Sunday night was the first time I really had the chance to talk to my roommate since returning from Anime Overdose. It was a fun convention, but I'll get to that soon. Anyhow... my roommate is moving to Los Angeles, and I was expecting to be able to stay in the apartment. As the place I live is officially a one bedroom, there's only supposed to be one person living there... officially. However, apparently it wasn't a problem for me to stay there as well... since I was never put on the lease, a detail my roommate was kind enough to avoid mentioning to me.
Anyhow, I discovered that night that he was unable to sublet the apartment to me when he moved out... but also is transferring the lease to his brother, who has never even lived there. When I asked him why he wasn't transferring the lease to me, he sort of made up an excuse on the spot... trying to claim that it wasn't okay for me to be put on the lease, but it was just fine to add his brother. It's rare that I meet someone who lies as poorly as he does. He could barely even make up an explanation for why he wasn't able to transfer the lease to me, trying to confuse me with claims that there was some policy that he didn't understand... and eventually just changing the subject.
I politely watched the movie he was watching for a while, he eventually tried to say something else, and eventually I started silently crying in the darkness where he couldn't see me. I then said goodnight very calmly, walked slowly to my room, and took some Advil for the headache I had... which had gotten about three times worse since he had started talking to me. I lied down on my bed, let some more tears out, and waited for the Advil to kick in so that I could sleep. It's been many, many years since I cried. I almost cried in early September, when I felt especially lonely for some reason... but I never actually felt any tears run down my cheeks. Sunday night, I cried for a good five minutes... in complete silence. Maybe it was because of the headache... and maybe not.
My mom visited me earlier tonight. I would up explaining that very few things hurt me, but one of them is when a friend betrays me. When I first moved in with Newcomb (my current DJ roommate), I trusted him. When he told me about the lease, I continued to trust him. When he told me that he was moving to Los Angeles in less than a month, and wanted to sublet the apartment... I realized that I was an idiot. He was using me from the beginning. He rented out a $500 room to me, in an apartment that is only about $850 a month with free utilities, so that he could choose not to work... and then when he got bored, he could save gobs of money for his move to LA... a move he never told me he was planning until it would be apparent that he was moving out.
*sigh* Enough of how much my life sucks, though. I had a really great time at Anime Overdose... and once again felt like some sort of strange celebrity because I was dressed up as Irvine Kinneas from Final Fantasy VIII. I ran into ton of friends, danced my heart out for a while, and ran around with large quantities of Final Fantasy cosplayers... most of whom I already knew. I was happy until the end, when I felt ignored for a while... but it passed. I felt a lot better on my way home, when I sat and talked with some truly wonderful friends... and felt very much like I belonged, and that I was welcome. I'd talk about all the wonderful people I met, but this post would be another 5 pages if I did... and it's already too long as it is.
LiveJournal Party - February 13 and 14, 2004
The party was smaller than usual, but cool. We met up at the Metreon, though I seemed to be the only person there when the party started... and gradually, people showed up. We had a pretty good group going, bought some movie tickets, and then I started a somewhat disorganized contest. The game was LiveJournal trivia... and the prize was a guest spot in my journal, and the chance to boss me around for the rest of the party. Jimbo (staplerx) won, but never took me up on either part of the prize. Ah well, it was still fun. We watched Big Fish, if I remember correctly... and I really enjoyed it. :)
After the movie, we headed to Karaoke... where Claudine (crpsaiyan) proceeded to get on people's nerves for the third consecutive LJ party she attended. She even posted a rant about me and a couple of other people in her journal. My response to her rant is simple. She treated Meredith very rudely, yelled at everyone to shut up during Karaoke so that she could sing the song she had chosen at Karaoke alone, and then ran off when we were trying to get everyone in Cassie's car... despite that she used to beg Vince to be crammed into his car, despite how unsafe it might be.
I could write a paragraph about how she hung up on me instead of talking about what happened, how many of my friends she has pissed off, and tons of other stuff... but it appears that all of you already seem to know that she's been like this for years, as you shared your stories with me about how she treated you in the past. I must admit that I felt lucky that she swore that she was through attending my LiveJournal parties, as I had been planning to ask her to not attend any others... as per many of your requests. She did me a favor, and I didn't even have to ask. I just wish that we could have remained friends, as she seems to be in short supply of them... but that's to be expected. Ah well, it's for the best.
Cassie, there's a new rule for my parties... don't bring any alcohol with you in public. I don't care if it's Jello, I don't care if it's watered down beer, just keep it in your car. You're also not allowed to show up if you're drunk, or get drunk and then join us, or be on any medication that messes you up if you plan to join us. The same goes for everyone, as that's a set of common sense rules. You can drink in private places with me, such as my apartment... that's not illegal, and I can keep an eye on you and be responsible for you if you're under 21. I know the law, and that is allowed for.
I think that it's safe to say that we all had a good time once we got to my apartment... except maybe Cassie, who was thoroughly wasted and went to sleep in my roommate's loft bed. I wasn't very happy about that... but I covered for it. The Vodka Jello shots were quite a nice touch then, though... so I thank you for that one, Cassie. Some other friends of mine showed up to join us there, too. Eventually, we all crashed out... and the people who stayed joined me to return to San Francisco the next day. That was where we parted, though I wound up at the Metreon with most of you later that night anyway. Thank you all for coming!
The next LiveJournal party will be announced when I'm sure of my schedule, and that I can afford to take the time to host it once more. I'll be making this next party a Saturday only party, except that I may have a group of people over to the apartment... depending on where I'm living when the next party happens. I'll be cross posting about it in multiple communities, so this should be the largest party ever. I may even try to get a public place reserved for us, if I can afford it and figure out how. It will be well organized this time. Wish me luck! :)
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If any of you know where I can find a new place to live, please let me know. I'm hoping to live in downtown San Rafael or a more central part of San Francisco, but I realize that may not be possible any more. It's not like I'll be out on the streets or anything, but... well, this is a very difficult time for me. The person I want to talk to most in this world hasn't contacted me in any form in five days, I have no idea where I'm going to live, or if I can even afford to move somewhere else... and things aren't looking any brighter in the future, especially as of late. If I didn't have so many friends (and family members) supporting me emotionally right now, I'd probably go nuts.
For those of you who have already been here for me, you have my thanks... and my deepest gratitude. For those of you who I've lost touch with, this is why I haven't been calling you on the one day a week I don't have 8+ hours of work... and I hope that you can accept my sincere apologies for it. For those of you I don't know yet, please... do feel free to introduce yourself and say hello. I'd like to learn more about you. Oh, and for those of you who are simply here because I host and link to MP3 files on my Web server... stop lurking, create a free LiveJournal, and leave me a comment from your new user name some time. :)
I don't know if I'm going to get through this without giving up a lot. I hope that you guys won't forget about me, or give up on me... because I have a feeling that I'm going to need your help. Oh... and even though I may be going through one of the most difficult times in my life, I'd like to remind you all of one thing... I am still here for you, as I always will be. I may not have a lot to give right now, but I swear... all of it is yours, you need only ask. My friends... I love you all, and I miss most of you dearly. I'm sorry that I'm being so emotional, but all I've felt is intensity lately. I can't feel any less intensely than I do... and lately, I've felt either extremely happy or extremely sad.
It's difficult to talk about this, but I think it helps me to admit this... and I've never wanted to hide anything from anyone in the first place. Your advice, comments, criticism, and feedback are all welcome... as they always will be. Thank you all for reading my useless writing.
- Chris (cK1)