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This LiveJournal entry is dedicated to people who aren't really my friends, but have pretended to be.  People who read this may be offended by parts of this post, but I'm writing this because I've held it in too long... out of fear that I might offend people, or because I'm afraid it might cause some sort of fighting amongst my friends.  However, I realized something recently... that my silence actually isn't doing anyone any favors.  The truth still exists, revealing itself in much more painful ways over time.  In many cases, I probably would have protected some people's feelings by stating what I know... so I'm sick of keeping quiet any longer.  It's time to do what I have to, and be bluntly open about how I feel in my own damn journal.  I apologize to those of you who will be negatively affected due to the ripple effect of this post, and I understand that I will likely lose friends over this.  Feel free to post anything you want in response to this post... be open and honest about how you feel about what I've written, if you wish to share what's on your mind.

Nick: You owe a number of my friends both an explanation and an apology for what you've done.  I can't believe that you had the nerve to literally sleep your way through an entire group of my friends... and if I had any idea what you had been up to, I never would have let you get with yet another girl during your first and only visit to my apartment.  I don't have a problem with you being promiscuous or anything, but I do have a problem with your tendency to plan your next sexual conquest with a friend of the person you're sleeping with... while you're still sleeping with them.  Hell, you even got freaky with both a guy and a girl in the same house on the same day... then ignored their requests for an explanation, and even tried to redirect some or all of the blame to someone who had nothing to do with it all.  Your total lack of regard for these people's feelings is exemplified by the lies you feed them while you try to worm your way into their hearts, not caring that this could have broken apart a very closely knit group of friends... including the two you got with who live together.  Do you even care who you sleep with?

Casandra: I don't hate you or anything, but I do have a problem with being lied to over and over again... then discovering all those lies at virtually the same time.  It's also kind'a creepy to receive like 20 calls from someone in a single day... including four of them within three minutes of eachother.  You literally scrolled every other call I had received off my cell's Received Calls list that day... twice.  I discovered your comments in people's journals that you claimed to hate (and wanted to ignore), and heard the truth about how you interacted with some of my friends.  Then... after you contradicted yourself multiple times in the same day, I decided to stop letting you cry on my shoulder with every call you made.  I don't mind hearing about your problems, and trying to help you fix them... that's what friends do, and I would continue to be there for you if all of the rest of this hadn't happened.  That wasn't what drove me away from you.  (Then again, you never actually took more than a scrap of my advice anyway... you just nodded, smiled, and went back to the things you do that hurt yourself and others.)  After you creeped me out with tons of calls and obsessive voice mails, I decided that I had made the right choice that day... and set my phone to stop ringing when you called.  Every day that you call again (such as an hour ago), leaving me another obsessive voice mail, you prove yet again that I did the right thing... and a day hasn't gone by since, in around two weeks now.  Oh, and I'm not even going to bother fully exploring the topic of how many of my friends you've slept with... claiming to love or feel strongly for most of them.  For an ice queen, you sure do drip a lot of loving words in people's ears after you've claimed to conquer them sexually.  Hell, you even wrote and told me that you loved me (and you didn't exactly say it casually, as if regarding a friend)... then played it off, dismissing it later on.

Jen: I remember how excited I was when I was purchased at Yaoi-Con by such an attractive girl as yourself, who was actually within two years of my age... and actually seemed to have her shit together, too.  We kissed a lot, danced, and generally had a great time... but once everything was over, the only times I heard from you were when I did the calling.  At some point, I realized that the only reason you had any interest in me at all was because I was cosplaying as Irvine.  That still saddens me, especially since you used the excuse that you simply don't have the time to call me... yet when I'm with certain friends, you call them consistently.  Hell, you hang out with them quite a bit too.  I guess that I don't have enough issues to be your friend, or something.  I must be quite boring to you, trying to get to know you over the phone and such... instead of simply trying to get in your pants.  My bad.

Matt (bi_boy): *shakes his head*  I wonder just how far back I should go with you.  I gave you the benefit of the doubt at Yaoi-Con this year, because you seemed friendly enough... but drama just never ends with you.  I'm sick of reading all of your jealous responses to people's comments in other LiveJournal posts, such as the most recent one I've read... where you say things like "Identify yourself.", then play it off as if you were just role-playing or something.  It really creeps me out that you'll read this entry shortly after I post it, yet you're not on my friends list.  The way you stalk the journals of friends of mine that you've been intimate with is just about as creepy as it gets... especially when you almost immediately respond to comments that other people have left in their journals.  You have no claim on your ex-lovers or dates; you are not their owners or guardians.  They surely doesn't want or need you to fend off both men and women who make innocent comments (most often jokingly!) that suggest a possible level of slight intimacy with them.  Get a life, and stop creeping out people who are simply trying to be your friends.  Twisting a person's love for you into control is something that totally disgusts me.  Oh, and I won't even get in to the realism you projected in the image you created of you, me, and Jen that I posted a copy of in my last journal entry.  Just play it off, like you do regarding all the other jealous actions you've taken in the past.  Oh, and be thankful that I'm not publicly posting about your smooth performance (or lack thereof) at Yaoi-Con's afterparty.  You can stop worrying about your smoking; it sounds to me like you need to control your drinking instead.  You screw up the worst when you're drunk... and I never, ever want to console my friends again after you call them during your once a month depression episodes.

Sandra: I remember the day I met you, when I gave you a massage in the Artist's Alley and gradually tried to get to know you a little.  All I've ever done is tried to be nice to you, but you treated me like shit a number of times despite that... then randomly switched back to being nice the next time.  I'm not even going to get in to the secrets you can't possibly hope to keep about your past behavior, either... because you try to make a secret of things you do right smack in front of lots of people.  I finally gave up and got out of your presence on Saturday night at Yaoi-Con this year, when you started going off on everyone in the room... claiming that we were all insane.  Sadly, the only one being unethical was you... and you sure as hell know why.  It wasn't exactly the first time, either.  Take some responsibility for your feelings, actions, and the positions you put yourself in.  If you're an innocent victim, I'm the fucking pope.

Alyssa (emglyph): Don't worry, I'm not going to go off on you or anything.  I just think that you don't read my LiveJournal any more, and it appears that you never actually had any interest in going to any of my LiveJournal parties... as you once claimed to.  Please let me know if I'm mistaken.  I'll happily add you to my friends list once more, and we can keep in touch again.  You and your boyfriend will always be welcome at any LiveJournal gathering we have in the future, of course.

Camille (aizome): It's very rare that I meet someone as two-faced as you.  First, you clearly hit on me in zell_dincht's LiveJournal... then when I get flirty with you in your own journal, your friend attacks me... and you defend that friend instead.  To this day, you've never even expressed a single reason why... except your anger that I defended myself.  I did so rightly, as far as I'm concerned.  You then blocked me and deleted me from your friends list, and even went so far as to delete the comments you wrote when you were hitting on me... and every single comment I made in your journal as well.  Next time you flirt with someone, perhaps you can inform them that you've gone from wanting them to not wanting them... especially after you were the one who initiated things with me.  Covering your tracks by deleting your comments doesn't mean shit, though... as I can quote them verbatim from my e-mail, which I'll do so here regarding what you deleted from zell_dincht's LiveJournal.

The first comment you deleted...
"Ah! Finally, a picture to go with this ID. ^^

I apologize for being so terrible with names, and so SLOW, Chris.

If I'm right, you brought Eve and Randee to my keeping one night. *g* Yaoi-con, 2003?

If you were indeed that lovely bishounen who fixed my alarm clock in room 1969 of the Renaissance Parc 55 on the evening of Sunday, October 19, then you're the one I saw in that icon. *grin*

However, this icon I leave you with is merely the character I played at said con for two days, but you saw me most embarrassingly without the wig! ^^;;;;

*hug* Still drinking that uber-strong Smirnoff? ~.^"

...and the second comment...
"Oh god, you're making me blush. Stop it! XP Really funny you should say this, as I think I was at just about my very worst when you guys showed up that night. (lol) My hair needed to be washed so badly after being under that wig all day!

I'll keep that number, luv. ^^ And thank you for brightening up a very dull day for me! *hug*"

If anyone doesn't believe that she wrote that, feel free to ask zell_dincht... as those very same comments were sent to him by e-mail as well.  After all, it is his journal she wrote them in... and as I've said before, they were unsolicited.  I can't believe that you sent your friends to try and harass me like lackeys.  You could have avoided sparking over 100 LiveJournal comment flames by actually having even one shred of ACTUAL concern for anyone other than yourself, and simply contacted me yourself... but nope, you had to hide behind people because you were afraid to tell me how you really felt.  I'm just glad I got to see who you really are inside before I could get attached to you.

Ang (daysgoby): I can't believe that you attacked me unprovoked without even knowing me.  You devoted an entire post to bashing me, and then continued to post about me negatively... as if I could have possibly somehow deserved your blind rage.  Your obsession with harassing me is quite flattering, though!  Thank you for posting a picture of yourself for me to look at, by the way.  I'll be sure to keep an eye out for you next time I'm at Yaoi-Con.  It'll be interesting to see what you do when I walk up to you and discuss this whole thing with you in person, as you don't even appear to have the balls to ever address my comments directly online... choosing to screen them instead.  *lol*  I hope that you don't find yourself regretting your pathetic efforts to defend aizome when she bashed me... along with steel_basilisk's rude, ineffective attacks on me.  :)

Sorry that was so long, but it all needed to be said.  It's time for the fire to spread... and I just hope it remains contained in this single LiveJournal account.  If you feel that you've been unfairly represented in my journal, write a comment here or e-mail me.  If I agree, I'll post an apology in a subsequent post... but as far as I can discern from my view of the world, this is true information that people should know.  I don't want to post this, but I'd regret not posting it a whole lot more.

- Chris (cK1)

Edit at 4:15pm on Tuesday, December 16, 2003: I removed links to Nick, Jen, Cassie, and Sandra's journals.

Comments

nanaminako
Dec. 15th, 2003 07:33 pm (UTC)
never hurts to get your true feelings out of telling people what you think of them. you shouldnt let others walk all over you and make you feel shitty if you feel they are.
vok_reihe
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:53 pm (UTC)
Sorry nanaminako, but there are so many comments that this is the only way that i got it put in there.

Okay, Cassie may deserve to be on this list but I certainly don't.

For starters, I NEVER slept with Randee. Never. NEVER. NEVER! He may have wished it so but that's entirely beside the point.

Yeah, I did sleep with Omi and I admit that openly,
but I didn't disappear without explaination of any kind like Omi would like you to believe. I explained everything to her, and simply put, I told her that it just wasn't working out, and that's exactly what the case was, and I wasn't with Omi at the time, either. I broke up with Omi 2 weeks before I saw you again.

You're a good guy, Chris, and I like you.
But don't be so quick to make judgements about me and the kind of person I am, okay??

-Nikkumi

I'm not a freaking predator, and I'm not a bad person, you know that.
tidus
Dec. 15th, 2003 11:09 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure what to say...
I'll be honest with you, Nick... it wasn't easy to write about you after seeing how happy you made everyone you were around at my apartment.  However, I don't know you anywhere near as well as I know both Randee and Rosanna... and there's virtually no way that I could see them lying about this.  Oh, and to clarify... Randee never mentioned you two sleeping together.  That's why I used the term "messing around" instead.  I don't know with any certainty that you're not a bad person, but I swear that I want to believe you.  Everything I've been told up until now suggests otherwise, though... and I felt that I had to write this because of it.

If I have misjudged you, I am sorry.  In fact, I want to be sorry... because it would mean that you are the person I met, who I really liked.  Thank you for not hating me for what I've written, and not judging me as I've judged you.  I can't say that I would act with the same maturity that both you and Jennifer have shown me in the face of my scorn.  I guess that we should talk about this more... because really, I can't see how you didn't do what I've been told given the extremely short duration between your intimacy with Randee and the night you spent at my apartment.

We'll talk, and hopefully work this out.  In the meanwhile, I'll accept that I've assumed too much... and that blame is mine alone.  I hope that things are just worse looking to me than they actually are in reality.  You have something in common with Matt, by the way... your smile is infectious.  I can tell that Jennifer picks her friends that way now... she chooses to be surrounded with people who radiate pure happiness, more pure than I believe I am now capable of.  I'm too jaded for that now... it slipped away from me earlier this year.  Today, I realized just how badly I miss it.  Perhaps you can help me find it in my heart again, if all goes well with our friendship.

- Chris
vok_reihe
Dec. 16th, 2003 10:01 am (UTC)
Re: I'm not sure what to say...
I'd still very much like to be your friend, Chris.

Judge people by their actions towards you, not by heresay you pick up from others.

My 'intimacy with Randee' lasted about 24 hours, and that was about it-- honestly, that night when I split off from everyone and went up to the hotel room, I really wasn't expecting him to be there the next morning.

Around Randee and Omi I really wasn't myself, and consequently I'm probably never going to be able to be myself around them.

They saw all the most negative aspects of me and nothing else.

But around you and Jen I was verymuch free to be myself, and I was around my two closest friends, Evie and Kevin.

It's going to continue for quite some time, Randee and Omi don't show any signs of dropping things anytime soon,
and it's proving do be really worrisome cos it's upsetting a lot of the people around me.

Anyways, I'm rambling. aim me, aite, Chris?
By the way, in the future, if you've an issue with me, bring it to me directly, okay? thanks

sn: EVILTUNER

-Nikkumi
zell_dincht
Dec. 15th, 2003 11:15 pm (UTC)
Oh NOW you say you're not a bad person after you've told me A MILLION times that YOU ARE?

Fucking make up your mind, dude...
ukebondageboy
Dec. 16th, 2003 02:26 am (UTC)
For starters, I NEVER slept with Randee. Never. NEVER. NEVER! He may have wished it so but that's entirely beside the point.

Egotistical much? *cackles*

but I didn't disappear without explaination of any kind like Omi would like you to believe

Oh yes, I forgot. You were there at Denny's talking with us. ^_^ Huzzah for your mad telepathy skillz.

I never ONCE said anything like you disappearing without any explaination to anyone.

I broke up with Omi 2 weeks before I saw you again.

That's bullshit. It wasn't two weeks. MAN do you have to get yer shit straight. And you aren't the one that broke up with me. You kept saying "So get rid of me" because you were too chickenshit to do it yourself. I've got logs, boya.

You, sir, are the one who ran away from the problems instead of confronting them. You are the one that neglected to mention important aspects of your trip to your GIRLFRIEND. The one you called koi. YOU said it first, remember?

I'm not a freaking predator, and I'm not a bad person, you know that.

Despite the fact that you told Randee and I repeatedly that you were a horrible person, then told him on AIM that you were only a bad person when you wanted to be.

So which is it? Are you a horrible person, like you claim...or were you only being horrible to us?
vok_reihe
Dec. 16th, 2003 09:53 am (UTC)
I may be a bad person, but certainly not in the way you and Randee'd like to paint me as being.

So, I'll just leave it like this.
I was only horrible to the two of you.

I said Koi first, yeah.
BUT, you wanted things from me-- a level of attention that I just wasn't ready to give. I would've given it, given the time, but you really didn't have that kind of position in my list of priorities, and I wanted to have fun with Jen, cos she'd financed my going out there to begin with.

BUT, things did end that night, so sure, you broke up with me after I suggested it. It wasn't till 2 weeks later that I started seeing Stephanie, yo.

Jen said I ended things sloppily, and she's right, I did.
There were things I could've done better, yes, but oh well. Da past is da past.

I found the kind of person I'd always wanted to be with in Stephanie, and not you.
simple as that.

-Nikkumi
zell_dincht
Dec. 16th, 2003 10:29 am (UTC)
I found the kind of person I'd always wanted to be with in Stephanie, and not you. Simple as that.

There is no fucking way you're going to know that at 18. There just isn't. You know, it's interesting to see that you've NEVER, not even once, put blame to yourself, Nick.

You'll full of shit if you think Stephanie will stay with you now after all of this shit happened. Thanks to you, you just ruined a 1-year friendship between she and I. You may now take your bow and "attempt" to take her away from here.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 16th, 2003 04:28 pm (UTC)
I personally don't agree
at least with the age part -- I found the person I wanted to be with when I was 14.
deftronic
Dec. 16th, 2003 03:13 pm (UTC)
personally, i think you are a faggot. and not in the bi-sexual slander meaning of it.

first of all, you're white, attempting to be asian, speaking ebonics. if that fact alone didn't make you awkward enough, you're also fat. with four eyes. and probably a stench to match your already entertaining-in-an-omg-nasty looks.

second, you're fucking stupid.
simple as that.

you really think you have control of all this? think you can make things work with stephanie whether or not you've lied to, AND made general enemies with, some of her closest friends? i think not.

and i can't believe you think 2 weeks is a long time to wait in between relationships of any kind. the only other kinds of people that wait so little between relationships are pimps and players. so consider yourself marked as one or the other, but either way, you're still as bout as retarded looking as it gets.

do us all a favor (and i'm sure i'm not the only one being entertained by thoughts of this) and go kill yourself. mostly because that's about all you're good for.

questions? comments? great! i hope to hear your dimwitted argument before i leave work, as morons like you are the most fun to poke fun at.
tidus
Dec. 16th, 2003 05:52 pm (UTC)
Oh boy...
...this is what I was afraid of.  I should inform you of a few things real quick.  First, the icon Nick is using in his posts (the chubby guy with glasses) isn't him.  In fact, I have no idea who that person is... only that I've never seen that person before, and that wasn't the guy who spent the night at my apartment.  Nick is really quite thin... and to be honest, he's been really kind to me as well.  He simply fucked up, pretty badly.

Second, please don't write "faggot" in my LiveJournal.  Despite that I'm straight, I really don't like that word.  I do appreciate that you're supporting the things I've written in my post, and you truly are welcome to post here just like anyone else... but I just ask that you try to stick to talking about the mistakes Nick has made if you have to go off on him.  That's all.  I hope that I haven't upset you.

- Chris
Re: Oh boy... - deftronic - Dec. 17th, 2003 08:06 am (UTC) - Expand
(No Subject) - vok_reihe - Dec. 17th, 2003 02:41 am (UTC) - Expand
(No Subject) - deftronic - Dec. 17th, 2003 08:07 am (UTC) - Expand
(No Subject) - vok_reihe - Dec. 17th, 2003 05:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(No Subject) - jangmi - Jan. 14th, 2004 11:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
ankoku_jin
Dec. 16th, 2003 04:03 pm (UTC)
*ENOUGH!*
Everyone involved in this fiasco is guilty of one thing:

BAD JUDGEMENT.

Nick -- you showed extremely bad judgement in hopping from person to person within the same circle of friends in short order. That's never a good idea, no matter how one justifies it. If Stephanie is really "the one", you ought to have been able to cultivate that romance without immediately sleeping with her, thereby mitigating the repercussions to you, to her, and (indirectly) to me. You could have waited. I don't hate you for that, even though the ripple effect from that hurt me. I am merely disappointed in your lack of judgement. You should also know that, were I not your friend, I would not bother telling you this.

I showed bad judgement in allowing Nick to do much of what he did by loaning him money to come up here for an interview with my company. I wanted to help him out because he is my friend. Though I could never have imagined that things would turn out quite like this, I still blame myself for being the enabling factor. Without me, his broke ass would have been stuck in SoCal and the Stephanie issue might never have come up.

The others involved showed bad judgement by "messing around" with Nick in the first place. It's not like it was nonconsensual, people. You either knowingly got involved with him after he'd been with one or two of your (best?) friends, or after he'd already tried to make you get rid of him. I don't know about you, but I would not get myself involved with someone who has done either of those things. *shakes head* I am particularly unsettled by Stephanie's behavior, though this may simply be because the ripples from that hit me personally. Since I have never met her, it is not really my place to pass judgement on her actions. *shrug*

There is no resolving this. There is no justification. There is no way to repair what has been broken or to make it better. We can all only walk away from it and and get on with our lives. Enough. Pick yourself up off the floor and walk the fuck away.
Re: *ENOUGH!* - tidus - Dec. 16th, 2003 04:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
tidus
Dec. 16th, 2003 05:20 pm (UTC)
*hugs you*
Thank you, Sara.  I guess that my concern is that I felt people were walking all over my friends, mainly... and I finally had enough of it, and fired off rounds in every direction that I saw a target in.  I could have handled this much better, though... and I'm learning how as time goes on, thanks to the kind comments I've received.

By the way, I need a working phone number for you yet again.  Every time you give me a number to call you at, I either call and get no answer (nor a voice mail to leave a message at) or the phone number is disconnected.  That makes me a saaaaad panda.  Can you please e-mail me your phone number again, so I can call you?  I miss talking to you, and we have a lot to catch up on.  :)

- Chris
nanaminako
Dec. 16th, 2003 05:30 pm (UTC)
Re: *hugs you*
(818) 205 5081 my new cell phone.
tidus
Dec. 16th, 2003 05:53 pm (UTC)
Re: *hugs you*
I'll call you when I can... hopefully later tonight, if my pounding headache ever subsides.  *smiles weakly*  I really miss you a lot...

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