec. 26th, 2004 09:00 pm (UTC)
*Sparkly hugs*
Whew, that took me two nights to absorb! Thank you though, it was very interesting. I'm currently writing interesting things about me, but I'm doing it 5 at a time, out of respect for my friends who have ADD!

You're a doll, and one of the greatest men on the planet. I hope that you can come to a resolution with your relationship. You feel like you're hanging above shark-infested waters, waiting for someone to cut the string. Please try not to get hurt.

There is no shame in crying. Hell, I bawled today while watching "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition"! I know that is small peaches to what you are going through, but believe me, I've been there. It hurts like hell.

I'm going to be blunt, and it's mainly because of my current relationship angst, it's merely a statement, don't take it for the Gospel as written by Sara. Don't give all of your love and your entire life to someone who is unwilling to love you back.

To quote a great man, Greg Behrendt, "Don't waste the pretty."

I love you, my far away friend.
sariasedai
Dec. 26th, 2004 09:06 pm (UTC)
Re: *Sparkly hugs*
Grrrr.... stupid LiveJournal! It said that the page couldn't be found the first time, so I retyped this for nothing.

Sorry, buddy. Can you delete one please? Even though I LOVE repeating myself :P!
Re: *Sparkly hugs* - tidus - Dec. 26th, 2004 09:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: *Sparkly hugs* - sariasedai - Dec. 26th, 2004 11:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
bakura83
Dec. 26th, 2004 09:54 pm (UTC)
Hey Chris. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year ^_^. Take care of yourself and rock on!
kitalita
Dec. 27th, 2004 12:23 am (UTC)
Merry Christmas Chris!
I'm sorry about your situation, I truly am but if you both love one another then nothing is impossible, but then again thats just what I think. I hope and wish you the best of luck with everything and will pray that all goes well for you. Until then hang in there and think on the bright side of things, at least you have someone who loves you right?
don't ever let that go
::hugs::
lipstickcat
Dec. 27th, 2004 02:07 am (UTC)
I've been debating whether I have anything that I can say that can help you in anyway, and even now I doubt that I have. But at least I've waited until morning so I can be coherent for you...

Its a scary thing to have to choose between a career and love. Once upon a time it may have been easier, but these days there's a lot of pressure on women to be successful, and I'm sure that Lindsey is doing something that she loves, which makes it a choice between two loves.

I chose to throw away my degree for love, I chose between marriage and working in Rome. But what I wanted to tell you is that despite everything, I wouldn't change that choice for anything. No regrets. But that was me, and this is her choice. I know that its hard to feel helpless, but you have to give her as much support as you can. All you can do is hang on and trust that she will make the best decision for her to be happy, and that it will mean that you both can be happy together. I would hope that there's a way for her to have both her career and you.

I'm sure you have far better friends to talk to than me, but you're always welcome to email me if you need to get things out. Ask several of my flist: I'm good for venting ^_^ And although you know I'm not so good at talking on the phone, I can always phone if you want to talk.

-Kerry
x
wyvren_song
Dec. 27th, 2004 07:25 am (UTC)
**hugglez**
First of all, I want to start off by saying, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to call you for Christmas. **glomps** Merry Christmas, Chris. :) I hope you got to spend lots of time with your wonderful family!

Second of all, it hurts me a lot to see you writing about so much pain and suffering. I told you....if you needed to talk to someone, for anything, just to be sad, be happy, just so you aren't alone for a few minutes....CALL ME!!!! I still care about you a lot, and I only wish the best for you. And you KNOW that if there's anything I can do at all to help you out, I will.

Chris, please don't lose hope, ok? Even if it looks bad....even if for a while, things turn out bad....don't lose hope. You are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever met in my entire life, and you were always there and did so much for me. Please, let me return the favor by just being there. Things will turn out for the best in the end, a hard lesson I had to learn.

HEHE, if it makes you keel any better, it's cold as hell out here, and I've been freezing my ass off. :P But if Jian and I hit it off still come June, I'll be toasty-warm in southern China by the beach!!!! *^_^*

**Huggles you tight** Chris, I do miss you and wish everything works out ok. Please don't be a stranger......
~Shanny
ijafe
Dec. 27th, 2004 07:57 am (UTC)
Hey man, sucks you have to deal with all that shit, but that's life. Remember, it's how you deal with all of these problems and overcome them that make you a man. You happen to be a very strong guy, and I for one know that you can handle anything. All it takes is a little courage, of which you have a lot. No worries bro. You still have your friends. On that note, I would love it if you came to my birthday party on Sunday 2 January. There will be wine, hard liquor and French chickies. How can you say no to that? I think it will be a very good change of atmosphere. Also that night, we will be migrating to the jazz club after a day of drinking. Please attend....no wait. YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUIRED!!! I will NOT take no for an answer. Feel better bro...

~guillaume
sariasedai
Dec. 28th, 2004 10:52 am (UTC)
^__^
*squeezes Stewie*

*runs*

(Sorry, I just had to! XD)
Re: ^__^ - ijafe - Dec. 28th, 2004 11:49 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - sariasedai - Dec. 28th, 2004 02:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - ijafe - Dec. 28th, 2004 03:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - sariasedai - Dec. 28th, 2004 03:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - ijafe - Dec. 29th, 2004 03:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - sariasedai - Dec. 29th, 2004 05:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - tidus - Dec. 29th, 2004 06:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - sariasedai - Dec. 29th, 2004 07:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - tidus - Dec. 29th, 2004 08:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: ^__^ - sariasedai - Dec. 29th, 2004 08:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
ijafe
Dec. 28th, 2004 11:48 am (UTC)
Squeezing Me
When the world is mine, I shall make your death painless.
ayodele
Dec. 29th, 2004 10:43 pm (UTC)
#14? I could post a picture of you from, say, a bishounen auction to longhairnudemen.

(men naked from the waist up count).

you'd get attention.

promise.

*smirk*
bambezzled
Jan. 1st, 2005 03:20 pm (UTC)
Woo I read all of it and it was really interesting!

Haha where'd you get that 1up wristband, I saw someone wearing it once and since then I have been intent on getting one myself. <3 it! =D
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( 86 comments — Leave a comment )