March 9th, 2004

DDR MAX logo for the US PlayStation 2

It's been... what, nearly a month?

A lot has happened... some things good, many things bad.  I guess I'll start with today, and work my way backwards.  I'm sitting here with John (l33tsysadmin) and Jordan (nominalsoul) right now.  In the lovely world of Dance Dance Revolution Extreme, I finally managed to pass AM-3P on the Trick Oni course... and my jaw dropped as I finally witnessed Max 300 at 1/4 speed, for the first time in person.  Jordan had never even seen me beat Ecstasy on that course, so he was duly impressed.  I died in like 15 seconds on MAX 300, laughing at how insane it was.  I swear, I am never going to pass that song.  Anyhow... moving backwards in time, I had a pretty decent day at work.  One of my customers was so happy with me that she walked blocks away to a See's Candies store, bought me chocolates, and brought them all the way back to the store for me.  I could hardly believe it.  She then walked out again in a hurry, before I could properly thank her.  What a sweetheart!  :)

Sunday night was the first time I really had the chance to talk to my roommate since returning from Anime Overdose.  It was a fun convention, but I'll get to that soon.  Anyhow... my roommate is moving to Los Angeles, and I was expecting to be able to stay in the apartment.  As the place I live is officially a one bedroom, there's only supposed to be one person living there... officially.  However, apparently it wasn't a problem for me to stay there as well... since I was never put on the lease, a detail my roommate was kind enough to avoid mentioning to me.

Anyhow, I discovered that night that he was unable to sublet the apartment to me when he moved out... but also is transferring the lease to his brother, who has never even lived there.  When I asked him why he wasn't transferring the lease to me, he sort of made up an excuse on the spot... trying to claim that it wasn't okay for me to be put on the lease, but it was just fine to add his brother.  It's rare that I meet someone who lies as poorly as he does.  He could barely even make up an explanation for why he wasn't able to transfer the lease to me, trying to confuse me with claims that there was some policy that he didn't understand... and eventually just changing the subject.

I politely watched the movie he was watching for a while, he eventually tried to say something else, and eventually I started silently crying in the darkness where he couldn't see me.  I then said goodnight very calmly, walked slowly to my room, and took some Advil for the headache I had... which had gotten about three times worse since he had started talking to me.  I lied down on my bed, let some more tears out, and waited for the Advil to kick in so that I could sleep.  It's been many, many years since I cried.  I almost cried in early September, when I felt especially lonely for some reason... but I never actually felt any tears run down my cheeks.  Sunday night, I cried for a good five minutes... in complete silence.  Maybe it was because of the headache... and maybe not.

My mom visited me earlier tonight.  I would up explaining that very few things hurt me, but one of them is when a friend betrays me.  When I first moved in with Newcomb (my current DJ roommate), I trusted him.  When he told me about the lease, I continued to trust him.  When he told me that he was moving to Los Angeles in less than a month, and wanted to sublet the apartment... I realized that I was an idiot.  He was using me from the beginning.  He rented out a $500 room to me, in an apartment that is only about $850 a month with free utilities, so that he could choose not to work... and then when he got bored, he could save gobs of money for his move to LA... a move he never told me he was planning until it would be apparent that he was moving out.

*sigh*  Enough of how much my life sucks, though.  I had a really great time at Anime Overdose... and once again felt like some sort of strange celebrity because I was dressed up as Irvine Kinneas from Final Fantasy VIII.  I ran into ton of friends, danced my heart out for a while, and ran around with large quantities of Final Fantasy cosplayers... most of whom I already knew.  I was happy until the end, when I felt ignored for a while... but it passed.  I felt a lot better on my way home, when I sat and talked with some truly wonderful friends... and felt very much like I belonged, and that I was welcome.  I'd talk about all the wonderful people I met, but this post would be another 5 pages if I did... and it's already too long as it is.

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If any of you know where I can find a new place to live, please let me know.  I'm hoping to live in downtown San Rafael or a more central part of San Francisco, but I realize that may not be possible any more.  It's not like I'll be out on the streets or anything, but... well, this is a very difficult time for me.  The person I want to talk to most in this world hasn't contacted me in any form in five days, I have no idea where I'm going to live, or if I can even afford to move somewhere else... and things aren't looking any brighter in the future, especially as of late.  If I didn't have so many friends (and family members) supporting me emotionally right now, I'd probably go nuts.

For those of you who have already been here for me, you have my thanks... and my deepest gratitude.  For those of you who I've lost touch with, this is why I haven't been calling you on the one day a week I don't have 8+ hours of work... and I hope that you can accept my sincere apologies for it.  For those of you I don't know yet, please... do feel free to introduce yourself and say hello.  I'd like to learn more about you.  Oh, and for those of you who are simply here because I host and link to MP3 files on my Web server... stop lurking, create a free LiveJournal, and leave me a comment from your new user name some time.  :)

I don't know if I'm going to get through this without giving up a lot.  I hope that you guys won't forget about me, or give up on me... because I have a feeling that I'm going to need your help.  Oh... and even though I may be going through one of the most difficult times in my life, I'd like to remind you all of one thing... I am still here for you, as I always will be.  I may not have a lot to give right now, but I swear... all of it is yours, you need only ask.  My friends... I love you all, and I miss most of you dearly.  I'm sorry that I'm being so emotional, but all I've felt is intensity lately.  I can't feel any less intensely than I do... and lately, I've felt either extremely happy or extremely sad.

It's difficult to talk about this, but I think it helps me to admit this... and I've never wanted to hide anything from anyone in the first place.  Your advice, comments, criticism, and feedback are all welcome... as they always will be.  Thank you all for reading my useless writing.

- Chris (cK1)