December 25th, 2004


"Man, if you pack food like you pack fudge..."  - Jimbo (staplerx)

As usual, I've got a plethora of things to discuss... and only one LiveJournal entry I want to discuss them all in.  I'll start with some good news, though.  As many of you already know, the Appleseed movie is on its way to theaters next month.  I was recently contacted by a kind gentleman from Soulkool... a New York-based company that created the official Appleseed Web site, and also does publicity work for Appleseed and possibly other state-side anime releases through Geneon Animation.  The sites they do are amazing.  I'm not aware of how I was discovered online, though I suspect it was through LiveJournal... but I was quite flattered to be contacted by a representative from Soulkool, at any rate.  After talking to him on the phone, we agreed that I would do promotional work in San Francisco for the movie launch.  So... if you see Appleseed flyers and general branding throughout Japantown, the Metreon, San Francisco State University (especially at AnimeFX), and many other centralized locations throughout San Francisco and Daly City... well, odds are that they had something to do with me.  I'll be busy next month.  :)

Since I want to do a really good job of helping to promote the movie, and this has been way too long overdue anyway... our next LiveJournal party will almost definitely be to go Appleseed upon it's North America theatrical launch.  This seems like a good time of the year to do it... some people are on break from school, and there isn't too much going on at this time of the year except for post-Christmas sales.  We might need to buy tickets in advance, and we may not be able to do Karaoke afterwards if the movie's showing too late at night... but one way or another, we'll figure it out.  As always, I'll try to organize something DDR-related... and bring us some food and drink.  Additional details on the party will be posted as they're determined, behind an LJ-cut for those of you who live too far away to possibly attend.

On a much more personal note, I've been going through an especially difficult emotional time lately.  To make a long story short, I've been close to crying a little when people ask me when my girlfriend will be coming out here to live with me... because I honestly don't know.  I don't even know how she's been doing lately.  While some people are being really supportive, and just keep encouraging me to hang in there and be strong for the both of us... I also get a lot of advice that falls contrary to that, and it's beginning to take its toll on me.  I'm a patient person.  I waited months for the most basic of things in this relationship, time and again... but now I'm at the finish line, and I feel like the line's moving away from me as I approach it.  I've offered everything of myself, every moment of my time and everything I've got... but nothing appears to be enough.  Right now, it's really just a matter of how much longer I can hold on to the memories her and I have made... memories that were better than any moment in any part of my entire life.  Knowing what it feels like to be so happy, then being denied it for months... it's nearly too much for me to bare.

All of you have been wonderful people to me, with the exception of some of you who have (rightly so) challenged me about this situation.  There's nothing easy about not being able to answer basic questions about a girl I speak of as my current exclusive relationship.  What I do know, because I feel it in every inch of every part of my body, is that her and I are completely in love with eachother.  What I don't know is if she'll have to choose me over her career, and thus give up her dreams... or if she'll have to choose her career over me, and break both of our hearts.  It shouldn't be this way, and I'm working to help give us both a better option... but in the meanwhile, I feel so adrift and alone.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but one night I quite literally curled up into a ball on my couch... shuddering with fear and undirected rage at why things couldn't simply be normal and okay, after all the work I'd done to make my relationship perfect and enduring.  I've never been so afraid of anything in my entire life as I was of my relationship crumbling, and the thought of losing her.  That was quite definitely the worst night of my entire life.  Good things have come of this... I quit smoking, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm making choices that benefit my future.  Bad things have come of it, too... I've hurt a number of women who were very close to me, simply because I speak of my love for someone they've never seen and heard little of.  I feel censored... withdrawn.  I can feel my spontaneity slipping away, and can feel that I have no choice... it's the way it has to be.  I can't keep doing stupid little things that might prevent my future from going smoothly... and thus I spend more time being generally more bored, and thinking about a girl that I love... but haven't seen in so long.

I'm going to need the help of my friends to get through this.  I can't do this alone any more... it's tearing at my heart, grating it away like little strips of perfect memories.  I can't pretend that nothing's wrong in company, yet break down in solitude.  Something needs to give... something needs to work.  I've bent as far as I can go... and I fear that if I don't hold firm any longer, I'll break in two, and be worthless to everyone.  I can't stand crying as I write of this any more, as I am now.  There's so much love bottled up in my heart... and I feel as if someone hammered a cork in so tightly that I'll have to be broken to let it out again.  Amazingly... if I had ever imagined such pain coming from this relationship, I still would do it all over again just this way.

I can't imagine a life without her... not any more.  I've had a taste of what my life could be, and I give my word that I will never go back again if I have a choice left in my heart... and breath left in my body.  It hurts me to smile, and torments me to cry.  My love hasn't got much time left.

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So... as this is already my longest LiveJournal post evAr, I'll wrap this up with two words... Merry and Christmas.  I'd also like to take a minute to wish my very special friend Chandra (spooky_chan) a happy birthday today.  May all of you have a very happy holiday season.  I'll try to write you all again before the year's out.  As always, it means a great deal to me that some of you have taken the time to read all of this.  To quote the poetry that Sarah McLachlan writes as lyrics, "your words keep me alive..."

One more thing... my friend Fonzi (white_rose_oni) is throwing a party in about a week!  Click here for details.  The entry is currently locked, but I've asked him to unlock it.  If he doesn't, bug him for me.  He asked me to post this for him.  Oh, and Lindsay is still looking for a digital inker to assist her with the second Peach Fuzz.  Please help her out by checking out the link, and reposting this link in your journal if you have talented artist friends.  It would really mean a lot to me.  :)

- Chris (cK1)