Yes... today marks the two year anniversary of my last post on LiveJournal.  *sigh*  Oh yeah, I suck.  However, I was reminded by finally running in to Sean (azhp) yesterday in San Francisco of about how long it had been since I last posted... and the last time I threw a LiveJournal party.  So, I'm going to organize another one.  I had a grand plan for last summer to actually rent out a venue and charge nominally for admission, to celebrate LiveJournal's move to San Francisco... but of course that never happened.  Ah well, I may organize it eventually.  :)  Anyway, a lot has happened to me over the past two years... and while I won't be able to catch all of you up on it, I will try and explain part of my crappy rationale for not posting for so long.

Yes, it's about a girl.  A girl I was in love with, head over heels (even though that saying makes little sense) and blinded by the emotion... so much that I couldn't see her for who she really was, or recognize her faults along with the happiness she inspired within me.  I don't regret my devotion to her, nor would I do things any differently... but in some ways, she seriously broke me for a while.  Serious relationships didn't even seem possible for me again for quite some time, since it was such a rare thing for me to even consider wanting one in the first place.  Anyway, some of those feelings still linger... but I've begun to let them go (after two years, I'd better have... right?) and I guess this is generally how most people feel after getting hurt by someone who they believed loved them as much as they were loved... right?

So... mostly I just want to see how all of you are, remind me that I'm alive and well, and tell you that I miss you.  I'll find a way/excuse for us northern California locals to get together again, and see how many of the rest of you I can inspire to make a long drive or flight up here to hang with the rest of us.  :)

- Chris (cK1)

P.S.  I drive a Mazda 6 wagon now, by the way.  It doesn't look like a fast car, but I've abused its 230 horsepower to ditch sports cars on a regular basis.  I'll have to take a picture of the back of it for those of you who haven't seen the 69, too.  ;)

...even me, but I'm sure that most of you have seen it in my writing before.  Anyway, the point of this is that I've disappointed myself.  I'm not the worst person in the world, but I've totally dropped the ball on a number of friendships and such... and while apologies probably mean little to many of you, it's a start.  This post was triggered by one of my friends dropping me from his MySpace friends list in the last day or so.  I noticed immediately, as he was on my Top 8... and after writing him a message to ask why, I started to realize it for myself.  I'm a shitty friend, to a lot of people.  If I can't just call or text message you every once in a while to check in, I often don't make any further efforts beyond that... and for many more of you, I don't even get that far.  I'm okay at responding and replying, stuff like that... but I'm horrible at being proactive.  I'm even like this to my family... and it isn't that I don't care, it's that my mind is everywhere but where it should be.  I've spread myself too thin... and while I'm not just now recognizing that, I am now finally trying to do something about it.

These are just words... don't treat them as anything more.  If we haven't talked in a while, maybe it's my fault... maybe it's yours.  Maybe it's both of ours... but regardless, I'm going to try to hold myself accountable for the friendships I should care more about.  Oh, and while I'm at it... I'd like to be honest with all of you about what kind of person I really am right now, and let you re-evaluate your opinion of me.  I try to be a good person... and while many of you might generally find me to be one, many of you are also likely not to.  Pick your reason... I'm arrogant, an attention whore, and even known to some as untrustworthy because of how I flirt.  Some of you know all about me, and see me as I really am... and have accepted my flaws, yet still remain my friend.  That means the most to me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Unfortunately, some of you have simply judged me... and while that may not make me happy, you do have the right to choose your friends.  I just hope that you'll stop pretending, and drop me from your friends lists if you don't really like me.

Now's your chance.  I won't give you shit about it if you do... I'll just wish you well, and that will be that.  I don't think of you as just another name on a list, I promise you that... but if that's the way I treat you, then parting ways with me just might be the best for both of us.

I don't even know why I'm writing this any more.  I feel like I'm just venting about nothing because I currently feel a bit depressed.  My life isn't shit, either... I love my job and the company takes care of me, I've seen quite a bit of my closest friends lately, my family is healthy and safe (as am I), I like my living situation, and I feel loved.  It's as someone said about me once, though... I just can't stand being rejected, though it's actually only under specific circumstances that it really upsets me like this.  If I've treated someone well, I expect the same in return... but life isn't like that.  It fucking never is, for anyone... you don't give what you get, nor get what you give.  Accepting that is a sudden step in maturing.  The people you want to be with won't always want to be with you, and it doesn't matter what you do for them... you can't change that.  It only hurts to try... and it only hurts them more to give them the impression that their good deeds are moving them closer.  That's why we all struggle so... for approval we may never receive, for unavoidable heartache that we convince ourselves isn't coming.

I'm not really sure what else to write... but as I haven't really let many people know exactly what's going on with me, here's a recap of the past six months or something.  I'm living and working in Santa Clara, and I visit San Francisco quite frequently... despite that I still don't have a car, and public transit down here (VTA, Caltrain) sucks horribly compared to any other public transit I've ever used.  On the bright side, I'll be able to afford a car in no time thanks to this new job.  The new apartment is nice, and I'm planning to have a party down there at some point once the place is the way I want it.  I'll also be planning and funding another weekend LiveJournal party, though I've ultimately decided to keep them small and friendly (around 25 people, Metreon or Golden Gate Park... same as always) until I can afford to quite literally get a San Francisco permit and make it a national event.  It'll probably be a year before I can do this, but I do intend to throw a national LiveJournal party one day to celebrate the LiveJournal purchase by SixApart which caused them to move to San Francisco.

In other news, I still occasionally play Dance Dance Revolution and In the Groove.  I can pass some 11 difficulty songs now on Single mode (Charlene and Utopia on Expert), and I expect to pass Xuxa next.  I hear Robotix Expert is easy, too... so I'll also have to try that one.  Besides that, you should see me at Fanime this year (I live so near by that I have no excuse to miss it), though I'm not sure that I'm going to remain on staff due to work.  I may not be able to get enough time off to staff again, but I'll definitely at least go as an attendee.  I'll be requesting time off for Anime Expo as well, though that's a way off still.  Speaking of staffing anime conventions, I very recently resigned as the Deputy Chief Director of JTAF4 and Con Ops at Jrock Connection.  I will not be staffing any conventions in the future, except under very special circumstances... and it's simply because I no longer have the time.  I will miss having the chance to contribute, though I will try to find other ways to do so... perhaps as a sponsor, Web host, or something else.

There's other stuff going on in my life right now, including some drama that I'd much rather avoid amongst some people that I used to spend a fair amount of time with.  While there are obvious disagreements between us, I just want to take this time to apologize for my own varying and inconsistent shortcomings.  I'm patient at times, short at others.  Also... I suspect that I sometimes come across as ready to commit to a relationship, but I'm most certainly not ready.  This is also my own fault, and an apology is again only the first step towards making such things right.  As part of my atonement for this, I'm making an effort to be very clear with people... and instead of allowing some people to be led on, I'm cutting off intimate physical contact with anyone I'm not planning to be with in the future.  There will be no more broken hearts placed on my shoulders, whether it's someone else's fault or not.  I'm sick of that bullshit, and I will do whatever it takes to cut that fucked up drama completely out of my life.  Don't blame me if you see me as who you want me to be, or if you ignore my words.  I'm not leading anyone on in any way any more.

I will fix my life with your help, or without it.  I know it's not perfect, and I don't care to hear the words of anyone who hasn't listened (or heard) my words when I've spoken them first.  That's all for now... expect more phone posts from me in the future, to make up for the general lack of time I have to post with words.

- Chris (cK1)

Edit: I totally forgot to mention something important.  I believe that one of my friends who lives in San Francisco is still looking for work... but she needs something where she'd get paid "under the table" because she has a student visa, and legally isn't allowed to work or something.  If you know of any such jobs for a hard-working individual living in San Francisco, please let me know... I'll put you two in touch.

...is discovering that people you care about have been deceiving you.  It's one of the things in life that matures us almost instantly, and teaches us either to expect disappointment or be more guarded with our trust.  However, I refuse to change when it comes to trust by default... and that means that I will continue to expect to be hurt.  While I unfortunately have too many examples of this to put in this one post, I can definitely think of a few.  It hurts to find out when a "friend" writes something about you like, "...he tried to do his usual kinda trashy-creepy pickup..." or "...not to talk trash, but he's extremely self-righteous..." and talks shit about you at work, then invites you out to dinner later that week.  Not to talk trash, heh... but what an asshole.  It feels even worse when you've let said person back in to your trust, as well... and you suddenly realize (over the past month, for me) that the person never really changed at all... and only pretended to, while trying to get on the best terms possible with people who I have history with.  Deception like that is just plain devious.  What I'm most tired of is much simpler, though.  This person constantly accuses me of things which are in fact their own mistakes and faults... which is not only hypocritical, but also quite inaccurate once again.

It hurts, but sometimes I just go on pretending that I don't know what you're writing about me.  I don't want our friendship to be ruined by little things... but little things add up.  If you're reading this and you suddenly realize that it's at least partially about you, perhaps it's time to stop hurting me.  I know that many of you think that I won't find out about what you said, because it was written on a post that I can't see... or you wrote it off LiveJournal... or you wrote a post that only specific users can read.  However, this isn't the way the world works... and as more time goes by, most of it gets back to me simply due to the sheer number of people I know.  Unfortunately... the more people you know, the more likely it is that one will talk shit.  I've seen so many screenshots and saved Web pages that really, really hurt... and thanks to the friends who share them with me, I can move forward and focus on the people who are actually improving my life instead of slowly unraveling it.  It feels good to finally understand why someone that I've never met doesn't treat me well when I've treated them well, but I understand the lies that their opinions are based upon now.  I try not to begrudge them once I figure it out, though I wish they'd form their own opinions based on what they see... instead of what they hear.

It's a really weird feeling... stopping to reflect on one's life, and piecing things together.  I don't highly recommend it, as it can really hurt... but I'd rather know the truth than just close my ears and eyes, hoping that people are honest.  I know a lot of people, and it's been difficult to find the time for them all... so instead of assuming that all of my friends are just that when evidence points in other directions, I'm confronting them and calling them on their bullshit.  They have their side of any issue, just as I have mine... but when it all boils down to what's going on, I find that I keep the friends who don't sacrifice the feelings of others for their own happiness.  That's why I've been removing some people from my friends list lately... and others will follow once I speak with them as well.  Still, this doesn't wrap it up... there's something more, and it's been weighing on me.  It's love... and specifically, the one girl who those of you who know me used to hear a lot about.  There's a whole story that I can't tell about how I met her, and how I fell in love with her... and as you may have read in my journal before, it's for her protection.  I wish that I could say more, especially why... but what I can tell you is the result.  I'm still alone.

On a Valentine's Day post here on LiveJournal years ago, I got a random comment from another user.  After checking out her profile, I realized that I knew of her already due to her phenomenal artwork that I'd seen online.  Unfortunately, she lived on the other side of the USA.  We flirted a bit, apparently instantly attracted to eachother both physically and mentally... and I one day realized that I was thinking about her every time I woke up, and every time that I went to sleep.  Not positive that I was in love, I continued to confess strong feelings for her... despite a general lack of frequent communication from her, due to an art-related stress injury.  After a year or so, she risked calling me on the phone... and the conversation was unforgettable for many reasons, most of all because she told me that she had been in love with me for months.  In the later part of last year, we finally met... and things were equally amazing.  We made love, again and again... and it was the best sex that I've ever had.  We also learned a bit more about eachother, and resolved to eventually start a life together.  While I can't say why, she was forced to make a decision... between me and her life-long career in art.  Yes, she should be able to choose both... but in this case, she currently can not.

She didn't choose me.  After resolving to wait until she could change her situation, I waited... and waited... and waited some more.  It's been a year since I started waiting, and I still can't get over her.  The only relief I had was when I broke things off with her officially shortly after my last post here, and later got exclusively involved with my friend Danialle... who not only helped restore my sanity when it came to love, but also was a really wonderful person to be around in all of the differing times we spent together.  We were practically joined at the hip for two months, as we eventually became so close... but eventually, she dumped me.  I haven't been dumped since I was like 19, which was 7 years ago.  Though she cited a number of reasons including that she didn't want to change me, one reason continues to ring in my mind almost daily... that she believed I was still in love with my ex-girlfriend.  While I didn't see things that way at the time, perhaps she's right.  The hardest part about all of this is that I would've done and given up anything for her... all of my possessions, all of my freedoms... and I believe my life as well, if it would protect hers.  I remember when I almost went to buy her an engagement ring... and if she'd have me, I'd marry her tomorrow.

Love is blind.  I think about the fact that she'll be in California at the end of this week, and I can't see her.  It tears at me for so many reasons.  I want to tell all of you exactly why, and I hate that I can't.  The most difficult part is this feeling that I've had since I broke things off with her... that if I would give up anything for her, it's not possible for her to love me as much as I love her.  However... who am I to stand in the way of her dreams, or anyone else's?  Sadly, pressuring her somehow actually crossed my mind when I was feeling so lonely that I could barely take it... but truly loving someone means that you put them first, which I wish she'd also do for me.  The unfortunate thing about love is that it's rarely requited, and it's even more rare that the person happens to also be compatible with you.  All I have left is the hope that she will find a way to be with me... or if that hope is misguided, that she'll understand that it wasn't really love that she feels.  Perhaps another beautiful, talented woman is in my future... but I just can't see it.  I remember when I first realized that I constantly thought of my friend Sara (who I also met online, notice the trend?), mainly after dating Danialle... but again, disappointment hit me when I took a step back to try and see my situation for what it really was, and discovered that Sara's actions didn't actually coincide with someone who is in love with me.  I've been disappointed rather recently by others in very similar situations, as well.

So... if you're reading this, don't be too surprised if I don't seem very interested in a serious relationship.  As I've all but given up on being happy in love, I've decided not to pursue anything more than friendships in the future.  I don't mind dating... but I'm sick of being the one who thinks about commitment.  I also feel that being in a relationship hasn't ever really fully helped me in any way... it just causes jealousy, doubt, and a bunch of other shit that I really no longer want or need in exchange for a different kind of happiness.  I won't ever claim that I don't want to be in love, but I'm sick of the bullshit that goes along with it... so I've already begun doing all that I can to avoid it.  It appears to be working, as I'm happier... though the past month has also included a lot of disappointment from so-called friends.  I've been a bit down because of that, but generally happier to deal with the truth instead of any more bullshit of any kind.  To those of you who continue to masquerade as people who like me while you talk shit, FUCK YOU.  Expect no sympathy from me when I learn of your deception.  To those of you who continue to support me through it all, especially nominalsoul and jettcat... thank you, sincerely.  I've already begun to change, and with that change will come what appears to be forms of withdrawal in comparison to my typical extroverted appearance... but it's okay.  I'll make it.

So, now all of you know why I haven't written anything in my LiveJournal for around nine and a half months.  I apologize for that... but it's painful for me, to the point where I cried a little when I wrote this.  I won't promise to write frequently in the future... though I will stop hesitating to write because of the girl I continue to long for, or because I see kind public comments from people who I recently discovered writing harsh ones about me elsewhere.  It's even worse that I can trace it back so accurately to only a few people.  Even when it makes me bury my face in my hands at the friendships I may have lost the chance to even create, or even when I cry thinking about how my constant love for one person may not be fully requited... it's better to know.  I hope that in the future, people will judge me on the person they meet instead of the person they may have heard of... but that choice is theirs, as I can't make it for them.  No, I'm not okay... but I will be.  I just need more time to finish this.

Remember me near... there may be times when it's not right for me to be there... but remember me near...

- Chris (cK1)

P.S.  I have an interview for a $55,000/year salaried job tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Every bone in my body is telling me that today is going to be an interesting, scary, fascinating, and generally totally memorable day.  It feels as if it will be pivotal in my life, somehow.  I just know it deep down, but don't know how or why.  I spent last night drinking large quantities of alcohol in my apartment's hot tub with some friends.  It was raining hard and intensely cold, and it was around 10:00pm... but we still had a pretty good time of it.  In fact, I think that was what was so wonderful about it... well, that and the fact that I brought like five bottles of assorted weak and strong alcohol out with me.  I had quite a bit of all of them.  Good times.  I've been "partying" a lot more lately, for whatever reason.  I think my body is telling me to have fun to deal better with some of the stress that I'm under lately, and it's helping.  I enjoy unwinding, as I'm an exceptionally mellow person.

I have a lot to say about a lot of very recent events, but a lot of it is going to have to wait... as I have a very busy day to get to.  I'll start by wishing my very good friend Randee (zell_dincht) a happy 22nd birthday.  I'd also like to wish Shannon (wyvren_song) a very happy 23rd birthday, which happened yesterday.  I tried to call her to wish her well, but apparently her phone isn't accepting any incoming calls for some reason.  Even more strange was that it said this was "per her request", which I find hard to believe... as it's her birthday.  Ah well, I'll have to contact her another way later on.  (Update: I just got an e-mail from her!  I'm so glad that she's okay.  I was starting to worry about her, as she appears to have been severely depressed lately...)

I'd also like to wish Lily (lildogg) a happy 15th birthday today.  She's actually amazingly talented for someone so young, and doesn't in any way appear to be 15.  She's a very strong person, especially considering what she's going through right now... and I just wanted Lily know that she has my support if she ever needs anything.  I met her through her brother Jeffrey (jeffreyatw), who turned 19 four days ago.  Yup... every day is a birthday on my frightfully large friends list.  I wish that I could go to his party, but once again... it's on a Friday night, so of course I'll be working at Starbase Arcade again that day... all day, probably up until an hour before the ball drops on New Year's Eve.  Blah.  I'll see if I can get off early or something.  I'd also like to take this time to thank Jeffrey for being such a good friend.  He's an exceptionally talented guy, and deserves all the praise he must get constantly for all the work he shares with the world.

I'd also like to thank my amazingly cool friend pjammer for assisting me in my job search lately.  I know, I know... I already work seven days a week at times, but I'm looking for one good job to try and replace all of that and normalize my schedule... especially so that when Lindsay gets here, I can spend time with her.  Cross your collective fingers, ladies and gentlemen... and thanks to all of you for being such good friends.  :)  I really miss a lot of you.  Oh, and to the guy I used to hang out with constantly who removed me from his friends list about five or so days ago... I miss you, and I don't know why you don't want to be my friend any more.  I wish that I understood... and I'm sorry if I ever hurt you, though I don't know how I could have.  I just wanted you to know that it hurt to see me removed from your friends list, and I hope this is just a misunderstanding or something.  If you removed me because of my last post, though... then this hurts even more.

I apologize to all of you who I haven't mentioned on your birthdays.  There's simply too many of you, though... I'd have to update every single day.  I'd also like to express my feelings on birthdays that fall around this time, during the Christmas season.  I'm sure that many of you feel as if everyone is simply lumping your celebration in along with the holiday celebrations, and it sort'a ruins the fact that your birthday is such an important and special day.  I obviously don't have that affecting my life, as I was born in June... but I wanted to let you know that I understand, and I'm sorry.  I wish there was something that I could do, beyond my own personal acknowledgements of your birthdays and their importance.  My thoughts will be with you.

- Chris (cK1)

As usual, I've got a plethora of things to discuss... and only one LiveJournal entry I want to discuss them all in.  I'll start with some good news, though.  As many of you already know, the Appleseed movie is on its way to theaters next month.  I was recently contacted by a kind gentleman from Soulkool... a New York-based company that created the official Appleseed Web site, and also does publicity work for Appleseed and possibly other state-side anime releases through Geneon Animation.  The sites they do are amazing.  I'm not aware of how I was discovered online, though I suspect it was through LiveJournal... but I was quite flattered to be contacted by a representative from Soulkool, at any rate.  After talking to him on the phone, we agreed that I would do promotional work in San Francisco for the movie launch.  So... if you see Appleseed flyers and general branding throughout Japantown, the Metreon, San Francisco State University (especially at AnimeFX), and many other centralized locations throughout San Francisco and Daly City... well, odds are that they had something to do with me.  I'll be busy next month.  :)

Since I want to do a really good job of helping to promote the movie, and this has been way too long overdue anyway... our next LiveJournal party will almost definitely be to go Appleseed upon it's North America theatrical launch.  This seems like a good time of the year to do it... some people are on break from school, and there isn't too much going on at this time of the year except for post-Christmas sales.  We might need to buy tickets in advance, and we may not be able to do Karaoke afterwards if the movie's showing too late at night... but one way or another, we'll figure it out.  As always, I'll try to organize something DDR-related... and bring us some food and drink.  Additional details on the party will be posted as they're determined, behind an LJ-cut for those of you who live too far away to possibly attend.

On a much more personal note, I've been going through an especially difficult emotional time lately.  To make a long story short, I've been close to crying a little when people ask me when my girlfriend will be coming out here to live with me... because I honestly don't know.  I don't even know how she's been doing lately.  While some people are being really supportive, and just keep encouraging me to hang in there and be strong for the both of us... I also get a lot of advice that falls contrary to that, and it's beginning to take its toll on me.  I'm a patient person.  I waited months for the most basic of things in this relationship, time and again... but now I'm at the finish line, and I feel like the line's moving away from me as I approach it.  I've offered everything of myself, every moment of my time and everything I've got... but nothing appears to be enough.  Right now, it's really just a matter of how much longer I can hold on to the memories her and I have made... memories that were better than any moment in any part of my entire life.  Knowing what it feels like to be so happy, then being denied it for months... it's nearly too much for me to bare.

All of you have been wonderful people to me, with the exception of some of you who have (rightly so) challenged me about this situation.  There's nothing easy about not being able to answer basic questions about a girl I speak of as my current exclusive relationship.  What I do know, because I feel it in every inch of every part of my body, is that her and I are completely in love with eachother.  What I don't know is if she'll have to choose me over her career, and thus give up her dreams... or if she'll have to choose her career over me, and break both of our hearts.  It shouldn't be this way, and I'm working to help give us both a better option... but in the meanwhile, I feel so adrift and alone.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but one night I quite literally curled up into a ball on my couch... shuddering with fear and undirected rage at why things couldn't simply be normal and okay, after all the work I'd done to make my relationship perfect and enduring.  I've never been so afraid of anything in my entire life as I was of my relationship crumbling, and the thought of losing her.  That was quite definitely the worst night of my entire life.  Good things have come of this... I quit smoking, I'm taking better care of myself, I'm making choices that benefit my future.  Bad things have come of it, too... I've hurt a number of women who were very close to me, simply because I speak of my love for someone they've never seen and heard little of.  I feel censored... withdrawn.  I can feel my spontaneity slipping away, and can feel that I have no choice... it's the way it has to be.  I can't keep doing stupid little things that might prevent my future from going smoothly... and thus I spend more time being generally more bored, and thinking about a girl that I love... but haven't seen in so long.

I'm going to need the help of my friends to get through this.  I can't do this alone any more... it's tearing at my heart, grating it away like little strips of perfect memories.  I can't pretend that nothing's wrong in company, yet break down in solitude.  Something needs to give... something needs to work.  I've bent as far as I can go... and I fear that if I don't hold firm any longer, I'll break in two, and be worthless to everyone.  I can't stand crying as I write of this any more, as I am now.  There's so much love bottled up in my heart... and I feel as if someone hammered a cork in so tightly that I'll have to be broken to let it out again.  Amazingly... if I had ever imagined such pain coming from this relationship, I still would do it all over again just this way.

I can't imagine a life without her... not any more.  I've had a taste of what my life could be, and I give my word that I will never go back again if I have a choice left in my heart... and breath left in my body.  It hurts me to smile, and torments me to cry.  My love hasn't got much time left.

( I guess I'll finish off this post with 100 true things that you might not know about me... and more song lyrics that she'll know I wrote for her. )

So... as this is already my longest LiveJournal post evAr, I'll wrap this up with two words... Merry and Christmas.  I'd also like to take a minute to wish my very special friend Chandra (spooky_chan) a happy birthday today.  May all of you have a very happy holiday season.  I'll try to write you all again before the year's out.  As always, it means a great deal to me that some of you have taken the time to read all of this.  To quote the poetry that Sarah McLachlan writes as lyrics, "your words keep me alive..."

One more thing... my friend Fonzi (white_rose_oni) is throwing a party in about a week!  Click here for details.  The entry is currently locked, but I've asked him to unlock it.  If he doesn't, bug him for me.  He asked me to post this for him.  Oh, and Lindsay is still looking for a digital inker to assist her with the second Peach Fuzz.  Please help her out by checking out the link, and reposting this link in your journal if you have talented artist friends.  It would really mean a lot to me.  :)

- Chris (cK1)

First off, yes... this entry has Yaoi-Con and Anime Destiny in the title, but this entry won't yet cover Yaoi-Con 2004 just yet.  As much as I'd like to, I'm too inebriated to describe my experience at Yaoi-Con 2004 just yet.  I was there, I was purchased for $240.00 at the Bishounen Auction, and it rocked.  Anime Destiny, on the other hand... that was really cool as well, and happened earlier today.  I arrived late, and spend most of my time saying hi to people and taking pictures of the cosplay contest and the Iron Cosplay (like Iron Chef, only with certain props to create a mecha costume with).

Right now, I'm staring at an empty bottle of Nigori sake which my roommate and I finished way too quickly.  *evil grin*  Despite the amazing lack of typos, I'm pretty wasted right now.  If you want to e-mail or text message me, now is the time.  I'm never more honest than when I've been drinking.  :)  Want to see some pictures of my roommate John (l33tsysadmin) and I drinking?  Check this out...

I love showcasing full bottles of alcohol!
A few minutes later... shots waiting to be drunk...
Half of the bottle is gone...
Barely a short left...
The last shot...
Confirmation that the bottle's empty... ;)

Go easy on me, my friends.  I'm headed to the hot tub, and I'm already three sheets to the wind.  I'm three shots ahead of John... and that means 9 ounces.  :)

- Chris

As usual, I find myself wondering where to start.  I always feel like I need to somehow sum up what's been going on with my life since the last time I've posted... but of course, that's impossible.  I did return from Lima, Peru a few days after the beginning of August... so I'm not still there, contrary to the beliefs of some people who have commented on my LiveJournal.  *grin*  I've resurrected a lot of content on my Web server, so let me know if you want to download some cool stuff from me.  I'm back to updating a (currently meager) listing of audio, video, and software files that I'm hosting on my good friend Jordan</font>'s Web server.  The more I get to know him, the more I realize that he's one of the most true and kind friends I've ever had.  He has a good soul, despite his devious nature... and has helped me more than I can possibly explain or express here.  :)

Some good things have happened in my life, as have some bad things.  In my free time, I've begun to moderate the Anime Theme forums... a place where I'm often treated with an amazing empathy, and have met some wonderful and close friends.  It's been interesting... and while some of my experiences there have hurt me deeply, the experience from start to finish has taught me a lot... and shown me a lot of love.  There's also someone new to many of you in my life, as well... and what really pains me is that I can't talk about her right now.  I want to so badly, but there are some very good reasons why I cannot.  What I will say is that I love her, and that she has chosen to give up everything for me.  I've never been so touched by a gesture in my entire life.  She makes me so happy... and when I spoke of the critical turning point my life was taking two posts ago, I was speaking of her.

She is the beautiful twilight that bathes my soul in joy, my heart in warmth, and my gaze in brilliance.

I'm going to Yaoi-Con again, and you can buy me at the Bishounen Auction again if you wish to.  Isis sent me the e-mail confirming that I'd be sold to the highest Yaoi-Con bidder again this year... and I have an act planned that will make your jaws drop.  I look forward to seeing many of you there, as I hope that you'll say hi to the wandering Irvine cosplayer that is me.  *chuckle*  Yes, I was too lazy (and broke) to get together a Sephiroth costume... and show off the length of my Masamune.  ;)  Maybe next year.  Perhaps I should even do Seymour.  Oh yeah... also, I may be featured at Bishounen Bingo as well... we'll see if they want me or not.  I'll be there all three days... though I may have to go home each night, as I don't have a hotel room to stay in at this time.  Ah well, we'll see what happens... and I'm sure that I'll have an amazing time, regardless.  You will, too... if I have anything to say about it.  ;)

Oh, and no... this is a convention I don't staff.  Really.  I plan to volunteer, though.

I'm not sure when the next LiveJournal party will be, though I'll post about it when I can properly and thoroughly plan it in advance.  I apologize to those of you who have been eagerly awaiting such news, but I'll try to make it worth the wait.  Oh, and before I forget... I have a request for any artists reading this who are interested in some paid work on a published American manga series.  Please check this out, and refer your artist friends to it if you think they might be interested.  It's an amazing opportunity for any highly skilled artists who are thinking about getting into the published manga industry here in the US, which is expanding every day.  Plus, you'll get paid while you do so... how cool is that?  If you think you've got what it takes, check out the post and apply.  I know for a fact that some of you who read this are more than talented enough to handle this job, so please do take a peek!

In other news, Anime Expo 2004 and JapanTown Anime Faire were very cool to staff... and I learned a lot from both of my roles, plus met a lot of cool people.  JTAF has been quite a mixed blessing for me, but I'm still their Director of Live Programming... so we'll see how that goes this year.  By the way, our convention director Ray has planned a number of anime screening room events to be held in Japantown during three weekends in December.  If you're bored on those weekends, I'd definitely check 'em out... we have tons of cool sponsors!  I'll be there as often as I'm able to be, most likely helping out when I can.  Also... if any of you are interested in staffing the Live Programming department of JTAF3, now's the time to ask.  I've already signed up Anthony</font> as a manager in the gaming department.  Though I'm restructuring parts of Live Programming, he'll be a big part of Console Gaming at the very least.

For those of you who want an update from DDR land, here's a fun song for you to download.  Also, we have a hacked DDR EXTREME disc in the machine at Starbase Arcade now... so you can use the Brake, Wave (Fuwa Fuwa), and .5 speed modifiers on any song now.  I find it especially fun to play Last Message on Wave, Hidden, Dark, and Reverse... with 8x on, since the speed modifier doesn't take effect on Wave until you're about to miss the arrows, and looks really cool.  I also have a lot of fun playing V on 2x speed, Brake, Hidden, Dark, and Reverse... it's crazy!  You DDR freakachus should come check out the machine if you haven't already.  I'm also organizing Distraction Attack II, my second DDR tournament at Starbase.  I'll see if I can get sponsorship, and I'll try to keep the entry fee low.  Yup, I'm not funding this one... the entrants are.  I'll announce it way in advance, and post it on a number of message boards.

I'd like to thank those of you who have kept my name on your friends list, instead of giving up on me.  It's really good to see that you guys still want to read what I have to say, and it means a lot.  For those of you who have removed me from your friends lists, though... I do understand.  Not hearing from me for over 12 weeks in any form must sure make it seem like I've moved on... but I'd imagine that those of you who know me well would know better than that.  I'm an LJ whore, for life.  *lol*  Well, probably... I mean after all, I did buy a Permanent Account.  I've gotta take advantage of it.  ;)  Oh, and if I took you off my friends list and you've started posting again... let me know, okay?  I'll happily add you back to my friends list, as I do for all of my friends.  All you need do is ask.  I miss so many of you, and I hope to hear from you soon.  Let me know if you want the secret URL for my download pages, too.  :)

Okay, I'm signing off for now.  If you have any questions for me, there's no time like the present.  Take care, and I hope to see or hear from all of you soon... at Yaoi-Con, a LiveJournal party, on an instant messaging program, or by phone.  Speaking of which, Jer</font>... when is your punkass going to get on AIM so that I can chat with you?  You told me not to call you before we chat, and thus I've been holding on to your number for like three months now!  :P  I hope that you read this, since you haven't posted in over a month.  Ja mata~!

( When she reads this, she'll know it's for her. )

- Chris (cK1)

For those of you who weren't aware of this, I'm in Peru (again) at the moment.  *grin*   This is why my phone has been going straight to voice mail and I've been even slower than average at checking my LiveJournal and e-mail.  I'll be back on August 3rd, at which point I'll be having a LiveJournal party afterwards.  The details will be posted in advance if I'm able to do so.  Oh, and in other news... I've been promoted to Director of Live Programming for JapanTown Anime Faire!  It's quite a lot of responsibility, but I believe that I can manage to pull it off and keep everyone happy.  Wish me luck!

By the way, ignore what I said in my last post about not staffing Anime Expo 2004... I wound up working my ass off down there after all.  Sorry this update is so short, but I'm really busy.  More to follow.  :)

- Chris (cK1)

...and in fact, I'm far from it.  I'm really sorry for not posting for nearly four months, though... that's sort'a inexcusable.  Still, I'll try and catch everyone up as best I can.  First off, my Web site went down... and when it came back up, my entire account was gone.  While a recovery process is underway, I may not get a lot of my site back.  However, I've already moved to a new (and much faster) Web server.  The forums for ChronoTrigger.com are currently being hosted on this server as well, and will be live soon.  In other news, I'm in the process of moving east... to Pleasant Hill, which is about a 45 minute drive from my apartment in San Rafael.  John (l33tsysadmin) has been gracious enough to allow me to move in with him.  Oh, and by the way... it's my birthday tomorrow.  I'll be 25.  :)

Yes, I'm going to Anime Expo 2004... and strangely enough, it's a convention I'm not staffing.  *grin*  I'm leaving Monday with Randee (zell_dincht) and Cassie (jia_yan) for Los Angeles, where I'll be staying with Randee's family for a while... and come time for the convention, we'll already be down there to partake in it.  When I get back, I'll be around for about a week and a half... and then I'm headed to Lima, Peru for three weeks to visit family there.  I went there last year with my mom, and I'm doing so again this year.  I'm really looking forward to seeing many of you at the convention... and I'll have my brand spanking new AudioVox CDM-8900 camera phone down there with me, so we can all keep in touch.  The phone has already solved most of my woes, but still gets weird reception at Starbase Arcade... where I plan to continue to work on Friday, for as long as I can stand the really long journey there and back using public transportation that really sucks (except for the BART trains).

After finishing a meal at a Chinese restaurant, I received a fortune cookie that contained this note: "Love is a beautiful twilight that enhances every object."  The cookie was right... and I keep this fortune with me always.  I believe that my life is reaching a very critical turning point right now... and if I'm right, you may begin to see a side of me that you've never seen before... and it may be the last side of me you ever see.  All will be revealed in time... and hopefully everything will work out for the best.  I hate to be mysterious like this, but I have no choice in this particular case.  Everyone involved knows why, too.  So... anyone up for a party? 

( Click here for the details of my last minute LiveJournal party! )

I'd like to thank Mike (jetblack), Melody (comeseptember), Liz (ganymedefox), Lauren (marle), Sydney (mai_sama), Guillaume (norcaldude), and other close friends for checking in on me during my long absence from LiveJournal.  It really means a lot to me, and I adore you for it.  Oh, and I'm sorry that I've missed so many of your birthdays... but while I'm posting, I'd like to wish Jessica (pygopagus), Jin (blueskydream), and Rob (omg_its_rob) a happy birthday today.  Oh, and speaking of Rob... it was recently orangelounge's birthday as well!  Jean (amefuri) also shares a birthday with me... so happy birthday to her as well~!  Also, jetblack... I still feel really bad about not being able to hang with you on your birthday because I was moving.  I do hope to make it up to you.  *tears off Mike's pants, and... er, just kidding*  ;)

So, yeah... that was long, as my posts traditionally are when I wait this long to make 'em.  I had more to say... but I can't remember what it was, so I guess it'll have to wait until next time I update.  I just hope that it isn't in 15 weeks... but odds are that I'll update from Peru like I did last time.  It sure was a pain with those horrible keyboards they had at the 'net cafes, though... but hopefully I'll remember to bring a little roll up flexible USB keyboard with me this time, so that I can use that while I'm there.  ^^  So... if you haven't heard from me in a while, you now have a better idea of why I've been so busy.  I still haven't transferred all 500 numbers into my new cellular phone, either... so don't hesitate to call me to get your number back in my phone more quickly.  I miss you guys... and I hope that I hear from a bunch of you very soon.  Come join me at the Metreon today if you have time~!  :)

- Chris (cK1)

A lot has happened... some things good, many things bad.  I guess I'll start with today, and work my way backwards.  I'm sitting here with John (l33tsysadmin) and Jordan (nominalsoul) right now.  In the lovely world of Dance Dance Revolution Extreme, I finally managed to pass AM-3P on the Trick Oni course... and my jaw dropped as I finally witnessed Max 300 at 1/4 speed, for the first time in person.  Jordan had never even seen me beat Ecstasy on that course, so he was duly impressed.  I died in like 15 seconds on MAX 300, laughing at how insane it was.  I swear, I am never going to pass that song.  Anyhow... moving backwards in time, I had a pretty decent day at work.  One of my customers was so happy with me that she walked blocks away to a See's Candies store, bought me chocolates, and brought them all the way back to the store for me.  I could hardly believe it.  She then walked out again in a hurry, before I could properly thank her.  What a sweetheart!  :)

Sunday night was the first time I really had the chance to talk to my roommate since returning from Anime Overdose.  It was a fun convention, but I'll get to that soon.  Anyhow... my roommate is moving to Los Angeles, and I was expecting to be able to stay in the apartment.  As the place I live is officially a one bedroom, there's only supposed to be one person living there... officially.  However, apparently it wasn't a problem for me to stay there as well... since I was never put on the lease, a detail my roommate was kind enough to avoid mentioning to me.

Anyhow, I discovered that night that he was unable to sublet the apartment to me when he moved out... but also is transferring the lease to his brother, who has never even lived there.  When I asked him why he wasn't transferring the lease to me, he sort of made up an excuse on the spot... trying to claim that it wasn't okay for me to be put on the lease, but it was just fine to add his brother.  It's rare that I meet someone who lies as poorly as he does.  He could barely even make up an explanation for why he wasn't able to transfer the lease to me, trying to confuse me with claims that there was some policy that he didn't understand... and eventually just changing the subject.

I politely watched the movie he was watching for a while, he eventually tried to say something else, and eventually I started silently crying in the darkness where he couldn't see me.  I then said goodnight very calmly, walked slowly to my room, and took some Advil for the headache I had... which had gotten about three times worse since he had started talking to me.  I lied down on my bed, let some more tears out, and waited for the Advil to kick in so that I could sleep.  It's been many, many years since I cried.  I almost cried in early September, when I felt especially lonely for some reason... but I never actually felt any tears run down my cheeks.  Sunday night, I cried for a good five minutes... in complete silence.  Maybe it was because of the headache... and maybe not.

My mom visited me earlier tonight.  I would up explaining that very few things hurt me, but one of them is when a friend betrays me.  When I first moved in with Newcomb (my current DJ roommate), I trusted him.  When he told me about the lease, I continued to trust him.  When he told me that he was moving to Los Angeles in less than a month, and wanted to sublet the apartment... I realized that I was an idiot.  He was using me from the beginning.  He rented out a $500 room to me, in an apartment that is only about $850 a month with free utilities, so that he could choose not to work... and then when he got bored, he could save gobs of money for his move to LA... a move he never told me he was planning until it would be apparent that he was moving out.

*sigh*  Enough of how much my life sucks, though.  I had a really great time at Anime Overdose... and once again felt like some sort of strange celebrity because I was dressed up as Irvine Kinneas from Final Fantasy VIII.  I ran into ton of friends, danced my heart out for a while, and ran around with large quantities of Final Fantasy cosplayers... most of whom I already knew.  I was happy until the end, when I felt ignored for a while... but it passed.  I felt a lot better on my way home, when I sat and talked with some truly wonderful friends... and felt very much like I belonged, and that I was welcome.  I'd talk about all the wonderful people I met, but this post would be another 5 pages if I did... and it's already too long as it is.

( LiveJournal party stuff, cut for the benefit of those of you who weren't there... )

If any of you know where I can find a new place to live, please let me know.  I'm hoping to live in downtown San Rafael or a more central part of San Francisco, but I realize that may not be possible any more.  It's not like I'll be out on the streets or anything, but... well, this is a very difficult time for me.  The person I want to talk to most in this world hasn't contacted me in any form in five days, I have no idea where I'm going to live, or if I can even afford to move somewhere else... and things aren't looking any brighter in the future, especially as of late.  If I didn't have so many friends (and family members) supporting me emotionally right now, I'd probably go nuts.

For those of you who have already been here for me, you have my thanks... and my deepest gratitude.  For those of you who I've lost touch with, this is why I haven't been calling you on the one day a week I don't have 8+ hours of work... and I hope that you can accept my sincere apologies for it.  For those of you I don't know yet, please... do feel free to introduce yourself and say hello.  I'd like to learn more about you.  Oh, and for those of you who are simply here because I host and link to MP3 files on my Web server... stop lurking, create a free LiveJournal, and leave me a comment from your new user name some time.  :)

I don't know if I'm going to get through this without giving up a lot.  I hope that you guys won't forget about me, or give up on me... because I have a feeling that I'm going to need your help.  Oh... and even though I may be going through one of the most difficult times in my life, I'd like to remind you all of one thing... I am still here for you, as I always will be.  I may not have a lot to give right now, but I swear... all of it is yours, you need only ask.  My friends... I love you all, and I miss most of you dearly.  I'm sorry that I'm being so emotional, but all I've felt is intensity lately.  I can't feel any less intensely than I do... and lately, I've felt either extremely happy or extremely sad.

It's difficult to talk about this, but I think it helps me to admit this... and I've never wanted to hide anything from anyone in the first place.  Your advice, comments, criticism, and feedback are all welcome... as they always will be.  Thank you all for reading my useless writing.

- Chris (cK1)

Once again, it's time for LiveJournal addicts to party hard.  *grin*  We'll be meeting at 2:00pm on the third floor of the Metreon, as we so often do... right by the Dance Dance Revolution EXTREME machine.  After most people arrive, we'll carry on another tradition... voting on a movie to see before we leave.  After that, it'll be time for something new... my special brand of LiveJournal trivia!  The winner of the contest will get to order me around a bit, and will get to do something funny in my LiveJournal if they wish.  After we've done that, I'd like to bring everyone outside into the Yerba Buena gardens for some sort of group game... but this will be dependent on the weather (especially the temperature), and whether or not there's an event going on that takes up a significant portion of the grassy field outside.  Let's hope it's sunny and empty, so we can play Ultimate Frisbee or something.  ;)

For those of you who aren't aware of this, I've been experiencing... um... cellular phone related issues, to put it mildly.  My phone is almost always stuck on analog mode while I'm at my full time job and at my apartment, which is really annoying.  Thus... if you send me a text message during that time, it'll get split in to up to four separate messages.  My cell may also cut off the end of the message.  Most annoying of all, however, is that I always lose the phone number that the message came from!  *growl*  Strangely enough, though... I never lose the sender's e-mail address.  So... if you plan on sending me a text message from another phone, please include your name near the top of the message.  Additionally, try to keep the message shorter than average... even if it was sent through the LiveJournal Web site, or something.  Phone calls are always best... and don't ever hesitate to leave me voice mail.  As Natalie often says, "I love messages!"

As I may not have the chance to post again before Valentine's Day, I'd like to wish you all a very happy one.  For those of you who were reading my journal a year ago, you know that I don't really like the notion of this holiday.  It simply stresses out couples most of the time... but what's much worse is that it makes single people feel more alone than any other time of the entire year.  I wish this holiday would just go away, even though I've yet to have a sad one myself.  There is one LiveJournal user in particular who will hold a special significance for me this holiday, as I met her shortly after Valentine's Day a year ago.  I actually even asked her to be my Valentine this year, but that was a week ago... and I've yet to hear back from her.  Actually, tomorrow will be exactly a month since the last time she contacted me.  She's a busy one, though... like me.  Patience is a virtue, they say... but it's no less difficult for me now than when I first realized that I was falling for her.  *sigh*  I guess I'll have to sit tight and let this work itself out on its own.

Thinking about that just sapped my desire to write more... so I guess I'll wrap this up.  For all of you who'll have time to join me for the party, I look forward to seeing you soon.  For those of you who won't be attending, please keep in touch... lest I miss you even more.  You are all precious friends to me.

- Chris (cK1)

Edit on February 12, 2004 at 2:25pm: My apologies for not mentioning this in the post, but the party will extend to Saturday!  I wrote that on my journal's sidebar, but never added it to this entry.  Please visit my LiveJournal for the full party agenda.

Yes, I know this is long overdue.  However, this update was hinging on a number of things... and I finally have all the details I need.  So... here's the official word on when and where.  There is a LiveJournal party today (Saturday, January 31, 2004)... but it will be starting early, at 2:00pm.  We'll be meeting by the Dance Dance Revolution EXTREME machine on the third floor of the Metreon.  There won't be any sort of silly lil' DDR tournament, as I have no money to give away... and invite codes are worthless as prizes now, too.  *grin*  Anyhow... we'll vote on a movie after waiting for people for a while, then go buy tickets, then get food.  The party will be ending early, at 7:00pm... why, you ask?  I have somewhere else I need to be, and I wanted to get people together anyway.  Yes, this means no Karaoke... at least officially.  I should be free around midnight for that, though... so give me a call if you're interested, and perhaps we can get a group together.  :)

Since this is kind'a not the way I wanted to throw a party, I'll be throwing another one on February 13th and 14th... and this one will be much larger, as well as longer.  (Larger?  Longer?  Wait, what am I talking about again?  *wink*)  I'm planning on taking that Friday off work, so that we can extend the party through Saturday... and I'll be allowing people to party and crash at my place that night.  Yup... singles unite!!!  I'll have Beatmania IIDX 6th Style (along with my official Konami IIDX controller), alcohol, and lots of other fun stuff.  You can all hopefully meet my cool new roommate, his kickass CD DJ system, and the three ferrets we live with too!  Details to follow, but at least you know what I've been planning... finally!  I understand if you guys don't feel like attending the party today, as it'll be small and informal... but if you're bored, call me up or drop by.  I'll bring snacks as usual.  We'll keep this one small, and brainstorm for the big one.  Cool?  Cool.  ^_^

By the way... what do you guys think of the new layout?  I've still got lots of tweaking to do on it, but I hope you enjoy it for now!

- Chris (cK1)

...but there is no LiveJournal party tomorrow.  I never really announced one, though I did say I was hoping to have one today (Saturday).  I'll be attending two anime convention staff meetings on Saturday, one for Fanime and one for JTAF.  I'll try and be in the city afterwards if anyone wants to get together and hang out, but it'll be like 6:00pm before I can get there.  If you want to get together with me at the Metreon or something, feel free to leave a comment here... but you should also give me a call so that I know to keep an eye out for ya.  You can call any time tonight or tomorrow, and I do mean any time.  Please leave a voice mail if I don't answer the phone or something.  :)

I'm tentatively planning the LiveJournal party for January 31st, which is the last Saturday of this month.  I'd like to bring the party to my place afterwards, but I'm not sure that I can pull that one off yet.  I'll see if I can get that Sunday off, but don't expect that just yet.  I'll update all of you as soon as I have some news.  Oh, and I owe many of you an apology... my cellular phone was out of commission for quite some time.  I was able to switch my service to an older phone, but that didn't happen for a while... and I missed a lot of your calls.  I also lost a ton of text messages, and got small parts of some... but I couldn't even tell who most of them were from, which really pissed me off.  Verizon Wireless needs to be smacked, and their employees need even half of the training I already have... despite that I don't work for them.

I've got a lot of your phone numbers transferred over to my new cellular phone (I got another Motorola T720c as a replacement, finally), so you can expect calls from me over the next week or so... assuming I find the time.  I hope that all of you are well, and I apologize again for my lack of contact with you.  I'll do my best to make it up to you... and I want to thank those of you who expressed your concern (such as corsican), instead of assuming I hated you and giving up on me.  I thought some of my friends were more patient than that, but I guess I was wrong.  Still, I accept responsibility for the business of my life (for example, I worked 14 hours yesterday and 11 and a half today) and I realize that it's my fault for not keeping in touch with those of you who have said your goodbyes.  I do hope that you'll forgive me when I reach you, though.

- Chris (cK1)