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This LiveJournal entry is dedicated to people who aren't really my friends, but have pretended to be.  People who read this may be offended by parts of this post, but I'm writing this because I've held it in too long... out of fear that I might offend people, or because I'm afraid it might cause some sort of fighting amongst my friends.  However, I realized something recently... that my silence actually isn't doing anyone any favors.  The truth still exists, revealing itself in much more painful ways over time.  In many cases, I probably would have protected some people's feelings by stating what I know... so I'm sick of keeping quiet any longer.  It's time to do what I have to, and be bluntly open about how I feel in my own damn journal.  I apologize to those of you who will be negatively affected due to the ripple effect of this post, and I understand that I will likely lose friends over this.  Feel free to post anything you want in response to this post... be open and honest about how you feel about what I've written, if you wish to share what's on your mind.

This would spam the hell out of your friends lists, so I'm using an LJ-cut...Collapse )

Sorry that was so long, but it all needed to be said.  It's time for the fire to spread... and I just hope it remains contained in this single LiveJournal account.  If you feel that you've been unfairly represented in my journal, write a comment here or e-mail me.  If I agree, I'll post an apology in a subsequent post... but as far as I can discern from my view of the world, this is true information that people should know.  I don't want to post this, but I'd regret not posting it a whole lot more.

- Chris (cK1)

Edit at 4:15pm on Tuesday, December 16, 2003: I removed links to Nick, Jen, Cassie, and Sandra's journals.


( 151 comments — Leave a comment )
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Dec. 15th, 2003 08:15 pm (UTC)
It surprises me how people could possibly be mad at you, or upset with you, let alone START shit with you. You're probably the most sweetest, caring people I've ever met, and I mean that. Some people are just so pathetic and mean sometimes.

*huggles* Venting is quite necessary when it's been so bottled up. It's obvious that this has been bothering you for quite a while, and I'm quite honored to be able to read a post showing your feelings.

Call me anytime if you want to chat...I'll always be there for you.
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:25 pm (UTC)
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:32 pm (UTC)
ahhh chris. you're on my friends list, and im on yours, yet, we never really got to know each other. i feel, especially after this post, that i would like to correct that. i commend you on your honesty and bravery in this post. i didnt read anything about the actual people in this post, just what you said before and after the actual stuff, and i cant help but feel the need to get to know you better. hopefully we can chat some more. my AIM SN is lostangelsetsuna .

i hope this post did for you what you were hoping it would. ^^
Dec. 16th, 2003 12:07 am (UTC)
My post opened up doors I never even knew of...
It's hard, isn't it?  We live within a relatively short drive from eachother, yet... I feel so separated from you, by my busy life and the obstacle we have to clear before we can begin to get to know eachother.  Thank you for making that effort... it means a lot, especially now when I need it the most.  This post has shown me that things aren't anywhere near as simple as I believe them to be... that people can still surprise me, and make me feel things I had forgotten.

Thank you, so very very much, for your words... but even more for your guidance.  I'll explain when we talk.  In the meanwhile, (415) 302-8869 is my cellular phone number.  You are welcome to call me any time, day or night... and hopefully I won't be too busy to answer when you do.  :)

- Chris
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:48 pm (UTC)
*hugs* You did the right thing, for yourself and for others.
Dec. 16th, 2003 12:02 am (UTC)
I'm so glad that Shannon is coming back to you very soon.  She will need you more than she ever has.  Oh, and another thing... I'm not entirely sure that I deserve your friendship.  I've made many mistakes, some more selfish than others... and I feel that you are a much better person than I can hope to be.  Thank you for a friendship that I believe myself unworthy to be a part of at times.

- Chris
Re: ... - ligaa - Dec. 16th, 2003 07:06 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:48 pm (UTC)
That took a lot of bravery to be so honest with people.

bi_boy is still being a drama queen? I thought he'd have grown out of it eventually. I defriended him about a year ago over his behavior, but that's old drama. I hope he pays attention to your words, because when he's acting sensibly, he's a pretty fun person.
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:23 pm (UTC)
I guess some things never change...
He wrote a comment in Randee's journal claiming to disagree with my opinions on both him and his girlfriend, yet was happy to agree with my opinions on the guy dating his ex-girlfriend.  Hmm.  As I know he'll read this comment, I have no need of telling him this directly.  Seriously, Matt reads fuckin' everything these days.  It's as if he uses some sort of third party software to track changes in Web pages or something, or simply has more free time than I ever have had.

I totally hear ya on him when he's calm, though... he has a really beautiful smile.  I find it surprising that I just said that, though... being that I'm straight!  I see why he is so loved... every emotion he conveys is pure and intense.  I just can't handle his jealousy, that's all... it appears to consume him at times, and it's hurt my friends on more than one occasion.

- Chris
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:49 pm (UTC)
ouchu! I think I am just going to not attempt to process the drama, and wish you luck with sorting out whatever's going on. God only knows one can never truly be drama-free ::le sigh::

Once finals are over imma give you a call if that's ok. (need your addy so i can stalk send happy notes to you :D)
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:51 pm (UTC)
Chris you are so badass

I would never have the guts to post that kind of stuff
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:00 pm (UTC)
What she said. Damn, Chris, nicely done.

That's an appropriate song when you're getting stuff like that off your chest, too, IMO.
True dat... - tidus - Dec. 15th, 2003 11:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: True dat... - captaincanada - Dec. 15th, 2003 11:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
*nods solemnly* - tidus - Dec. 15th, 2003 11:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:55 pm (UTC)
I respect you for doing so. It is your own journal and therefore you should be able to express yourself in whatever way you want. I've done similar things in my journal in the past and it's better to get it all out instead of regretting and letting the feeling stalk you.

I'll see you at michicon right?

Dec. 15th, 2003 11:41 pm (UTC)
Hell yeah...
Though I may not be on time for the start of MichiCon due to my annoying Sunday schedule at work, I will make an appearance... and as Irvine from Final Fantasy VIII, no less (sans the rifle though, probably).  Thank you for your encouraging words, which I need more than ever right now.  At this very moment, I am having trouble with being the person I thought I always was right this moment.  You are helping more than you realize.  :)

- Chris
Re: Hell yeah... - shin_san - Dec. 16th, 2003 12:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:12 pm (UTC)
*patpats Chris*


*hands shiny objects*
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:15 pm (UTC)
its sorta interesting... that only one person on your bad list has actually replied o_O. big time, as ali G would say, RESPEKKT!!! *don*
you got AIM? ask zell_dincht for it :) then we can actually chat OUTSIDE of a con haha ><;;
i cant say much of anything else since i am going to stay neutral (i have 2 friends on that list >.<) some people are ment to be friends, some not. i guess thats just how it goes.
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:32 pm (UTC)
Re: wow
That's RESTECP. =P
Re: wow - vulgar_toshiya - Dec. 15th, 2003 11:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:29 pm (UTC)
Chris, I admire you for the fact you decided to take a stand and allow people to know what was on your mind. I've read plenty bout you in Zell's entries [when you're not making entries yourself] and have witnessed some of the more-minor dramas a few users have caused.


I should comment more often.. <33 Lurf though.
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:03 pm (UTC)
You're the one who's always telling me to express my feelings. It's quite odd to be on the other side of the mirror for once.

There is absolutely no need to apologize for any of your feelings. Remember that.

I still have your number...but I have chickened out every time I've tried to call you. One, I'm a wimp, and two, you have so many friends that I feel insignificant. I have nothing interesting to talk about. There are no parties out here, just snowdrifts.
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:15 pm (UTC)
Perhaps you should have asked for MY point of view?

I thought you knew me better than to go and make assumptions like that. -_-;;;

So much for coming home in time for Christmas.

Dec. 15th, 2003 10:48 pm (UTC)
Re: *sighs*
I don't know what to say, except that I appear to have hurt you... and I'm sorry.  Regarding when you come home, I'm not sure that you really had much of an interest in seeing me these days anyhow... at least not any more, now that your status has changed (which I keep hearing from people).  As for asking for your point of view, that's a bit difficult when you're not even in the country.  *sigh*  Sorry, but LiveJournal comments and e-mail just don't cut it... you said so yourself the last time you wrote me a comment before this.

I'm not really sure about what you mean by "assumptions", as even Matt seems to agree with me on this (and I spoke ill of him in my post)... but perhaps he's just saying that because he's your ex.  Regardless, I hope that I see you soon.  Even if you have nothing more to say to me, I feel that I should apologize to your face now.  I would like to know what I'm apologizing for, though... as I'm not sure where I'm wrong on this, at least in any parts concerning you.  If there's something I can do to fix things in the meanwhile, please let me know.

- Chris
Re: *sighs* - zell_dincht - Dec. 16th, 2003 10:37 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: *sighs* - tehlorri - Dec. 17th, 2003 05:56 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: *sighs* - tidus - Dec. 17th, 2003 03:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: *sighs* - tehlorri - Dec. 17th, 2003 06:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:21 pm (UTC)
I apologize.... *bows*
...and now you know why I stay so determinedly away from other people. I don't deal very well with them. -_- 27 years of isolation do not a well-adjusted social animal make, I am afraid...

Sure, I initially approached you because you were cosplaying Irvine -- since I was cosplaying Squall, it seems logical we might have things in common. You do seem like a very nice and lovable person. I liked you, and I still do, but you came on really strong to me and it made me uncomfortable. I wanted to be your friend, but I felt that there would always be the underlying tension caused by one person being more heavily attracted than the other. I've been in just such a situation too many times, and it never seems to end well.

Why didn't I call you? When I don't know what to do about a situation, I will tend to push it from my mind. I know that's not a good habit, it's not the best coping mechanism, and I have unintentionally hurt a lot of people with it during my lifetime. All I can do is apologize, and try to make you understand that it was never my intention to hurt you.

One final thing.... I realize that you are hurt, but I do feel that the sling about "issues" was unwarranted. I apologize for my hurtful behavior; may I now request the same courtesy from you?

Thank you for reading, it is my hope that the walls I put up so readily haven't cost me yet another friendship. Take care of yourself, and especially of your heart.

Dec. 15th, 2003 10:38 pm (UTC)
Re: I apologize.... *bows*
You're right; I apologize sincerely and completely about throwing in the comment about "issues".  That wasn't your doing, it was mine.  I've been thinking a lot about what I wrote, and I'm afraid... because I've come to the conclusion that I wrote it partly out of jealousy.  Part of me is upset with Matt over the past, part of me is upset over you not calling me... but a part of me I'm not proud of is upset over something darker.  I'm upset that an 18 year old guy who has hurt my friends in the past wound up with a 27 year old girl who I could see myself giving my heart to.

I've become quite close to a number of women this year... yet I found almost no one that I could see with me in the distant future, until I met you.  That's all me, and you took the blame for that part of this in my post.  I am sorry, and I hope that means something to you.  From what I can tell regarding what you wrote, you do care... sincerely.

I can understand your concern over my stronger attraction to you.  I initially thought that things cut both ways, assuming this because you purchased me... but you're right, I did come on very strong.  I did so because of my concern that, with all the other guys at Yaoi-Con, you might not even notice my attraction to you.  Apparently you did.  Still, after you chose the other bishie... I was hoping for your friendship as a consolation.  That was what hurt... I didn't even get that, nor did I understand why.  I'm glad that you're so much more understanding than me.

I don't really know where to go from here.  I don't really expect you to start calling me now that I've hurt you like this, and things will be more awkward if I add you back to my friends list and start commenting on your journal as if this never happened... but the choice is yours.  I will try to make amends and be your friend if you wish it.  Again, you have my deepest apologies for the mistakes I made today.

- Chris
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:21 pm (UTC)
Although I don't know you that well, I must commend you for sticking by your convictions and coming out and saying all of that. That was very admirable of you. :)
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